W moving back in, trust issues came with her

[sage]

tbone --

I don't think you said anything offensive...a) piecing hasn't been that active since you posted yesterday and b)well, you've posted the mother of all problems, no?

I carry around in my wallet an index card with something that you posted here on the boards...I can't remember if you actually posted it on MY thread or if I just read it on someone else's but it's been with me for quite a while now ...

You said "If you trust too much you could be deceived, if you trust too little, you will be tormented."

(I'm not thrusting these words back at ya...I'm mostly just letting you know that you have a fan )

So, here's my advice -- I hope it comes out coherently ('cause it feels that way in my brain). It sounds to me like you and possibly C are taking the "honesty" burden up for your w...IOW, it seems like you've been putting at least a little effort into trying to prove that she's been lying ... kind of like you're responsible for the honesty for both of you in the R?

Obviously, I'm not sure of the circumstances in that case but what if you just adopted the mantra "I am not responsible for w's honesty"? (I use that one for my own sitch and I also use its close cousin "I am not responsible for h's fidelity").

What that has meant for me is that not only have I eradicated (well, mostly) all opportunities for h to lie to me (meaning, in particular, that I don't query him) but I go out of my way to respect his "privacy". IOW, not only do I no longer complain that I don't know his passwords (while, like you, he knows mine by virtue of the "fact" that I mostly use the same one for everything) but I now go over the top to respect his privacy...stepping out of the room if he has a call, knocking or making lots of noise if I'm coming into a room where the computer is and most importantly, asking him if it's ok if "I'm in here" because when I'm in the room, well, I can see his computer screen.

The net upshot has been that he's been far more open with his "stuff".

Will it last forever? Will he lie to me again? I have no idea. But I do know that I'm not going to be the gatekeeper for his honesty any more. it's not to say that I walk around with blinders on (I don't think I do)...more that I have a mindset that I think alleviates his "you don't trust me" and "I don't have any privacy" issues.

What do you think would happen if you stopped "pulling" at w for more honesty? Do you think she could give more?

Sage