It's a bad night for me and not due to anything very negative that's occurred. I picked up the rope and am now pessimistic about my chances. It just seems like I've come a long ways personally, but am going nowhere in my relationship.
So the latest saga of pursuit. I called two times after work. One to tell my W that there was free icecream at the cold stone creamery if she wanted to take the kids and the other to ask if she wanted to walk the dog at the park with me (she lives across the street from it). My crazymaker was going full blast when she said "let me know when you're out there and I'll come out"...making me wonder "what doesn't she want me to see at the apartment?" Uggghhh...stupid crazymaker.
We walked the circle and talked the whole time about a variety of stuff. It was a very good convo. Several negatives from my perspective...she indicated she was signed up for the LCAT so if she passes I suppose law school will be in her future...something that definitely doesn't include me. I did express interest but I wonder if all that says is I'm okay with her going away. I don't have any control over that so I suppose it isn't worth thinking about. The other negative...she referred to herself as the only "single" woman in the apartment complex when she was talking about some guy hitting on her. I didn't correct her about her marital status. So I guess nothing has changed in her mind. Or perhaps she sees herself more single than ever.
I left with the feeling that this is never going to work. I'll be her friend, but that's all I'll ever be again. I'm dying to call her friend she visited this weekend and ask if she thinks there is any chance for us based on their talks this weekend, but obviously I won't. I've been to this point many times....the realization that we may not be together again, but tonight felt worse because there was nothing bad about our conversation or interaction. I really felt the need tonight to be loved in return. Friendship is okay, but it's not enough. I need the whole ball of wax. I don't know if I'm patient enough.
So I'm reevaluating the things I've done, monitoring results, and looking at my goals. I don't know if what I'm doing is working. Maybe I do need more distance. Maybe good interactions followed by a long time without me would help her have time to think about us. It can't all be negative in her eyes can it?
I'm so tired of this. Tired of feeling that no matter what I do my marriage will never be salvaged.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
