I found these boards a year ago Feb (04) when my then wife moved out and later filed for D, it was final Nov. I have not been around for a very long time, because I had trouble reading about people getting back together or holding on to false hope, which I did for a very long time.
This is my first experience with a D and nothing I want ever to go through again or would wish on anyone.
But I thought I would drop by the boards and I still see many of the same people who helped immeasurably through a dark time.
But here is my opinion (for what it is worth) on the prospect, reality, chance of a post-D R. The other person left. They walked out. They quit on the R, the M, you, the family, everything. If they wanted to stay and work on the M and R, they would have. But they did not and it seems unlikely, they want to reestablish another intimate R.
I talk to her almost everyday, she calls to talk to the kids, no I never call. We see her frequently. And I constantly question the sometimes weird reasons she calls, like last night, or why she comes by, but I have to understand there is no ulterior motive. She is simply doing what she does, with no intention. I know I tend to overanalyze, but I also know there is NO chance of her coming back into my life like before. We know have a completely neutral R. And the real question is, after everything, would I want her back?
I'm very aware that this could very well end in divorce. In the end, I've lost nothing from this process and gained quite a bit. I've stopped worrying that I'll be divorced. If it happens then she truly wanted the M to end and there wasn't a thing I could have done to stop it except for what I did. This process has allowed me the opportunity to take a good hard look at myself. There were things that needed correcting and attitudes that needed adjusting, whether I was married to her or not. There is nothing wrong with monitoring the effects of what you do has on your wife or other people. Actually if you can have success with a WAW or a divorced spouse you should be able to have incredible success with someone that will actually give you a chance.
Dogma, I sense you are bitter how things turned out. I will have some of that too if I fail, but I also know I'll be just fine. I bet on some level you still look for the little signs that may be positive. I've actually heard of a number of people, not just DBers who have been remarried. It's not such a stretch of the imagination. It sounds like you've asked the question..."why would I want her back?" I have too and I want her back for the same reasons I wanted to marry her in the first place. To say "look what she did to our family....etc" is to say that your wife isn't worthy of trust and isn't worth forgiving for walking away. I've already forgiven my wife for leaving for my own sake so I wouldn't be bitter about it.
For right now I'm just happy. I genuinely enjoy being around my wife whether we reconcile or not. I'm actually at this point 50/50 on whether we will. I need more than a little sign to push it one way or the other.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Dogma, I agree with the above response. I understand your bitterness for I have now been divorced twice...I have been the LBS TWICE! I have had children hurt TWICE! I would never even entertain taking back XW#1, but #2 captured my heart...I gave it to her when it was hardest, when I had been maimed, had my heart ripped out, shredded, dried, incinerated and the ashe remains of it cast to the winds by my first XW. I know some of the difficulties leading to this second D...some are my responsibility, some things that needed changing, some things that as I work on them and work at changing make me a better person not only for any other woman I may get involved with down the road, but make me a better father to my sons whom I am raising. The changes make me just a better person all around. Perhaps you have not looked hard enough at yourself and made some adjustments? Perhaps you are just overcome with angst, frustration and just plain pain that you can't see all that you have and be thankful for that? On the other hand, the chances of a post-D R are slim...something like only 18-20% of couples who divorce remarry each other. I have to tell you that as someone who works with numbers for a living, those are not encouraging odds, but they are still significant. I, just like Hope, want my wife back for all the reasons I married her in the first place. I just plainly love her and very, very, very deeply. I understand her a little bit better now and should we start on R, then I will strive to understand her even more so and will end up knowing her infinitely more deeply than any other person in my entire life...warts and all. It will be a friendship to transcend all earthly forces.
I am not bitter, so much as disappointed. Disappointed she quit and did not try; everything was repairable, but her mind was set. Decisions a long time coming without me.
And yes, it is about making positive changes for yourself. I know there are aspects I need to work on and be more assertive in doing so. The irony of course as we all recognize, is I know so much more about the dynamic now. There is a part of all of us who would like another chance. A chance to be better partners; to reach that 5th stage.
I know I am lucky to have three amazing children and my life and slowly it goes on, but there are still days when I wonder . . .
Quote: For right now I'm just happy. I genuinely enjoy being around my wife whether we reconcile or not. I'm actually at this point 50/50 on whether we will. I need more than a little sign to push it one way or the other.
La_esperanza, I continue to admire your attitude and patience and willingness to accept whatever comes. I can no longer delude myself with the feeling that my chances are anywhere close to 50/50, but it is good to see someone with a decent chance for reconciliation.
Dogma, I can SO identify with the "did not try," "mind was set" experience. If you have a chance to wander over to my thread, I'd be interested in your opinion.
Your attitude is excellent, and I've learned so much from your taking it. It has served as a great reminder or touchpost for me, especially when I get down and start focusing on my upcoming D. Its not about being M, but about the R. I'm finding myself enjoying the friendship more as well, but only when I drop the rope regarding our M.
Your viewpoint means you're thinking outside the box, outside of the rigid definitions about what is a M or an R. Isn't it freeing to have more room than that to work with?
Kevin, I'm a cabernet man, myself!
Jo, as a guy who ALWAYS roots for the underdog, I just love those 20% odds.
Jo: I am having a particularly bad day. Not exactly sure why other than I feel like the wind has temporarily gone out of my sails. Son12 spent the night for the first time with my husband in his new place. I didn't realize it would effect me the way that it has. Anyway, your five simple words
Quote: What you think becomes you
really touched me and I wanted to thank you. Somehow it gives me hope. M
