Any hope after divorce???

[sage]

Wes...yikes! Wow. OK, man, back away from the phone!!

I'm just kidding...you've already done a full circle on the phone calls and all so I'll leave that alone.

You did, though, take the wind out of my proverbial sails because all afternoon I've been thinking about your sitch and I finally came up with a clear (I think) explanation about why the "I'll show her what's she's missing" thing often doesn't work... I'll post it anyway just in case you find something you can use in it...

Now, note that this is just my two cents.

I think the "I'll show her what she's missing" thing often doesn't work because a) it's often applied prematurely and b) it creates a cycle between WAS and LBS that is enormously difficult to break (not impossible! but difficult).

Here's what I think happens:

Stage 1:

WAS WORDS: I want a D. I want space.
WAS ACTIONS: I want a D. I want space.

(note that these are in sync)

Stage 2:
WAS WORDS: I want a D. I want space.
WAS ACTIONS: ----> I want to spend time with you. I'm confused.

Note that these are out of sync.

IF allowed to proceed unfettered, this may possibly move to:

Stage 3:
WAS WORDS: ----> I want to spend time with you. I'm confused.
WAS ACTIONS: ----> I want to spend time with you. I'm confused.

Still in sync, right?

Then onto:
Stage 4:
WAS WORDS: ----------> La di da. I won't say what I want.
WAS ACTIONS: ----> I don't want a D.

Then hopefully onto:

Stage 5:
WAS WORDS: ----> I don't want a D.
WAS ACTIONS: ----> I don't want a D.

NOW...I want to note a couple of things...first off, obviously, this doesn't necessarily apply to every sitch (heck, maybe it only applies to mine!) and secondly, the time lapse can be LONG and drawn out.

But what happens when things go awry?

Well, we all know how much we can screw up in stage one (arguing, pleading, crowding, pursuing) but it's stage two that intrigues me...

Stage 2:
WAS WORDS: I want a D. I want space.
WAS ACTIONS: ----> I want to spend time with you. I'm confused.

This seems to be the time when one of two things happens...the LBS starts asking for commitment to working on the M OR the LBS backs off a la "I'll show her what s/he's missing" (this is often the time when someone is described as a "cake eater", too). Sometimes I think it's as simple as the LBS starts acting cool toward the WAS when together...and all of a sudden the WAS is like "well, I was enjoying spending time with you but maybe you're not enjoying me? maybe I was right all along about this..."

They get confused. They pull away. The LBS is still dark. The WAS reaches out and they enter stage 2 again...can they get through it without more of the same? If not, the cycle continues....

It's one of the reasons why patience is such a pervasive mantra on the BB, and dropping the rope, and, as you point out, my alltime favorite "doing nothing". I have told you how I came to love "doing nothing", right? When h dropped the bomb I was so paralyzed with confusion and sadness, I couldn't figure out WHAT the right thing was to do (for the first time in my life) so, well, I did nothing.

So, what do you think? Do you see how impatience and pursuit can freak out the WAS during any of the stages? I do think that stage 2 and stage 4 are the hardest ones to get thru (well, after the crappiness of stage 1 and all!)

Sage