My impatience got the better of me again. It started as just an itch I had to scratch and turned into something bad. I called my W and said "can you do me a favor?" She says sure....and I said "when you get this divorce paperwork done I don't want someone to come serve me." She said she wasn't going to.

Is that stupid or what? I also asked her what's her hurry...she says this isn't a hurry...and why delay?...and I essentially said I didn't think I could be her friend to the extent we currently were...she cried and said she had to go....I didn't leave it at that...I called back and essentially did more of the same...said I needed a couple weeks to come to grips with things and I didn't want any contact with her....then I later took it back. The conversation was completely insane....at least I was.

I wasn't mad, I didn't raise my voice, I didn't cry, I didn't rant and rave...I just didn't have any kind of rationale thinking going on. I didn't know what I wanted. It was mainly just rambling...saying something...taking it back...saying something else....I just basically said...I'm confused about what I want and how I'll feel after divorce. At one point I did want to give an ultimatum but fortunately didn't. I do have serious doubts that I can just hang out with her like I would with a male friend for months on end. I can only do that if I don't love her or want anything else from her. I've never had a long term female friend and I really don't know if I want one, especially not one I love that doesn't love me back. That sounds insane.

I did end the conversation with "I genuinely do like hanging out with you and the kids and lately I haven't expected anything from you, but I'm not sure if things will change after D. I hope not."

Rather than writing here I should just refocus. I'm losing the calm that tells me...I have no control over what she does so just relax and forget about it.

My current plan: I have S-son tonight but after that I'm going dark for as long as I'm able. For the next....until she contacts me...I will not contact her. If she does I'll sound happy and be friendly but I'm going to turn down invites to stuff....I might accept one if it's been a while.
I think that what I have been doing....having contact etc, has done nothing for me. She doesn't feel any differently and she's able to carry on this friendship which is all she wants. I have actually moved closer to my latest goal...getting a divorce...than my true goal...staying married.

Actually....scratch all that...I'm not doing any of that B.S. I'm just going to do nothing as Sage told me before. Move no closer and no farther away. I'll be myself. I'll go with the flow. I'll accept whatever comes my way. And I'll be happy. I really have a good life. What am I thinking being such a arsehole. I'm fine. Sorry for this stupid note, but venting helps which is why I didn't erase any of the above. I don't think I moved myself closer or farther away from my goal because I was a week away from being served anyway. How could I make myself any closer? My wife will put a rush on it so it gets served tomorrow?

In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
Abraham Lincoln

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.
Theodore Roosevelt