Any hope after divorce???

[Just_Me]

Sage,

Thanks as always for your comments. I'll try my best to answer...

So, can you view this as w possibly waving the white flag that your "kind of dark" approach is too much for her to comfortably handle

My dark to this point hasn't even been grey. But thinking back specifically.....time with all the changes, no ring, and OW....that was the worst threat. Then time I went out of town and she read my thread then talked about it...felt it was "leading me on". Then again right before leaving for her trip after a couple days of more or less silence...then yesterday after going away for the weekend again (another swim meet) with little contact, but a few calls. Those times have never been very dark. More like one day max without any talk. But some abbreviated talks.

What would it take to make this happen? Can you start out by encouraging w to talk about "the dream" (her OWN dream?) even more? Ask her "what kind of law intrigues you?" or something of that ilk.

I wish I had remembered this tonight. I do know you wrote this but I kept it more along the lines of what do you need to do to start getting ready for law school. WHen is the LSAT? We did have a little discussion of that tonight. I could ask her but I know what it would take....moving to the closest school 300 miles away. Then I would have the choice of meeting her on weekends (if she wanted me to) or attempting to move there...but giving up a really good partnership and moving away from my kids. She will know this. I'd do the distance thing for 4 or 5 years if we had a good marriage. I don't know under the circumstances that I can honestly risk moving away for my WAW.

Last stuff before I update....

1. one goal to bring about positive interactions in the here and now

2. one goal to specifically address an issue in the m

3. one goal for me -- my learning, my pma

1. One goal for here and now. I will show her that I can be her friend without pressure. When I'm doing that I will have conversations where I focus on what is going on in her life and her interests. I will listen attentively. I will not bring up the issues of our marriage. I will be happy and smiling while around her. I will not read friendliness in return as anything other than she is my friend. No attempts to initiate physical contact. How's that for action oriented? Sound okay?

2. One goal to specifically address an issue in the marriage: I have already started and continue to work on my treatment of S-kids and on my anger. There has not been an angry outburst to anyone except the dog in at least a month, probably more. So new issue: No negative comments disquised as jokes...ie no "you're evil"..."you are a cruel individual", or whatever. When I am not doing this I will attempt humor that does not have a negative connotation, even in jest. I will instead speak truthfully about positive things about my wife (and other people).

3. One goal for me. I will attempt to make at least a few male friends and/or build on current friendships. Possibilities...church groups, friends I haven't seen in awhile from college, sports leagues?? This will be more difficult.

Okay, those are the goals I'll work on and continue to work on previous goals to ensure I don't slip.

Now for tonight. This was a very good night. I dropped by after work and pick up S-son who wanted to stay over tonight. After I left I called my wife to tell her a little story about ex-W. She made several comments implying things about the R with my ex (things that implied more of a R than there is). But not real bad, I kind of said "ouch, low blow" and left it at that. No angry retort. We went over and picked up my boys and saw their new treehouse. It turns out my oldest son didn't want to go to this banquet so we instead went out for dinner.

Since we weren't going to the banquet I called and asked W and s-d if they wanted to go out with us. Dinner was a blast. Everyone interacted real well and on good behavior. It was a really good get together. Mainly lighthearted discussion with my w. A lot of joking with the kids....me with s-kids and my wife with mine. I think that was definitely along the lines I was shooting for. Absolutely no expectations from me in terms of more than friends.

The rest of the night was just the boys and me. I see she called while we were playing a game, but hasn't since and didn't leave a message. I guess she'll tell me tomorrow.

Well that's it for tonight. Things are going well, at least as far as the friendship goes.

Oh sage, the answer to your other question was that I was debating flying to Denver this weekend to see a friend from college (a guy) that I haven't seen in awhile. Just do a little bit of partying. I told my wife a while ago that I had talked with him...said I wanted to get down to visit him sometime...so not a surprise. I also mentioned it last night to my s-son that I might fly to Denver this weekend. So it isn't that dark, but I will make a point of mentioning it and indicating I'm going alone. She won't worry about who I'm leaving here with so much as what happens while I'm there.

Well goodnight all. Please give me a little feedback. And as always your responses are much appreciated. And sage, how did you know someone was talking about you?