Good! I am glad I could help. I went back and read more of your thread and saw what Sage had posted to you about how going too dark can send mixed signals. Her advice was really great. She is an inspiration. I love her posts.
I agree that going dark can send mixed signals, however; I think you have to be really strong to do this without getting your own wants wrapped up into what spouse wants. This was just too hard of a fence to walk so I just decided to lean on the side of going dark. For me, I had more positive results when I just went dark when the going got tough. Now that I am stronger and have built more trust between me and H, I can tread very slightly and show just a little bit of pursuing. What changed so I knew it was OK to do this? My intentions have changed. I truly want what is best for H and am less selfish about getting my own needs met. This took a long time though and I am NOT there completely. I would say I am there 10% if I had to put a number on it. When I say I can pursue just a little, I mean just a little. It is like I throw it out there and then take it away and don't throw it out there for another two weeks or longer. I also try to remember that H is also busy doing a lot of growing and changing, and I have to give him space to do this.
I have to tell you a story that shows how far we all have probably all come. When our divorce was first filed a year and a half ago, H thought he had made a mistake by filing for the divorce two months into it. I went dark after one week of begging because I was so shocked about what he had done. I didn't talk to him for about a month and a half. Of course, he was having second doubts after my going dark. Well, right away, I jumped on this first sign of interest. I demanded that he make a decision because I wanted my life back the way it was (of course, that was the last thing he ever wanted). I was piling marriage counseling books on his doorstep. I was a lunatic. He would tell me he was still thinking about things. I called one day and demanded a decision. He told me to give him two hours so he could sit at his desk, do nothing but "think" and make a decision about whether to call off the divorce. To me this sounded insane. I thought how is sitting at your desk for two hours and just thinking going to help you. I also thought, who the heck wants to sit and "think" for two hours. I called him after an hour and said, "well, are your getting close to a decision." Of course he was frustrated by my phone call. Looking back, the whole scenario was comical. After two hours, he called me back and matter of factly said, "I thought about it and my answer is no." I actually was crazy enough to think he might say yes. I laugh out loud when I look back at my behavior and even his. We were such idiots!
I know you probably were never as bad as this, however; I thought you would have a good laugh. Plus, I might have boosted your ego by helping you realize you could always be worse off.
I think going away for the weekend is a good idea. This will give wife time to digest everything that is scrambling through her head. Even Sage has said that if you don't know what to do, do nothing. I have found that when H and I don't speak or have contact he starts to remember the good times we used to have. As long as your wife knows the divorce is not something you want, I think giving her space is a good thing.
