I need some perspective here. I can't seem to figure out what works and what doesn't.
A quick preface to events/interactions prior to last night: some good contact on Friday before I left to swim meet. W seemed genuinely pleased to see me and made nice offer to take the van instead of my car which is running crappy. Saturday...e-mail interaction and small phone interaction. Neither seemed that great. Sunday...a few phone interactions...again she was tired, but interactions not great. Heard about the dancing and may have sounded jealous (probably did). Monday...no interaction during the morning. Quick call by me in afternoon that wasn't negative but I felt like I was bugging her.
That leads up to last night. My W called and was mainly silent at first...then brought up the "I'm going over D papers." She said she was confused about everything...but mainly talked about HER future. Not an US future. She just thinking about what she'll do for a full time job and she also was seriously debating going back to school. She says she'll kick herself if later she finds she should have pursued her dream.
During the convo she was nervous I would take talk about D badly. I told her I was okay with divorce if that's what was best for us. I didn't think I did terribly before, but I guess enough so that she was worried it would hurt me. She indicated that we were better friends now than we had been in a long time...a point I seconded. That is definitely true and I said that I felt that was one big problem we had in the marriage...we forgot how to be friends. I also indicated I thought successful marriages needed a good friendship as the base. She said she was worried that she'd ruin the friendship.
She also said she was confused...I asked if she wanted me to come over to talk. She said "I don't know". I don't think so.
Then she told me going to law school was her dream and she'd kick herself if she looked back with regret about not going. I told her to go for it...that she has my support. And she does, even though it means she'll be 300 miles away and it will probably kill our marriage and maybe our friendship. I'd love to find a way to have her and also have her go to school. Some possibilities come to mind, but they mainly include us together as a couple again and me being able to get a job if I move. Then worrying about leaving my kids behind. It's a very sticky and difficult situation. After that portion of the convo she said "maybe you should come over." So I did.
Actually when I got over there we didn't renew this portion of the talk. She told me about some guy groping her when she was dancing. I listened but did say I was uncomfortable with my W off dancing being single. That was probably my weakest moment. I clearly sounded jealous.
She said "so we're done having a friendly discussion?" and I said no, it's okay. I said it sounded like fun and we haven't went dancing like that for a long time. She said that's part of why she was dancing so much. I indicated that we should have made more time for each other to do those things. She didn't think that was the problem. That if the other problems hadn't been there it would have been okay not to go out. I said that I know. I wish there hadn't been those issues, that I wished I had listened when she told me about them, and that in ways it was good this happened because it gave me a chance to look at the things I didn't like about myself and change them. She still doesn't express complaints about the marriage in more than vague terms.
My S-D came in so that part of the D ended. The rest of the time was okay. I spent time with her in her bedroom looking at some pics of her vacation, talking about the website she likes to visit, and chitchat about the swim meet. Left on a good note.
So that ends the night. Today I feel good. But I'm confused. Last night and this morning I felt like what she needed was more friends type interaction rather than darkness. We are comfortable in each other's presence for the most part and could easily do activities as just friends. Of note...the only time she brings up D is after I've been kind of dark. In between it doesn't seem to come up. When it does come up the conversation has lately gone really well without hard feelings, anger, or a lot of expressed sadness. And it usually has involved me in some form expressing that things would be different. I know LRT says no R talk if possible, but I don't think that ours have gone badly. The last couple times she hasn't appeared or expressed discomfort. But I don't talk about "being back together" with certainty or express a future together, just "if we were back together...or if we're ever together again"
Anybody got a take on this? What I want to do is find things to do together as friends or at least walk the dog together. As a friend on here pointed out...it's only pursuing if the spouse percieves it that way. Little doses at a time? Or should I continue to wait for her to initiate? Friends do spend time together. And I want to...a) because I like our time together b) I want to give the friendship aspect more time to grow c) make it as difficult as possible for her to make the decision to divorce d) enjoy what may be my bit of time together with her and her kids. If I only have a summer left with them in the same town I want to make the most of it that she will comfortably let me.
Okay...I'll end this monster note. I would appreciate input.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
