I feel really good today. Let me give you a quick recap of all of my pursuing behaviors.
My wife got home yesterday afternoon. She was dog tired. I went over to bring the kids their easter presents and see if my S-D wanted to walk the dog with me. My wife went also. We made some uncomfortable small talk, skirting around the R. Anyway, at one point: She said "You're mad at me aren't you?" I said "No.", and laughed She said something about hating her I took her arms and looked at her and said "I'm not mad at you and I don't hate you" She then said something about not loving. After that I reached out my hand to see if she'd hold it and obviously she didn't. I must have had a little frustration on my face because she said "I give up. I was just trying to be nice"
So I said "Let's sit down." and then I proceeded to say "This isn't easy for me either. I don't know what you want from me. I'm okay with being friends, but as friends you can't keep trying to figure out where I'm at with us. It's not fair to me."
Then as we walked she said she cared about me very much and got all teary about it. She also said, but that wasn't enough. I told her it was enough (of course invalidating her feelings).
I told her I was okay with whatever. That my head and heart were in a good place and I would be okay whatever happened. She wondered why and I said because I feel I've made changes to me that make me happy. I wasn't a good person and I've been working to be better. I said I hoped someday I'd find someone that would see the good in me.
She said "so am I". And I said "what? happy with your head and heart?" and she said "No, wishing someday someone sees the good in me"
That took me back a step. I felt like crap. I said "Listen. You already have someone that sees the good in you. Me. I'm sorry if by my attitude and words that I made you feel unimportant and less than you are. I regret that I didn't let you know how special you are." She cried to that. Then she hugged me and we said see you later.
She came by later to drop off some suitcases. I gave her the scrapbook stuff. Then she gave me a quick hug and off she went.
Anyway, more R talk. This morning I woke up and really felt like I had dropped the rope. I didn't care what impact the day before might have had. I don't care if it's a setback or not. The words needed speaking. I also felt that she is holding my past faults against me...understandable...but that it would stand in the way of getting back together. Maybe wrongly, I sent a note that reconfirmed I'm sorry, but also talked about selling the house in the spring (which is now) so we can each get a place. I said I realize that words are cheap, but I was sorry, I've changed, but I understand that we probably won't be man and wife anymore. I haven't seen a reply. Nor do I expect one. It wasn't a cruel note or anything. I just wanted to clear the air some. I really feel today that I'm good either way. When I think about never being man and wife again (in the usual sense) I don't get palpatations.
Well, that's all. Let me know what you think.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
