Any hope after divorce???

[sage]

Hi there,

Glad I found you. Thanks for the post on my thread.

You said:

You asked how did she come to read my thread? By my own stupidity. She cornered me...she accused me of giving up on the marriage so we might as well divorce. I said I haven't given up. She said your actions don't tell me that. So I said I'm following the advice of the DB website.

You wife has given you the enormous gift of a BIG CLUE as to what she's thinking, wanting, hoping for, perceiving from you, etc. Do you see it?

She tells you point blank that your ACTIONS are telling her that you have GIVEN UP on your marriage.

Your reaction appears to be "I haven't but, well, I'm doing what DB tells me to do...".

Yes, DB tells you to not pursue...and that's a very powerful tool...but there's a difference between not pursuing and acting like you don't care, right? Sometimes it can be a very, very difficult line to straddle.

DB'ing is about doing what works to bring you closer to your goals and doing a heck of a lot less (NONE, if you can) of what isn't working.

It seems to me that what you've lately been doing is actually getting you further away from your goals (assuming that those goals include staying M'd to your W).

If you took your w's viewpoint on this (really and truly) what ACTIONS do you think she's interpreting as "he has given up on our M?" Don't put it thru any DB'ish filter...just stand in your w's shoes and look.

IMHO, DB'ing isn't about never saying ILY or never expressing desire for the M or never being the one to initiate or never...

It's partly about (again, MHO only) validating and being in the same spot as your spouse...not getting far ahead of them in terms of looking towards the future and not getting to far behind. So when our WAS is saying "I don't want this m" it's about not invalidating that by saying "sure you do" or "well, I do" or "ILY" or "remember the good times". But, when your WAS is saying "I feel like you've given up on our M"....well, maybe a slight course correction is called for? I'm not suggesting rushing over there with flowers and candy and big ILY's but what if you took a step towards her (instead of away) or, if that seems too pursuing or bold, just standing where you are? Open, warm, letting her know "I am here".

Is this too preachy? It's not intended to be. Yah, sometimes people want what they don't think they can have. But sometimes people give up on what they don't think they can't have. Your w is calling "uncle" and letting you know that she's losing hope because she thinks you are. That seems pretty powerful to me.

Sage