When will H's indecision end?

[ValerieA]

Hello, everybody. Not much to report about yesterday. H went to Fresno to do a couple of service calls and got home about 11pm. He said "ILY" once yesterday morning and hasn't since. He was really tired when he got home - very stressful day for him.

I'm not sure what to make of today's convo with him. I told H a couple times in the past 2 weeks that Easter is with his family this year. H has never really been that much into going to relative's houses for get-togethers. We are supposed to go to his grandparents this year. I spoke with his mom and grandmother last week, and they wanted to know if we were still coming. I said yes. They were very delighted. H's family - they are OVERLY sensitive about anything. No joke. I'll get back to this in a minute......This morning, H suggests that I take the kids to my family's for Easter and he will go solo to his family's. I told him that I already told his family we were going, and I reminded him that I told him this, too. H said, "I don't want to go to begin with. It's going to be awkward, and I don't feel like pretending everything's ok when it's not." I said, "Nobody knows anything, H, except for your sister, and she hasn't told anyone else. She won't. It's not her place to do so." H said he thinks I'll have a better time if I just go to my family's. I told him that they are expecting me to go to H's family's this year, they don't know about our problems, but if I show up after telling them I wasn't going to be there, and I show up without H, then they will know that something is wrong. So I suggested that H take the kids with him to his family's for Easter, and I would stay home. H said, "Why would you suggest that?!" I said that I could ask him the same thing. H said he just doesn't want to deal with this s**t.

I know if I don't show up with the kids to his grandparents' house, I will never hear the end of it. His grandmother is the type to act happy when she sees you, but then is quick to turn around and talk s**t behind your back. On Easter, if we don't show, she (along with H's mom) will cry. I mean really cry. Then I will get badgering phone calls from H's mom asking millions of questions. I do not want to deal with that.

About 5 minutes after our convo, H said he was sorry. He didn't mean to start anything. He just doesn't want to do the Easter thing. He said, "Are you ok?" I said that I was fine. He left to go to Sacramento to get equipment, and then I think he said he has a job in Lodi to do.

His mood seemed to be very dismal this morning and yesterday. It could be because of work. I've been acting as cheery as possible. But I'm wondering if he's mentally getting ready to leave especially after talking to the kids about the possibility of it happening. I guess I sense this from the addition of this morning's convo. It just sounds to me that H doesn't want to spend the time together.

Any words please? Thanks for listening.

[sage]

It just sounds to me that H doesn't want to spend the time together.

I guess I interpreted it differently.

It didn't sound to me as though he didn't want to spend time together...it sounded as though he was already feeling like he didn't want to do the get together with his family AND with the added pressure that you guys are dealing with right now, was big time not interested in it.

That doesn't really surprise me at all...in fact, for a while after the bomb hit we didn't do family stuff much...partly because we were in self-protective mode and partly because, truth be told, the family stuff had gotten out of hand anyway.

Your concerns about h's family talking "crap" about you if you don't go is understandable but, at the same time, you don't have to get sucked into that right? You can DB them, too, you know! No need to get embroiled in phone calls or weeping or whatever with them.

Are his folks local enough that it's not a huge hassle if you all cancelled? What if you suggested to h that you all stay home and just have a very, very lowkey day? Maybe you could all use a break.

Sage

[ValerieA]

Are his folks local enough that it's not a huge hassle if you all cancelled? What if you suggested to h that you all stay home and just have a very, very lowkey day? Maybe you could all use a break.

You and I must have been coming up on the same wavelength, Sage. Before I read your reply, I thought of making that suggestion myself and did. I was remembering the many times when H wanted to do our own thing during some holidays, but we always ended up going to a relative's place.

Anyhow, I called H not too long after I originally posted this morning and gave him my suggestion. H wants to do it! H said if any of his family has a problem with it, that's just what it is - their problem. I understand what he means, and I agree. So we'll have an egg hunt for the kids, a small dinner, and everything else will be lowkey.

We didn't discuss who is going to break the news to his family. In the past, it was always me because if H did it and his mom reacted in a bad way when plans were changed (which happened nearly all the time), he quickly became irritated with her then it would blow up into something even bigger. At least when I was the "bad guy", there was peace. She still wasn't happy, but I was able to keep things calm. I would like for H to tell his mom we aren't going, but I have a feeling it will be me. That just might be best. I'll bring it up later to H.

BTW, H's family is close. They live in the next town over - only a 10 minute drive. H's mom and my parents live here in town. The rest of my family is further away - my sisters all live an hour away, and my other relatives (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc) live a few hours away.

Thanks again, Sage, for just being there. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.