When will H's indecision end?

[ValerieA]

Hi, Sage.

Ok...so is that something that you can give him space to do while you're still in the same home?

I know that I want to give my M the chance to survive, so yes, I will have to give him the time he needs.

Oh, I don't know exactly what I was thinking when I wrote it...more along the lines of "are you ok with being in limbo while he's living with you and not being pressuring re. 'does he want to WORK on this M?'"

This is what is so amazingly difficult for me, but I'll try my very hardest. I don't get it either! I used to be such a patient person with anything and everything, but over the years it has just diminished. I will try though.

OK...so let's work with this...what "script" could you come up with to handle the R talks from h? Is he just venting? looking for validation? hoping to hear that you WILL commit? hoping to hear that you agree that what he did was AWFUL? Really think about what a transcript of one of those conversations looks like...what does he say? what do you say?

This is a real hard one, too. Maybe he is just venting. H knows I'm committed to the R. Maybe I SHOULD try agreeing with him about how awful this is instead of saying "it's ok." I'll have to really think about the R talks and how to better handle them if and when they come up.

I understand it. I remember feeling the exact same way. Kind of like once he was gone I would totally and successfully just be done. No need to explain. But you may want to stop pushing for an answer if you're not SURE

Agreed. I will not push for an answer anymore.

I don't know the answer to this for YOU but ask yourself THIS...are there things that you are doing or things that you are saying that convey to him that you have not, in fact, forgiven him?

The only thing I can think of is when I stopped initiating the "ILY"s. I always said it but stopped after reading DR. Maybe I should slowly start this again - being the one who says it first - and just see how it goes. Oh, and maybe one other thing. His car. I won't drive or get into it anymore after learning about H's A. Everytime I look at it, I feel like cringing because it's a constant reminder of him taking OW out to lunch or whatever else. He is contemplating selling it soon.

Isn't it possible that you're both pretty gunshy about being rejected right now? what if instead of going for you started bringing other kinds of intimacy back into your R? a gentle touch here? a nice hug there? (then go for broke!!)

That is how I usually start! A hug, a small kiss or touch, but when I try to go a little further, that's when I get excuses. So I guess I'll stop trying to get further for now.

You deal with the going back and forth by just hearing it but not acting on it or urging him to act on it...Here's my sugggestion...live with limbo. It's hard and it stinks and it's scary and whatever but just live with it for now.

Ok. I am going to try, Sage. I promise I will try.

Start focusing on the GOOD stuff in your M, the stuff that got you hooked on each other.

Unfortunately, I don't think my H sees anything GOOD in our marriage except for the kids. The stuff that got us hooked on each other didn't involve marriage or children. H has told me many, many times now and in the past that if we didn't have kids, he would have left long ago. He said in another R talk that he wishes he could have the last 10 years back so he could have gone in the other direction. How do I overcome that?

In the meantime, I'll do my best to DB. No more pressure for a decision. Thanks again, Sage. I've got more to post about when H came home from bowling with the boys, but I'll do it later. Have to get the kids to bed right now. Again, thank you.