When will H's indecision end?

[sage]

Hi there,

My best possible answers to your questions:

1. I'm really not sure, but if I had to guess, I think it would be to have the time he feels he needs to really think about what he wants.

OK...so is that something that you can give him space to do while you're still in the same home?

2. "in-house" separation - I even asked H today if this was something he wanted when he made the remark of things being "convenient" when he's here. I asked, "Do you want to separate but live in the same house?" H said no. I'm not even sure how to go about doing that. More of an explanation please?

Oh, I don't know exactly what I was thinking when I wrote it...more along the lines of "are you ok with being in limbo while he's living with you and not being pressuring re. 'does he want to WORK on this M?'"

3. The pressure, I would have to admit, is coming from me. When I first started DBing, I wasn't putting any on him other than demanding that all contact with OW had to stop. But the more he has been going back and forth with his uncertainties, the more impatient I have become. I would like to try and do nothing right now. I don't initiate R talks at all, and I don't bring up OW. The last time I did was to ask about the unexplained calls to her, and I haven't brought her up since. Before that, it had been quite a while. Things just seem to fall apart when H wants to begin R talks. I try to avoid them, but he keeps pushing them.

OK...so let's work with this...what "script" could you come up with to handle the R talks from h? Is he just venting? looking for validation? hoping to hear that you WILL commit? hoping to hear that you agree that what he did was AWFUL? Really think about what a transcript of one of those conversations looks like...what does he say? what do you say?

4. Yes, if H leaves, I don't see us getting back together, and that will based on my decision. I can't explain it. I just know that's my choice.

I understand it. I remember feeling the exact same way. Kind of like once he was gone I would totally and successfully just be done. No need to explain. But you may want to stop pushing for an answer if you're not SURE

5. "wondering if I can forgive him and move on" - I have forgiven him. I've told him this about 4 or 5 times now in the past few weeks. I am so ready to move on and put all of this behind us. I want to move forward, but I think he can't. I think H is unable to forgive himself right now. What, if anything, can I do to help him? When H tells me how sorry he is, I tell him I understand and it's going to be alright now. What else can I say or do?..."GAL in the house" - I will have to focus more on this. I've been GAL outside the house, but I guess I never thought about doing it in the house. Thank you, and I will try..."H's feelings of possible payback" - I would never do this, but my H may possibly be having those kinds of feelings due to my going out with my single friends. Before the A, I never went out unless it was with H. I didn't have a social life without him. Now that I'm starting to, maybe this is a threat to him.

I don't know the answer to this for YOU but ask yourself THIS...are there things that you are doing or things that you are saying that convey to him that you have not, in fact, forgiven him?

Also...what if instead of saying "yes, it's ok" when he apologizes you said "I'm not sure I was going to be able to forgive you but I think I can" or something? Now don't go do this! I"m just thinking -- is it possible that "it's ok, I can forgive you" feels invalidating to him if he totally is beating himself up? what if you said "yup, it seems like a pretty tall order to forgive what you've done?" kind of a 180?

6. I get what you're saying. I have thought about just doing it, but I'm hesitant because I get turned down whenever I initiate intimacy or playing around. I can remember acting on his overtures a couple of times in the past, I tried taking him up on them, but H would say, "I was just kidding" or "I didn't mean now." I will try to overcome my fear of more possible rejection and try to take him up on this if he puts it out there again.

Isn't it possible that you're both pretty gunshy about being rejected right now? what if instead of going for you started bringing other kinds of intimacy back into your R? a gentle touch here? a nice hug there? (then go for broke!!)

7. Yes, I could live with that. After thinking about our last few convos, I definitely could live with that. So let's say we decide to put everything on hold right now. H agrees to it, but a few days later, he changes his mind again. This is my dilemma. The going back and forth again and again and again. How do we deal with this?

You deal with the going back and forth by just hearing it but not acting on it or urging him to act on it. If I acted on every darned idea that my h stated with actual conviction we'd either be divorced or relocated or ...

My h says things with absolute CERTAINTY when, I swear, he's just trying them out aloud.

Here's my sugggestion...live with limbo. It's hard and it stinks and it's scary and whatever but just live with it for now. Start focusing on the GOOD stuff in your M, the stuff that got you hooked on each other. Listen, listen, listen to his rantings and ravings but take them with the confidence and equanimity of detachment. GAL away but personally, I would NOT leave it open for his interpretation (is she? isn't she?). Stop pressuring and forcing his hand. Re-read DR. Make some goals. Give yourself a big hug.

Sage