When will H's indecision end?

[ValerieA]

Last night ended on a great note (intimacy), but today is not so great, again.

Another R talk from H. He said he feels like he has to make a decision right now. He also said that he wants to be fair to me, and knows he's not when he keeps changing his mind. He said this is his family and it just feels like he should be here. He said it feels "convenient". He just doesn't know if he will ever be happy with whatever decision he makes. He said if he leaves and 2 weeks or 2 months goes by, if he wants to come back, I may not let him come back. We have both only talked to one other person about this about a month ago, and it's his sister. She's like a younger sister and a very dear friend to me. She has told me that H has pleaded with her to talk to me about just getting a separation. I am not for that. I just don't feel like I would ever feel the same about H if we separated and he came back after a while. For me, it would be the not knowing what he was doing or who he may have been seeing during the separation. I wouldn't be able to move on because I would constantly think everyday, "Is today the day my H is coming home?" I can't and won't live like that.

Back to the R talk. I validated his feelings as best I could, and I told him that when he makes his decision, he needs to make it for himself. Not to worry about how it's going to affect me. I want him to be happy, and if he has to leave to find that happiness, then he should do it. Whatever his decision, I said it would be best if he committed to it. If he stays, then he needs to commit to working on our R together. If he leaves, then he needs to stick to it and file for a D. I, of course, will not help him in any of this, but if he does file, I'll get an ATTY to protect my kids and myself. H talked about having the kids with him whenever possible as long as I would allow it. I told him that shouldn't be a concern - he can have them whenever he wants. I told him his R with the boys is top priority if we D. We talked a little more, and he gave me a hug and kiss.

Later when I was getting dressed, H came in the bedroom and made a comment about trying to get as much sex as he could before he left if that's what he chose. I think he could tell I wasn't pleased with that (who would be?!) so he said he was sorry, he was only trying to be funny. Hmmm...baaad joke. Normally something like that would set me off, but I let it roll off my back. Another hug from him before he left.

H is out getting the oil changed on the truck for me then he's going to pick up S9 from school before coming back.

I don't know. I feel like this might be it. I feel like I'm numb. Just dead feelings right now. H has called a couple times since he's been out, he continues to say "ILY", and I continue to act as if, but that's all it is. Acting. I still love him and want him here, but I'm actually ok if he chooses to leave...I think.

Thanks for listening.