When will H's indecision end?

[ValerieA]

Another indecisive night, and not to mention a bad one. I know I'm supposed to be patient, very patient, with H, but I can't get over how unbelievably difficult this is! So about last night:

H called later in the afternoon to let me know he wasn't going to get the installs done early enough to be able to go out with me. I said that was alright. H asked if I wanted him to call me later, and I said if he wanted to, that would be fine.

H called my cell around 7pm and asked what I was doing. I told him that I was leaving the mall to go home. "What were you doing at the mall?" I told him I was shopping for some new clothes and CDs. "What are you going to do now?" I said that I was going home to eat then get ready to go out with my friend. "Well, where are you going?" I told him I didn't know, that my friend knows places to go better than I do. H said, "Well, if she takes you to a club, are you going to dance?" I said, "Yeah, probably. I haven't danced in sooo long." H asked in a pissy tone, "If some guy asks you to dance, are you going to dance with him?" I was not prepared for this question. Dancing with another man was the furthest thing from my mind. I should have just said "no", but for some unknown reason, I said, "Probably not." Things went downhill from there. H snapped back, "Probably not?!!! What the hell does that mean?!! You WANT to dance with someone else? Fine. Go ahead. That's what I f***ing deserve. I hope you have a real good time." I said, "No! I am not going to dance with anyone! That's not what I want! I just want to get out and have a decent time. It's better than being home all alone with nothing to do. Why do you have to be so damn nasty? Why do you have to assume the worst when I want to go out with someone other than you?" H said, "Because I picture all these guys hitting on you, and I can't stand it. The thought of you being with another guy f***ing kills me! But I feel like that's what I deserve. So you know what? I want you to go out, and I hope every m'f'er there hits on you!" I was so angry at this point, I didn't know what else to say. I told him, "You know what I want? I want you to decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay together and work on this M or do you want to leave? It's been 2 months of not knowing where to go from here. Am I supposed to be happy because you're still home? Or am I supposed to prepare for when you leave? I don't know how to move on because everything changes from one day to the next. It's like we take 2 steps forward, but 4 steps back again and again!" Then H angrily shouts, "Well, you know what then?! When I get back tomorrow (which is today), I'm leaving!". . . . .I said, "Ok." H said, "There! You wanted a decision, and you got it." I said, "Ok." Then after a moment of silence, he said, "Me and (co-worker) are going to get something to eat now, so can I call you later?" I said, "If you want to." H said, "Do you want me to?" I said, "Stop worrying about what I want! Do what you want please!" Then we said bye.

I was very disappointed in myself at that moment. I was thinking to myself, "Great. You really screwed up now, JV. He's leaving." But to my surprise, no tears. Not one. I went home and at that point, I didn't feel like going out anymore. So I just stayed home and wrote in my journal about the day's unfortunate events. I shed a few tears, but no sobbing. I don't know. I guess I'm just tired of this. I guess I just don't have the patience it takes to DB.

The phone rang around 10:30pm last night. I thought it might be my friend or maybe even my parents if something was wrong with one of the boys, but it was H. Didn't think he would call after what happened. H asked why I was home. I told him I wasn't up to going out after all. We talked for a few minutes. He was telling me about some funny incident where they ate. Then he asked how the kids were. I said they were fine and reminded him about them being with my parents. Another "I don't know why I said this", but I did. I said, "You need to talk to the boys, and you should do it before you leave. Don't ask me because I'm not going to do it for you." Then H said, "What do you mean? So, what? I'm leaving now?" I told him, "Did you not tell me just a couple of hours ago that you were leaving when you got back?!" H said, "Yes, but I didn't mean it. We were fighting, and I was mad. . . . I'll be home in the afternoon, so can we talk more then?" I said fine. Before saying goodbye, H said, "I'm sorry, JV. ILY." I just said ok then hung up.

I am so tired and confused with all of this. I just don't know what to make of H anymore. I keep trying to not have any expectations from H. I'm beginning to feel very empty.