Thanks for the great advice. That is so true. I don't know if I can trust myself. I think I would know if things started to go bad but I am just so scared that I will be blindsided again. It was such a gradual process that took place to get us to the point we were at. I am scared that one day I am going to wake up and H is going to say that he was just fooling himself into thinking he loved me and that he just thought it was the right thing to do.
I know this is my insecurity talking but I still can't help but wondering. Keeping this on the forefront of my mind keeps me in check with my actions but at the same time makes me nervous. Hopefully with time this anxiety will go away. In the meantime we are still going strong. We are going to meet with a couple of builders this weekend to look at log homes. This is a big deal because if we build it will be on his families property. He will not do this unless he is 100% sure that it is the right thing. There is too much to lose for him if we build and things don't work out. -B
B, My suggestion is to pay attention to his actions, not his words. If he is loving and happy, I would say to continue on the path that you are. I would pay attention to your own behavior on this, as well, since you noted that you were not all that happy before, either. If you feel this slipping for yourself, don't hesitate to check in with your H and see what his perception is. Keep the lines of communication open and loving. Be his lover and allow him to be yours. Make kindness a top priority. Validate each other.
You can't go wrong. You have come so far, so fast. Give it some time to sink in and I'm sure you will be reaching for each other, wanting to move forward and close this chapter permanently.
Thanks HP I appreciate it. H seems to act as though everything is behind him. He wants to move full steam ahead with the building of our house. He says that things have been great over the past couple of months and that he doesn't expect for things to go back to the way they were. I was really happy to hear that but it just goes to show how warped his sense of time is and was. Things have only gotten better over the past few weeks but I have been doing 180's now for a few months. Maybe he has only started feeling safe to express his happiness to me in the past couple of weeks but has felt the changes for a couple of months now.
I can only speculate. However, I know that it feels good to be told ILU and to be able to say it back. On Sat. night H said I love you and I mean it in the way that I couldn't say it before. I was overjoyed with that. He also said that I can initiate with the ILU's. I don't have to wait for him to say it first. This was one of my hesitations. I used to be the one who always said ILU's every morning, every night, etc. This was a huge 180 for me to stop. So I wasn't sure when I should resume to be the one to initiate this. I have gotten the greenlight but I am still not going to overdo it. I want to give him the chance to say it first.
As for my snooping I am still doing a little, still a little skeptical myself. What I have found has turned out to be nothing. As I posted before I found a calling card with 500 minutes. So yesterday I asked if he had seen mine around so I could call my sister who lives outside of the country he said no but then dug into his wallet and handed me his. I didn't even ask for it or about it. He said he had bought it because he thought his work cell phone would be roaming when he was out of town for work and he wanted to use it to call me. See how far off base I was. I can have a wild imagination if I let it run. Note to self: keep a hold on that. Only time will allow for any suspicions I have to slip away. It makes me feel good when I actually get an answer to any of my suspicsions and they are stomped dead in their track.
Anyways, I am going to continue to post. I think that this is a good place for me to still track and charter our successes and I am sure there will be a few backslides as well. But I have come to find that you can never have to much information and knowledge about this subject, especially when it comes to something so important as your family. I will never take my S for granted again! Plus keeping up with these message boards help to keep the subject on the forefront of your mind.
I have established that I am really good at jumping to conclusions so I might be reading too much into this one but I just can't figure H out.
Here is our current sitch: we have been getting along great and H admits he is happy we have been doing things together and looking at building our "dream" home that we will grow old in. We have been ML quite frequently and trying "different" things. When I say frequently, last week it was probably 5 nights out of the 7. Last Thursday night H said that it was amazing. We have both been enjoying ourselves.
Now the last time we ML was on Sat. night and this was more experimental than anything else. I did not get much out of it. Sunday night H went to bed early (he has always had some sort of insomnia) because he was tired and had not slept much the week before. So I tried to initiate Mon and last night. To no avail I failed. I don't know why. I asked H you are rejecting me 2 nights in a row you never reject me? He said that he was just tired not rejecting me. I said you have never been to tired before. He said don't worry I am not mad at you or anything....I am happy. I said OK sort of puzzled. H replied if I were I wouldn't have taken you guys (D1 and I) out to dinner. We had a good time. He then said something to the effect of it is sometimes nice to have a few nights off for a while, we have been ML a lot lately. I said is it too much? H said no. I said is there such a thing? he said no unless you get honeymooners burn and tried to laugh about it. I said ok and rolled over he then cuddled for a little while with me and that was it.
So what would be a reason as to why he, a HD male, wouldn't want to ML? I have been racking my brain and cannot figure it out. I also reminded him of what he had said awhile back quote- you know me when have I ever turned down ML to you? He then said do you want me to quote you. I said probably not but go ahead. So he rolled onto his back, closed his eyes, openned his arms and said ok go ahead. I smacked him and said hey then jumped on top of him and said ok and started laughing. He said I never did that. I replied I know. I laughed and got back on my side of the bed. I told him that it would help him sleep and H said no it won't.
In a separate conversation about him not sleeping well I asked if he had a lot on his mind and he said yes. I asked what and he replied that he was worried about the house, if we were getting in over our heads with the payments, if he would be able to finish it the way he said he wanted to, and he had been worried about D1. D1 has been sick and took her to the dr office yesterday. I thought she hadn't gotten rid of her ear infection but it turns out to just be some nasty virul infection she can't get rid of. At least it is not her ears again! Could these worries play a part in all of this?
So what was the sudden change of events? I know it has only been a few days but that is not what I am concerned about. What worries me is that he denied my advances. Why? Does he feel that he doesn't want me to burn out? Make it more special by less frequency? I really can't fathom why. Like I said in the beginning, I may be jumping to conclusions here but these actions are very unlike H. I hope our convo that I typed made sense-in a bit of a hurry typing.
Bananas, I wouldn't worry about it at ALL. He may just be tired, he may be mentally processing all the events of the last month or so, who knows. You know.......HD people DO get tired, lol.
I actually remember a time when we first began ML again and I temporarily became LD. I was puzzled about why I didn't want it. I have described it on here as a feeling of being "battle weary". I had fought so long to get him to pay attention to me and make our R a priority and when the battle was over, I was just SPENT. We had a few months of ML all the time and then I just...lost my desire for a while. It didn't last long and I was NOT doing it on purpose. He even questioned about whether I was sincere in saying all those years that I missed sex, etc. I just needed some time to reallllllly let my guard down. To really believe that this was going to be a PERMANENT part of our lives. The thought that he might yank it back suddenly and crush me all over again was too much to bear. However, I don't think this was even a conscious thought of mine. None of it was conscious, it just sorta happened. When I backed off a little, he kept up the pace and this reassured me that he was for real. My desire gradually came back and we shifted from a "battle" dynamic to an intimacy dynamic. It was a welcome change, lemme tell ya.
So I would just continue on with your own changes and let him sift through his own thoughts as needed.
It could simply be that he was tired. He may jump your bones tonight and the whole discussion is pointless. Just keep on keeping on with your wonderful new self and he will adjust in no time.
I agree, I wouldn't reach much into his behavior at all. "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" explains this phenomenon in men, some sort of "rubber band" analogy where after being with his wife a lot, a man needs to retract back and be by himself for awhile. I too am like that, and I am DEFINITELY a HD, and even when my W and I were on our frequent LM days, I did this.
Men need their "caves," their "den" into which they can retreat. Sometimes that's a physical room in your house; other times it's just a quiet place in their brain.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Thank You!!! That makes me feel sooooo much better. I figured I was reading too much into it but thought I would get some reassurance. I feel I can never be too safe these days and I want to keep DBing on the forefront of my mind.
It is kinda funny though. When I think about it I know the changes that I have made but at the same time they have become second nature to me. I have to remind myself exactly which 180's I have done so I can keep them up. I guess that is a good thing it means that these 180's are becoming engrained in me and are here to stay!
Quote: Happy Anniv. Choco!!!! Hope it is a good one!!!!
Our usual and favorite spot, Ruth's Chris. The best steak God ever put on a sizzling dish, some wonderful wine, and a night spent sleeping alone on the couch, as per usual these days.
You guys were right!! We went back to a grreat night last night! No worries. I did find a book while I was putting H's clothes away on tantric sex. Am going to wait and see if he shares anything with me about it. In the meantime does anybody know anything about this? I have heard of it but do not know exactly what it encompasses. Something about being in tune with your mind, body and senses...what else?
I don't know why. I asked H you are rejecting me 2 nights in a row you never reject me? He said that he was just tired not rejecting me. I said you have never been to tired before. He said don't worry I am not mad at you or anything....I am happy. I said OK sort of puzzled. H replied if I were I wouldn't have taken you guys (D1 and I) out to dinner. We had a good time. He then said something to the effect of it is sometimes nice to have a few nights off for a while, we have been ML a lot lately. I said is it too much? H said no. I said is there such a thing? he said no unless you get honeymooners burn and tried to laugh about it. I said ok and rolled over he then cuddled for a little while with me and that was it.
