More good news to report. H and I are doing well. He is now telling me ILU's more on a regular basis and it feels great! He doesn't over do it just in the morning and maybe at night (still initiated by him). When he does he looks deeply into my eyes and tells me as to let me know how sincere he is. I remember reading someone elses thread that said they just looked into their spouse's eyes every time they talked as to just say ILU with their eyes. I thought this was great advice for someone who wants to tell their S ILU with all of their heart but is afraid of pushing them away. I took this to heart and told him with my eyes without ever saying a word and now he is reciprocating with both his eyes and his mouth.

Last night he asked me if I was happy and I said yes, I asked him in return if he felt happy (I kinda cringed not knowing what he would say) and he replied YES. Whew- what a relief. I was excited to hear that.

With all of this good news I should be jumping up and down and don't get me wrong-I am......but I am still nervous. I think that a lot of my trust has been broken through this journey. H still says that there is/was no OW (I don't bring it up anymore) but he still broke our vows when he was participating in chat lines, strip clubs, phone lines, etc. He says that that is all behind him and he just wants to move on. H feels so terrible and guilty about it. I know he does but he felt those feelings while he was doing it. I guess I have fought so hard to get where I am at that I never really had a chance to be in tune with my own feelings. Our M is better now than it has been in a long time and I am very thankful for that. I guess I wasn't as happy as I thought before the bomb dropped.

My question is how do you recover the trust in a marriage? I want to believe him but he was able to hide it so well before. He works at home on his computer he could easily browse a few sites or chat rooms while on break or lunch or, or, or. It is not hard to do. I don't think he would do that but I never would have thought the past few months would have transpired the way they have.

I still snoop a little bit. I know that it will do me no good but if I can put to rest any suspicions I have I will feel a little bit better. In the meantime it is driving me crazy. I found a calling card in his wallet this morning for 500 minutes. That is a lot of minutes =8.3hours! We do not have long distance on our phone but he has his work cell phone that he makes all of his calls on. If it were for work it would be a corporate calling card. It could be old, have 0 minutes remaining, or it could be new and a very good reason for it. A calling card could be very innocent but the possibilities are out there.

I love my H very much and do not want to jeopordize the progress we have made. But once again I am wondering how do I get over the whole trust issue? I do not want to always be wondering or snooping.

Will it just take time? or me just "coming to terms with it"? or talk to him down the road about my unresolved concerns? or....

Any advice is welcome from folks who have dealt with the trust factor.