I am trying so hard not to get discouraged. Whenever I start to I look back at how much progress we have made. My H says that he is happy that we have been getting along. He will say words of encouragement and then the same day say something that makes my heart sink. I know he is confused but it is still so hard. We will talk about the future and the possibilities and then he will make a comment like "we need to first figure out if we want to still be married." This was in regards to our lease we just signed for 1 year. We were talking about possibly building or buying a house after that trial period is over. This should be enough time to figure things out or to prove to him that the changes I have made are here to stay.
I know that he is trying but I just wish I knew what was going on inside his head. Last night I was asking about furniture arrangements and he said "I don't care. I am more concerned about the people in each room and what they are doing." I asked what that meant and he said "how we are getting along." This is kind of weird because he has always had a definite opinion about decorating.
Who knows! I shouldn't be trying to analyze everything to death but I just can't help it. I am trying not to let on that I am thinking so much about it, but my mind runs wild with thoughts.
Well that's it for now. At least he is over the whole guilt thing and is wanting to ML and for me to touch him. I have backed off a bit and he has come to me. At least that part of our R has been good and very frequent. Could that really have that much of a trickle down effect into the rest of the R?
Things are starting to really improve. H is really paying attention to me and seems to be enjoying himself. He cuddles with me and I feel that our SL has really improved. I think that he is liking the extra attention that he is getting. He will walk around with his shirt off and tell me that it is for me. He cuddles and doesn't get so angry with me. It is amazing but like I have said in my past posts I am afraid to let down my guard because I don't want to be blind sided again just as he doesn't want to let down his because he is afraid I will slip back into an old pattern.
As for possible OW. He stopped deleting calls on his phone and has not talked to her. Also I had let my mind run wild in previous posts because he now has also canceled his trip. He thinks that the money is better served going towards us. The most encouraging thing is that he is talking about us building a house up on some property. (This is what we always wanted to do before the bomb). This is good news. It is the future that includes me!!
I am feeling optimistic but also a little nervous. Still there are no ILU's. On Easter I got him a bag of chocolates and a light hearted card. He was afraid that it was going to be all lovey dovey and didn't want to open it. He was relieved when it was just a fun card. He of course did not get me anything. Why was he so afraid? Because he was feeling pressured? I have no idea. Later he said thanks for trying and gave me a good hug. Is this a good thing? I know this takes time but things "seem" to be going well.
I am trying to come up with some more fun or spicy ideas to keep things a little new and different. I am going to pick up some new slinky sleep attire, try sending a text message, and am trying to think of other ideas?????
I would love to hear any advice from people who have done something simple like this and got a great response from your H.....or vice versa. I am not very creative and kinda want to blow his socks off-just once.
Bananas... You are doing great! I don't have any wild suggestions, but keep doing what's working. Maybe little things here and there are the way to go ( you don't want to overwhelm him either). Keep us posted!
Hi Bananas ... look into getting the following book:
101 Nights of Grrreat Romance: How to Make Love with Your Clothes On
It's full of great themed date night ideas (some Risqué, some just fun). Another DBer on the message board told me about it. She's had fun with it. I've got it, but, don't feel relationship is ready just yet to test it out.
Things look promising for you! Hearing progress like yours keeps the rest of us encouraged!
Keep it up!
God won't make a mountain I can't climb! UPDATED: 5/9/07 ... I'm proof there is life after his MLC! My heart goes out to each of you that are experiencing the hell I lived through. God Bless You!
Thanks Blue I will look into it. I am excited to report that H and I had a great weekend. In fact he said the long awaited words "I love you"!!!!!! I about died. I was taking D1 to the Dr. on Sunday and he walked us out to the car and gave me a hug and said it and then again once this morning. Things are really looking up. I hope that this post can really help to let others out there know that there is hope. I feel that without DB'ing I would not be where we are at today. I feel that the biggest turning points for me was the realization that I needed to give him his own space, find my ownself (& be happy with me), and let him come to me. We still have a lot of work to do but at least we both know that there is still love in the R!
More good news to report. H and I are doing well. He is now telling me ILU's more on a regular basis and it feels great! He doesn't over do it just in the morning and maybe at night (still initiated by him). When he does he looks deeply into my eyes and tells me as to let me know how sincere he is. I remember reading someone elses thread that said they just looked into their spouse's eyes every time they talked as to just say ILU with their eyes. I thought this was great advice for someone who wants to tell their S ILU with all of their heart but is afraid of pushing them away. I took this to heart and told him with my eyes without ever saying a word and now he is reciprocating with both his eyes and his mouth.
Last night he asked me if I was happy and I said yes, I asked him in return if he felt happy (I kinda cringed not knowing what he would say) and he replied YES. Whew- what a relief. I was excited to hear that.
With all of this good news I should be jumping up and down and don't get me wrong-I am......but I am still nervous. I think that a lot of my trust has been broken through this journey. H still says that there is/was no OW (I don't bring it up anymore) but he still broke our vows when he was participating in chat lines, strip clubs, phone lines, etc. He says that that is all behind him and he just wants to move on. H feels so terrible and guilty about it. I know he does but he felt those feelings while he was doing it. I guess I have fought so hard to get where I am at that I never really had a chance to be in tune with my own feelings. Our M is better now than it has been in a long time and I am very thankful for that. I guess I wasn't as happy as I thought before the bomb dropped.
My question is how do you recover the trust in a marriage? I want to believe him but he was able to hide it so well before. He works at home on his computer he could easily browse a few sites or chat rooms while on break or lunch or, or, or. It is not hard to do. I don't think he would do that but I never would have thought the past few months would have transpired the way they have.
I still snoop a little bit. I know that it will do me no good but if I can put to rest any suspicions I have I will feel a little bit better. In the meantime it is driving me crazy. I found a calling card in his wallet this morning for 500 minutes. That is a lot of minutes =8.3hours! We do not have long distance on our phone but he has his work cell phone that he makes all of his calls on. If it were for work it would be a corporate calling card. It could be old, have 0 minutes remaining, or it could be new and a very good reason for it. A calling card could be very innocent but the possibilities are out there.
I love my H very much and do not want to jeopordize the progress we have made. But once again I am wondering how do I get over the whole trust issue? I do not want to always be wondering or snooping.
Will it just take time? or me just "coming to terms with it"? or talk to him down the road about my unresolved concerns? or....
Any advice is welcome from folks who have dealt with the trust factor.
Bananas I can't answer your ?? on trust, as my W is killing mine everyday. I am sure people here will be able to do so.
I am very happy for you that things are on track and progressing. You are wise to take it slow. I too have been sending my love to W with my eye contact. Trouble is, she looks back into mine and says "what???"
I hope you can find a way to discuss the trust issue with him gently. It would be a shame to let resentment build due to your misgivings, if a timely discussion could help.
Congratulations on your successes...what great progress you have made! Regarding the trust issue, I know you are focused on whether you should trust H again, but maybe the thing to do is search inside and find your trust within yourself ( you trusting you). You mentioned you were taken by surprise by your H's bomb, but now see you may have not been as happy as you thought you were. Can you remember how it felt? Would you be able to recognize when things are not going as well between you and H? Take good notice of the wonderful changes that are occurring now and drink them in...trust yourself that you will notice if there is some kind of shift.
Beyond that, I think it is wise to have some sort of preventative program going on, a time when you and H can check in with each other. I think a small degree of snooping/checking in on H is a good thing as long as it doesn't become obsessive.
