The part about him saying he is the bad guy jumped out at me also. So I am very curious what he feels guilty about.
I know I am the higher drive spouse and my husband the lower. I can tell you over the years a lot of resentment builds. It's not like a sudden thing. It eats at you daily and then daily turns to weekly and weekly to monthly. You start to become critical of the other spouse and spend way to much time stewing and thinking. You feel unwanted and undesired and it hurts. You feel trapped to a life or boundary that you never wanted. I know for me I feel like my husband doesn't put me first. I feel he doesn't care about my needs. I often feel he doen't even love me.
I think it is great you are willing to work on it. I would tell him about the books you are reading and just how much you are willing to work on the marriage.
Quote: Perhaps he feels you have just had this quick fix idea and after all he is a bit more of a complex human being than that. He wants some of your attention and that can include all kinds of things not just sex.
Sweet text messages Cooking his favourite meal Little token gifts Spending time together just chatting about stuff he is into not just whatever is on your mind at the moment.
I know when my wife had her (short-lived) "epiphany" four years ago, as STARVING as I was for the sex (and suddently doing it frequently WAS wonderful), it was some of these OTHER things she did that really made me feel special. Making my favorite dinner (that she knew most of the kids didn't like) "just because I know you like it." Telling my daughter, who was whining that her parents were actually GOING OUT ON A DATE "well, I'm sorry, but sometimes mommies need to be with daddies." (this was SOOOOO unlike my wife). The hugs. The kisses that were more than just the usual pecks.
I think there are a lot more husbands that are craving an overall "I am important to you" relationship with their wife, than there are just men looking for more sex.
Banannas, let me start by saying there are many similarities between you and my W, me and your H.
If I were in your H's shoes, I would be extremely cautious and weary. Here is something that has been bothering him for a very long time, and you have immediately "fixed" the biggest piece, which was the LD. I guarantee he is wondering if this is going to last. Are you doing this to appease him, or because you enjoy it? In addition, he has a lot of emotional recovery to do. He needs time to warm up again to where things were at one time.
I hope this isn't too brutally honest... it's just that if my wife did what you did, that's how I would react.
As far as I could tell, he was doing this to "keep" me, not out of any sort of desire for ME.
It took a while to trust him and to trust his desire. In the meantime, I was very cautious and guarded. I was afraid that his desire would tank as soon as he was sure I wasn't going anywhere.
Have you prepared yourself for that day? What you are going to do when you get him back? How will you keep your sex drive alive? What I am getting at is, What sorts of things do YOU like about sex and what gets YOU going? If all the focus is on your H, I'm afraid that you will be right back where you were before when he re-commits to the marriage. Kwim?
Thanks for the great tips. In case you haven't read my thread on the Newcomers Forum. The reason why my H says that he feels like the bad guy is that he told me a couple months ago that he had been addicted to porn, looked online, phone chat lines, strip clubs, etc. When he told me I immediately withdrew. At that point he went away for training for 3 weeks and when he came back that was when he told me he wasn't "in love" with me anymore. He is willing to go see a C with me but I have a worse gut feeling. I think that he is having an EA with a woman he met at his training. I don't think that it is physical and I have asked him. Honestly, I don't even know if I want to know. The problem is, I looked through his call log and noticed that she had been calling him quite frequently. When I asked him about it he said that was one of the friends he met. But I could tell by the look on his face that something else was going on. Now he has started deleting his recent calls on his phone so I can't tell when they talk. It wasn't every day but frequent enough to warrant concern from me. I want to confront him about it soooo bad but things have been going good over the week end. I don't want to jepordize any progress that we have made. What should I do? I don't want to attack him but just ask and see what his response is.
The OW lives 5 states away at least so I know they are not seeing each other on the side physically. The problem that I have is what if she is just a friend? Am I going to damage my M even more by asking?
One other thing. H is going to take a trip by himself to clear out his mind. I know that he likes to be away and by himself sometimes and he has talked about doing this a while back. But I can't help but feel he is going to meet the OW. He says he is going to tour baseball parks in CA. He is a huge baseball fan and is not too unlike him-but I can't help not trust him. I don't want him to go on this trip!!! There is no way to know whether it is innocent or not (or whether he is going by himself or not).
You can't work on a marriage where three people are involved. You can work on you and the things you can fix. It takes you and your husband to address the needs of your marriage. He is focused on his needs right now, not yours or the marriage's needs.
First off, don't panic. It won't do you any good, it won't fix anything and will only exacerbate the problem.
Go to the book store and pick up three books.
"Divorce Remedy" by Michele "Surviving An Affair" by Harley. "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson.
For now, keep them from your husband. They are not a secret, but these books are your weapons to fight for your marriage. You don't want him short-circuiting your efforts.
Read them, study them. The information they contain, if applied correctly, can help you save your marriage.
The absolute worst thing you can do, is to stay frightened, and avoid conflict by doing nothing.
Your husband has secrets. He is hiding his activities from you. That is his guilt at work.
Get the books and read before you confront. You know he is doing it. That will do for now.
His trip is very likely an excuse to go meet the other woman.
I wish you all the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks for all of the great information. Especially from you folks who have had a change in your spouse. I can understand how my H would be skeptical but I have pretty much come to the understanding the HD and LD is all your state of mind. My H and I have had a good straight 4 days together and I hope this is start to a new beginning for us.
I have come to the realization I don't need to change myself but remember who I am. The person he fell in love with. I really still am that person I just lost my way through stressful situations. We are going to go see a C next week. I am sort of nervous to see what may come out of it. I asked him today about scheduling an appointment with the C and he said "so do you think that she can help me get rid of some of this anger?" I replied "I hope so." I am still a little confused on what that means. I know that it has been pent up for so long that it won't go away overnight. But why anger?
I love the tips and advice about things to do for him. Does anybody have any more tips? How do I make him feel better about himself? I completely agree with what was said about him wanting to be desired and it eating away at him for so long that it just built up resentment and anger. Now he is just so critical of everything I do and say. Although something has kind of come over him since Friday night. I am not sure what but it is positive.
As for the possible OW. My heart says that she is just a friend that he met and he likes to do a little flirting (I think he feels it is innocent flirting) and that his trip to CA is truely just for him. The way he has been talking about it leads me to believe this but I am not sure. Then my mind runs wild and comes up with all sort of different scenarios and I get panicked. I don't think there is a whole lot I can do. He never talks about her or gives me any reason to suspect anything besides the fact that I just found a few calls on his work cell phone. I cannot really confront him about it because there is nothing to base it off of.
At this point in time he seems to really want our M to work out. I think the stage that we are at right now is a critical time. Any more suggestions or advice from anybody is more than welcome!
Your H said "he said "so do you think that she can help me get rid of some of this anger?" ....the C will help him to understand what was going on with you better, which I believe will help possibly to diffuse some of the anger....understanding is a great tool!
Don't be worried about the counseling...sure it's natural to be nervous, but go into it with an open mind....and utilize the counselor as a tool to get your M back on track.
Also, don't be surprised if you find yourself getting emotional in his/her office...that happens, go with it...feel what you need to feel, get it out! Both of you are bound to have pent up emotions...this is definitely the time/place to deal with those emotions.
Well, it could be something totally innocent and the anger is coming from his resentment that is built up, over the years. Repeated sexual rejection is really a damaging thing. Imagine how you would feel, being rejected. Specifically, what feelings would flood over you? Could you remain loving to your spouse after years of this? I'm not saying this to induce guilt, btw, but to illustrate what a powerful tool empathy can be. Put yourself in the other person's shoes, as fully and completely as you can, and it can really be eye opening. When I do this (remember to do it, really) and think of how our R looks from his LD standpoint, I am much more loving and caring towards him.
So, the HD partner begins to hate themselves because they feel worthless and undesirable. And they begin to hate the other person because they are "making" you feel that way. Illogical, yes. He is who he is, regardless of what YOU think about him. If he's a sexy guy, he's a sexy guy no matter how many times you reject him. But......it takes a while to come to that realization on your own, kwim? Give him some time and lots of love and see what happens to that anger.
The other not-so-innocent explanation is that your love and recommitment to the sexual relationship is causing him guilt and uncertainty with respect to the OW.
I don't know what to tell you about that one, except to simultaneously keep a close eye on what's going on, but be the best Bananas you can be. Lure him to you with your great personality and sexy fun attitude. This is what got him the first time, right!
I think you are right, in that we all sorta get lax and lazy about being the fun person that drew us to each other in the first place. Try to get her back and chalk the rest up to lessons learned.
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