OK-For all of you HD folks out there, I need some advice. I have just recently found my HD before was LD but it took my H telling me how unhappy he is and doesn't know if he wants to stay married.
Here is my sitch very briefly. H recently told me the whole I love you but am not in love with you line. He has had past HD vs LD talks but I never got it through my head. I was so stressed out over everything else I had to do including a very demanding job.
I fear I am too late. This problem has overflowed into the emotional side of our M. He now says he feels there is something missing. I can't help but think it all doesn't come back to the ssm. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I want to make it up to him but how. The first week we ML every day and some days even twice. Then all of a sudden it stopped. He said it was like a punch in the nose. Too much at once. He also said that there is nobody else. It bothered him that ML was the only thing we were working on. Although I feel the other issues are directly related. I can understand how he can be skeptical about me changing-but why not enjoy it.
I have read the 1st chapter of SSM and also DR several times but I am wondering is it too late? Some days he wants me to touch him other days no. I never know which day will be which. Also afterwards he says he feels guilty because it is just physical at this point and he knows that it means more to me. What is this all about?
From what I got out of the 1st Chapter is that there is a lot of anger and resentment built up over this issue. If only I could have realized it before.
Also, just a bit of advice for you men with a LDW. TELL HER, TELL HER TELL HER. Beat her over the head with it if you need (not literally...LOL). Let her know how unhappy it is making you. To the point that you do not know if you want to continue a M like this. Then give her the book. I bet you things would be a lot better in my case had my H done this to me. I just didn't realize what it meant to a man. I thought it was more like an itch that needed to be scratched every once in a while, and we ML about 1 a week. Not even a severe case from what I have read. But it was for him! I now understand that.
Please help with any advice. You can check out my thread in the newcomers forum under 7 year itch? not in love with me? help!
Any suggestions on how to approach him? Why doesn't he want it now all the time? Is he trying to play games with my mind to make me feel like he has felt the past couple of years? Could this be what is missing-if so does he not realize it? Thanks for any feedback! I would love to hear what a HD man has to say! -Bananas
Welcome aboard, Bananas first thing I would recommend: order and read SSM & DR the sample chapters are a good start. In those pages, you will find some ideas. Offhand, show your H your copy of SSM and express some desire to work on the problem together.
I feel resentment can take a long time to build, so it can also take a long time to overcome.
If he had the talks with you in the past and you didn't take it seriously enough to act on it back then, he could've taken it to heart "you didn't care enough".
The change might have to be proven and shown consistently for him to really believe.
I don't know if he's trying to play games with you or not. But it's a natural reaction, in my opinion, to want the other person the hurt as they have been hurt. Right or wrong, they want the other to feel the pain that they have. Constructive? Not really. That's why it's important to be consistent and dedicated to the change.
"we ML about 1 a week" ? That's not baaaad, I would be happy with that. There could be other issues.
How old is he? How long been married? Kids? How long has he been feeling this way?
Thanks John- We have been married 6 years-together 9. age- 29. 1 daugheter who just turned 1 it has been going on a couple years (so he says) but the bomb dropped about 4 weeks ago. H keeps changing his mind about timeframe-he has said anywhere between 2 and 3 years. One of the problems was frequency but more than that was more initiating, active participation, variety, wanting to feel desired- I am sure you get the picture.
I am trying to figure out the bigger picture but am having a hard time. This is the one thing that he tried to talk to me about in the past but didn't communicate quite so clearly or I was not wanting to hear what he was saying. Either way I can't tell you how sorry I am that I didn't get it then. He felt that I had a restriction to 1/wk. To tell you the truth it just wasn't at the top of my priority list. I came home emotionally drained from work and then tried to clean the house, etc, etc.
In return he became short with me and not there for me emotionally, especially with the little things like little hugs and kisses. He used to want to do kind things for me but not anymore. I didn't appreciate him. I just hope that it is not too late to show him how I truely feel.
I have read DR several times through already and have put some of the techniques to use. It is hard to tell what is and isn't working yet. I also am buying the SSM.
Why the guilt now? He swears no OW How is it too much all of a sudden? I don't get it
"more initiating, active participation, variety, wanting to feel desired- I am sure you get the picture."
I get the picture. Men like me like to be pursued at times as well.
"To tell you the truth it just wasn't at the top of my priority list"
I don't expect my wife to not have a life and interests and to kiss my feet all the time, but it would be nice if she would put me in front of the kids, extended family, girl scouts (she's a troop leader) etc every once in a while. I know what it's like with a 1 year old, we have a 2 year old and a 10 year old with Apsergers Syndrome. Yes it is stressful. But I see my wife making time for everyone and everything, then maybe me if there's something left.
"This is the one thing that he tried to talk to me about in the past but didn't communicate quite so clearly or I was not wanting to hear what he was saying."
Not everyone is as eloquent with communication skills as others. I know I'm not. Sometimes it's both, one not cleary communicating and the other not listening either. That really makes it a problem..haha. That's what counselors are supposed to help with.
Your husband sounds a lot like me right now. All these things tend to build resentment. And if he is a sensitive type emotionally, resentment can cut deep.
"How is it too much all of a sudden?"
If he's been feeling this for a couple of years, it's not all of a sudden to him. It's all of a suddent to you, but it's been festering in him for a while. And if he's not good at communicating his feelings, that's why it feels "all of a sudden" to you.
I'm sorry I'm not too helpful with advice, but I hope this can give you some insight to what might in his head right now. I'm not saying his point of view is constructive right now, but that might be the place he's in right now.
Thank you for your help. You provide some helpful insight to it all. Although you seem to know exactly what your problem is. My H's is soo deep rooted that he is questioning whether he is still "in love" with me. Have you felt this way about your W? He says that ML will not help the other issues? Should I believe this? I just talked to him and he has so much built up anger and frustration. I realize the mistakes I have made in the past, his complaints are more along the lines of not listening closely enough, talking too much about D, not enough about him, being too nice (not sure about this one), and other vague things. These do not seem like big enough issues to want to D your S over. When I ask him what he wants from me he only says "tell me to F off and then I wouldn't be the bad guy" He also says he doesn't know why I am still around.
Oh, and he was the one that told me that all of the ML the first week was too much. I actually was enjoying myself.
I don't even know how to act. Have any suggestions? -B
Quote: When I ask him what he wants from me he only says "tell me to F off and then I wouldn't be the bad guy" He also says he doesn't know why I am still around.
This kind of jumped out at me. If YOU'RE the one who didn't listen, didn't respond, etc., why is HE feeling like the bad guy? Why is he wondering why you're still around? Hmmmm... this strikes me as fishy. I would think that someone in his position would be full of righteous anger or at least indignation. He's trying to push you away at this point-- sorry, does not compute. I haven't read your whole story, so maybe I'm unaware of some important detail.
I hate to sound like NOP here, but are you sure he's got no one else in the picture?
Quote: My H's is soo deep rooted that he is questioning whether he is still "in love" with me. Have you felt this way about your W?
I have never questioned my love for my wife. But, I have questioned at times if I would be around when the kids have grown if things don't improve.
You know, sometimes what can happen, especially if you have no one to vent to, is you start to talk to yourself alot. Then you start to validate your own emotions to yourself. Then the more you validate yourself, the bigger things get and you start to convince yourself of things that are bigger than life itself and your thinking gets very clouded. It's a very viscous mindset you can get yourself into.
At 29 with a one year old and the responsibilities that go with it can be stressful.
Quote:
He says that ML will not help the other issues? Should I believe this? I just talked to him and he has so much built up anger and frustration.
Yeah I can believe this. When a couple is first dating, there is no history of things to cause resentment. The romance is hot and exciting, so the sex is hot and exciting. As the years build on, and real life sets in....jobs, kids, bills, activities apart from each other, in-laws etc, the little things start building. I don't believe that any 2 people are perfectly compatible.
ML is intimate and all, but life's issues are still there when the sex is over.
In other words, I feel that the lack of sex is a symptom sometimes and not the root cause.
Quote:
his complaints are more along the lines of not listening closely enough, talking too much about D, not enough about him
Those are valid complaints if they are true. Not valid enough by themselves to divorce over unless he is not fully devulging everything.
That might be why the line "I love you but not in love" is indicative of something else.
Quote:
being too nice
When I ask him what he wants from me he only says "tell me to F off and then I wouldn't be the bad guy"
He also says he doesn't know why I am still around.
This is very interesting. The bad guy about what??? Those are pretty loaded statements. What does he feel guilty about?
It could be too, he doesn't feel he is adequate enough as a husband and new father. Are there any other problems, such as work, financial?
EDIT: If he swears no OW, then I wouldn't under estimate the burden of being a new father.
Have you told him about the books your reading and the work you are trying to do to fix things? If so, how has he responded?
Is he open to seeing a counselor with you to help you 2 solve these issues?
quote: -------------- I hate to sound like NOP here, but are you sure he's got no one else in the picture? --------------
Lillie, I am sorry that you hate to sound like me.
Bananas. There are definitely a couple of flags here, but what is your gut feeling about another woman in the picture?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: I fear I am too late. This problem has overflowed into the emotional side of our M. He now says he feels there is something missing. I can't help but think it all doesn't come back to the ssm. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I want to make it up to him but how. The first week we ML every day and some days even twice. Then all of a sudden it stopped. He said it was like a punch in the nose. Too much at once. He also said that there is nobody else. It bothered him that ML was the only thing we were working on. Although I feel the other issues are directly related. I can understand how he can be skeptical about me changing-but why not enjoy it.
Hi,
I can see a lot of similarities with my H. you have a small D and that takes up a lot of your time (plus job etc) you have been neglecting H. I know I know it feels like huh can't he just be a grown up and accept I can't focus on his needs right now. But that is where my H was and it had gone on for a lot longer than your sitch.
I guess the emotional side has got to him. Maybe at first the ML was great and a salve to his wound but after a week of crazy ML he started to feel like that wasn't all that was wrong, like you weren't paying attention to what else is wrong and maybe just by treating him like someone who just needs loads of sex to keep them happy you aren't respecting him.
Perhaps he feels you have just had this quick fix idea and after all he is a bit more of a complex human being than that. He wants some of your attention and that can include all kinds of things not just sex.
Sweet text messages Cooking his favourite meal Little token gifts Spending time together just chatting about stuff he is into not just whatever is on your mind at the moment.
I don't know if there is OW maybe there is but I can understand that if someone is hurting and feeling their relationship is all wrong then a quick overdose of sex is not necessarily going to fix it no matter how HD they are.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
