No Boundaries (continued...from cally's thread).

[NotATLDave]

You posted that your C thinks the BB takes intimacy away from the M? Is that correct?

Pretty much correct. I agree with her too but don't follow it to the letter of the law...I'm here right now. If you've followed my posts, I spend a lot of time talking about *me* and try to avoid talking about my W like others do. Most everything I post here has been shared already with my W and C. I repeat a lot of it because I'm trying to share the "sensations" of success so others will be ready for the changes that start to happen. Defusing causes really weird things to happen. One would think that a big dose of C would make you walk hand in hand into the sunset with stupid smiles on your face, but in reality, it's a mixture of really good things and really weird, seemingly counterproductive things. I think I covered the "weird" in my last big thread. As long as you are learning from your experiences, sharing what you've learned, and staying focused on using this knowledge for the betterment of your R, then there are very few things you can do wrong.

You posted that your C thinks the BB takes intimacy away from the M? Is that correct?

Me?!!!...a talker?!!! Are you kidding?

Seriously. My poor W and the heavy cross she bears by having to listen to me go on and on and on....just like my posts. She claims that I say things 3 times. But that I say things from three different angles for 3 different audiences. The first is the simple, high-level, abstract statement, the second is more literal and detailed, and the third is an example. My job requires me to speak to mixed groups of technical, non-technical, sales, and educator type people. The Asbergers prevents me from reading non-verbal cues therefore, I can never tell if people are understanding me...that's why I blast away. Oddly, I've been incredibly successful...I'm not sure why.

But back to your question. My W is definitely a listener and has a communication style that's almost as bad as mine in the opposite direction. She will say something like "mary had a little lamb" while thinking "four score and seven years ago"...then actually think I heard the Gettysberg address. That's why our C told us to use the "active listening" techniques when you really want to be "heard". It's hilarious when we do it because we can't keep a straight face (I think it reminds us of how goofy it was when we had to demonstrate it to the C). But despite the chuckles and irreverence, it's really helped ensure us that we've been heard on certain points. We go into active-listening mode usually when my W says "you aren''t listening to me". I usually say "I'm listening but maybe I'm not hearing you, I think you just said.....". Or I do the "timeout" symbol with my hands and we go into that mode.

My goal is to "draw her out" better by being a better listener and putting longer pauses into my conversations. Part of the flaw in our marital system comes from my energy. It overwhelms her and has prevented her from finding her own voice. The problem is that I think she's still in a habit of tuning me out by retreating to the TV. This causes our intimacy to crash which makes me anxious. Then I think sex will bring us back on track but as I discovered last week...all the sex in the world isn't going to satisfy one's need for intimacy.

Now I'm rambling.