I am awestruck at your fortitude in the face of seemingly improbable obstacles in DBing your H back home! I know I speak for many posters & lurkers when I say this: Your resolve and fortitude are something to beholden by all of us DBers!
My view is, that Richard Branson never got rich by dreaming about it or sitting there, he got up and fought and struggled and fought and struggled and went from living in the slums to being the millionnaire creator of Virgin Trains.
He did it because he wanted to break the cycle of poverty. If I want something badly enough I will go after it and struggle until I win.
My H is the love of my life and my kids are the essence of my existance, therefore there is no effort too great or obstacle too big which would keep me from my family.
There's no such thing as 'it's too late' and the only thing you can't change is death.
Therefore, if people on here want their H/W back, they should go at it with the same determination and don't think I might win, but I WILL win and I will DB my head off until I do!!
Success is for those who believe in it the most and believe in it the longest.
Jo wrote -------- Yes I do feel a little betrayed about my mother, but mainly I am scared of her getting her paws into my M and ruining it (like the last time) and emotionally abusing me. ----------
Jo, General feelings I have about your post about your mother is I wish it never happened to you. I wish she would have been a better mother.
I can't give you any advice. Sounds like you are doing the right thing and protecting your family.
Would you feel better if you got H to agree to make his visit short when he sees your mother so you would feel she had little time to negatively influence the kids?
I just don't understand all of the mean stuff adults do to kids. Eventhough I don't have everything figured out in life, if it is appropriate? (((((uncle type cyber hugs to you Jo)))))).
Do you have parental or aunt/uncle type people other than H's parents you can depend on in your life.
Your mother is worse than my MIL (I think). When my W tried to tell her mom about her brother and friends raping her she told her "don't cause this family anymore problems we have enough". So she endured it for six yrs. When W wanted to go to AL-Non meetings because of her fathers drinking, her mother said "NO!" I could list tons of examples, but you get the point.
I am excited your H said ILY, for me I loved W a longtime before I told her. "Players" will say it to get what they want, but you know your H is not a "player". So yes real men mean it when they say it. I love my XW now, but for DBing reasons I won't say it. When she tells me ILY, I will tell her also.
Keep up your dedication and patiences, you are doing great!
I could ask him to keep his visit short. His parents and his brother and a close friend all live in the same area as my mother so he's got plenty of excuses to leave early. Thanks for the suggestion.
I don't have any family, but I my best female friend is 40 so she's like a big sister to me. I have been to her house on New Year's Day every year now for 3 years and she takes me in on Easter Sunday and I sometimes go to her's for a weekend when H has DD4.
She helped me through the last 3 months of my pregnancy with dd4 and she went shopping with me to buy baby clothes and stuff. She got so excited about it, it was almost as if she was the one who was giving birth! Then of course I had a little girl and she's got 3 son's so she wents nuts over my little girl, carrying her around everywhere and putting tiny dresses on her.
She knew her birth weight and the exact time of birth if anyone asked her
She says I'm like the little sister she never had. Her husband's mother is 83 and really lovely and I see her at family ocassions. She's always chatty and brings biscuits and she loves my dd4. I have sort of adopted her as a grandmother figure.
Basically I think I have adopted them all as a surrogate family. They feel like my family.
I have limited contact with H's mother (email and visit maybe twice a year) and I'm still friends with H's brother as we've been friend's for nearly 18 years - that's how I met H, so a little M break up isn't going to change that ).
I have various other friends I socialise with, no one I think of as parental, though. I guess I have to parent myself, it teaches me to look out for myself and my dd4.
How's your W doing? I am happy for you that she told you and went through re-hab.
Were you the LBS or the WAH? It's great if you say ILY now. I haven't said it to my H in 2 and a half years as I learnt from my coach it was against DB'ing.
I said it today (5 times, LOL!) because he said it first
I hope it says it again soon. It was one of my aims and it's happened already!
She was a WAW, had a PA last July. CPS got involved because of her obsessive disorder with animals. (She had forty dogs) when I said all the dogs had to go she found OM via internet and within 2 weeks file for D.
Now that I know she was heavily addicted to painkillers and have studied the side effects, I can understand she wasn't herself.
Since rehab she has been emotional and tired. Her thinking is much better but she still needs alot of C. Sometimes I think she will go to C and other times I think she doesn't realize the importance.
She still goes out with her GF who uses drugs, so that scares me. She went out gambling with her and she is two house payments behind.
I have to remember one step at a time, don't push anything ei C, ML etc. I want her in C atleast weekly to help with PTSD, Addictive Compulsive Disorder and any other issues she has. I guess I will stay positive about C and try to motivate her to go.
jdd. Your W had my W beat. My W had 6 cats, 4 dogs, 3 birds, but no drugs. Pets ruined all of the flooring. Down to 3 dogs, 3 cat, and 3 birds.
-------- She still goes out with her GF who uses drugs. --------- Bad indicator. For people to change they have to drop the old addicted friends. I worked in juvenile corrections and say guys getting better, then old friends came around and all/most progress went out the door.
jdd. Hang in there and take care of yourself for now. Do what you feel comfortable doing to help your W. The more you do, the less she has to be responsible for, so don't over do it on anything.
Ioavva wrote ------- I don't have any family, but I my best female friend is 40 so she's like a big sister to me.....I had a little girl and she's got 3 son's so she wents nuts over my little girl, carrying her around everywhere and putting tiny dresses on her........ She says I'm like the little sister she never had. -------- That is great. I am so glad you have connected with several people.
I watched a documentary on TV about Cambodian people helping other Cambodians without relatives. The aid workers referred to anyone older than them as Auntie or Uncle. Never Mrs X or Mr. Y. It had a nice family ring to it. Sounds like your 40 yr old friend is some of the best kind of people one would ever encounter.
----------- I have to parent myself, it teaches me to look out for myself and my dd4. ------------ Sad for you but too often a true story.
You had a worse childhood than I did, although I would not call mine good. I often wonder if my childhood were better, would I have been a better parent? Like you, I too decided that I had to do the best I could for my kids and not repeat the mistakes that were made on me in my childhood.
After a certain age, life is not about what we got or didn't get in our childhood, it is about being a parent. Having a child centered spouse help tremendously.
Have you read any books that deals with unresolved childhood issues? Supposedly, your spouse, along with a book or two can help you to work through some of the things you feel you should have gotten as a child. If I can remember the title or author I will post it later.
Jo wrote ----------- If she starts doing more things for herself her self-esteem might rise and you'd find these depression symptoms and lack of intimacy in the M may get better. PS: Sorry, I'll take my therapist's hat off now -------------- Jo. I lumped several years of W's behaviors into one post. I should have given more history. You can put on your therapist hat anytime.
W did start talking to most of her relatives about 6/9 months ago. She occassionaly goes out with her former work friends. I agree, low selfesteem. And the "you are controlling" statement surface when I try to get her to do some things because I see she is depressed or just needs to get out of the house and be with women her age so she can have some girl fun.
--------- she thinks that you will understand her needs without her saying anything ('if he loved me he would know what I want') so she endevours to stress her needs through indirect manipulation or hints and if you don't get it the first time, she will punish you by arguments or withdrawal of intimacy. ----------- I read and decided a couple of months age, somethinng had to change. If I let W continue to treat me (and her) poorly and not do anything about it, I was just as guilty as she for allowing the poor behavior to continue. Guilty by inaction.
---------- treating her rather than bossing her around. --------- Good idea. W sees it as me trying to fix her. I will have to practice acting like it's a treat. I have been "Mr Fix-it" for so long, it's difficult for W to see me anyother way.
Typical problem in relationships=H does something to cheer W up, W sees it as manipulation ot "fixing". W does something she thinkd H will enjoy, H thinks "what this going to cost me". Also W thinks she is not appreciated so she buys herself gifts.
Both of us are getting away from this. More giving and no expectations.
).
The kitty meowed on thursday and sunday.