When my M was deteriorating - well, I think it started when H set up a computer shop. First he went to school to learn how to run a business (I was fine with that) and then when he actually opened the shop, he was working round the clock.
When you run your own business you're there setting up before you open, then it was open till 5.30pm (sometimes till 6pm) then he stay behind doing stock take and collecting deliveries and cleaning up and quite often wouldn't come home till 10pm, that's from being out from 7.30-8am.
He was REALLY enthusiastic about it which I tried to support to start with. He would talk about nothing but computers all the time, our other conversation dried up and he stopped seeing our joint friends because they weren't computer buffs. He made new friends (really nice ones, actually) but nonetheless, wasn't interested in the friends we'd been seeing for 2 years and going out to dinner with every month.
At this same time we had moved house to somewhere much smaller because it was cheaper, and this was a mistake as it was way too small for our needs. I didn't have enough space to run my own business so I ended up working from what was the storeroom of H's shop (1 desk, a chair, a filing cabinet and a photocopier surrounded by boxes and computers, LOL).
Of course this meant that for 2 to 3 days a week, we worked in the same space which I knew was a bad move and told him so, but he insisted upon it to save money. He'd keep leaving computer bits all over my desk and when I'd come in I'd find he'd upset my cash tin so I'd have to hunt round to find all the cheques before I could go to the bank. His assistants (male) both smoked so they were always leaving fag-ends on my desk too (ugh). I tried to ask them to tidy up but they wouldn't so I ended up tidying up the mess of 3 men. Whenever I asked H, he just said 'I'm not the one who smokes.'
I used to buy him cakes as a surprise and bring them to him on his lunch break. Quite often I'd take orders from the 3 of them and go and buy them their favourite sandwiches. They had me off up the road running their errands a couple of times per week, which I didn't mind, but once they started trashing my working space, I felt really used by all of them.
Didn't get 'protection' from H as he didn't stand up for me.
He lost all interest in my work even though he had helped me with it since 1997 (to the point of not caring if it closed). His argument was he earned more than me. I felt as if he was rejecting my financial contribution (which paid for private school fees of our dd's, the water bill, all birthdays, Christmases and family holidays).
I didn't earn as much as him but that wasn't the point.
Then we had 3 very small children which I had basically given birth to one after the other (then ages 5, 4 and 2) and we were 'trying' for a new baby without success for about 8 months, which was adding to the stress.
I did say to him we could wait till dd3 was 5 before we had another, but he said no he wanted one now, so we just carried on 'trying'.
(We always wanted a fairly good sized family, I said 5 or 6, he said 3 or 4 - so we agreed on 4) - we should have spaced them out more in age, tho. If I could go back and do it again I would wait until 20 yrs old to have dd1 and I'd leave a gap of 3 years between all of them.
Anyway, you can imagine how challenging they were, we had drop off's at daycare, I went to mum's and toddler group as well, there was washing for all those little kids, bath times, the supermarket etc and I was trying to cram chores in to the 2 days a week I didn't work, and would still be tidying on Sundays when I was supposed to be relaxing with H and the kids.
The house wasn't as tidy as I wanted and I'd stress over it which would bug H. Now I have a timetable of when I do things, at the time I didn't think of such ideas.
AFTER all this had gradually taken place, he stopped talking to me so much and started going on the internet all night and not going to bed till 2am, then he'd be up at 6.30am while I was still asleep and I'd wake up on my own. We stopped having breakfast together.
We still had sex, but it got a bit mechanical, over in 10 minutes, no hugs, no experimenting, just same old routine. I didn't feel any desire from him, it was as if he just did it because he ought to as my H.
I got pregnant and 5 weeks later he spun me the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' line and I did all the usual begging, crying etc. He stayed in the house with me until I was 6 months pregnant, then left. I didn't know DB'ing at the time and basically blew it with depression. If I could have known, I would have been able to get him to stay in those 5 months.
Anyway, sorry this has turned into another massive post.
Re my comment about why stay in a bad M for 20 yrs - I meant a sexless M, not just a standard one where there are problems, but one where there is no sex, no kissing, no touch etc as in my opinion that is friendship, not marriage.
I think real feminism is knowing how your man's mind works and through that, being able to get what you need from him without starting a fight or getting on your soap box. That is true feminism. Saying men are all inconsiderate is
1. Just as sexism against men as they are supposed to be against us
and
2. A fault against women for not being able to communicate their wishes to their H.
I think feminism has a lot to answer for the rampent D rate and real feminists have more subtle ways of addressing their needs than fighting.
