RE Jo wrote -------- I have been thinking that my case might be painful for those of you who aren't doing so good in the DB'ing stakes and I am considering taking my case off-line and coming back after we've reunited properly so I can post a one-off in the success stories forum. ------------- Jo. Stay on the BB, please. That is if you want to.
I see your point that you had a long lonely time, and many failed attempts before your recent success in dating your H. I agree with you that people want their relationships to be mended in short order and it usually takes a long time for the healing to show fruit.
People here are in pain and don't want to be in pain. One spouse sees the logic of DB'ing and the other spouse can only act in the revenge mode. The DB spouse does not understand how stupid the wayward spouse can be. After all ligic is logic? Right?
Wrong! There is no logic to the running away spouse and the DB'er can't see that. So the DB'er states his or her case here according to what he or she has learned. They think "If I have the right tools I can fix my M". After all a person with the right tools should be able to fix a lot of things. When that does not work what do you do to keep your sanity? You vent here.
Jo I agree with you when you say that you felt used when H was too busy for you but had time for a lot of other people. I worked to much at one time. I don't know if I worked to avoid feeling neglected/not important to my W or my W felt not valued and lost interest in me. Which came first or did they both happen at the same time?
Re Your comment about why people stay together for 20 years in a poor M?
I stayed with my W for the last 5 to 10 years because I bought into the womens rights movement, saying men should allow their wives to do what the wives wanted to do and men were generally inconsiderat. I did not buy this deep down inside me but my W said it was true. W wanted a strong man but if I was strong I was called controlling.
So, I thought maybe some of it is true. W also started to work for a very liberal organization where the general mood was "Do what you want to do and do not listen to anyone else's objections."
I stayed, hoping some of this new behavior would play out and go back to where things were, us as a team. It didn't happen
When things really seemed useless in Jan 04, I decided to fix what I could in me so I did not repeat some of the same mistakes in a/if next repationship, stop being a doormat, and let the chips fall where ever they landed.
It was not until I read several books, read and posted here, W noticed I was serious about breaking up, and I practiced DB'ing that some things turned around for the better.
Like you, there were several failures and I went from being commited to the M, to why try, it's useless. I supppose others have some similar things happening in their M, and that is why they stay. Having children together is anothe "BIG" factor for staying together.
Just my opinion Jo.
--------------- I guess I have just been thinking lately that maybe my posts might be a bit tactless when everyone is going through so much pain and I feel a bit powerless to offer anything except online friendship. ---------------- I think you are posting empathetic advice. I don't see anything that is tactless. Honesty is ysually the best policy.
I also often feel powerless Jo. Especially in cases like TAG's. O, how I wish there were things like crystal balls,so I could see what might work in someones M, but that would be cheating in my books.
Jo Iam violating one of my selfimposed guidelines (going to bed when W does) so I will have to quit for the evening. W went to bed at 10:30 and now it is almost 1AM. I read this is what happened in your M a couple of months befor your H left you.
