Jo, I am never bored reading your posts. Thanks for letting me into your childhood as troubled as it was.
Not wanting to take sides, I can see how your parents behaviors affected your needs to be with your H. You know someone loves you but can't be with you for some reason and you have the feeling of needing it fixed soon.
I try to look at things from a universal position. Example if I were the W, or If I were the child, or If my mum/dad did that how would I feel and react.
I can imagine your mother's/mum's feelings, having children and no H around. After a while she must have felt emotionally abandoned and stumbled into or sought out an affair because she was lonesome. Then she carried her feelings in to resentment towards your dad and let it spill out to the children that something was stressing her.
I often think of military famalies. What do wives and kids do when the H/dad is gone most of the time? In my ideal world, sopuses in the military would see their SO at least 4 days a week, baring combat situations. In combat situations there would be family week after 3 weeks of patrol time. I would have a 21 day limit on lack-of lovin. But my way would not work IRL.
----------- My dad just went back to Greece without saying goodbye to any of us and without closing the taverna. ------------ What a loss to you and the family. I can only imagine how that felt.
That situation reminds me of a Cathloic saying. Divorce, never. I would kill him/her before I got a divorce. Too bad your parents did not have Divorce Busting books back then. ( are you trying to save your parents marriage some how mentally? Just a thought)
--------- rather than being yelled at for marrying and being pregnant at 18, he congratulated me - I was doing what a good Greek girl should do). ---------- Well Greek is different than what I was used to.
I do not know how many times I heard don't do this, don't do that, wait until you are 21/26 to find the mother of your 2 children. Don't knock-up (slang for the girl getting pregnant) any of the girls you date. Then you are trapen for life.
(recently I read a book about a former culture where the girl had to be pregnant to prove she was fertile, before anyone in that culture could get married.) (IE no baby, the woman or the man was not marriage material)
-------- I showed H the letter and he said 'that's a goodbye letter.' ---------- Your H showed good insight. He still has that quality someplace. Do you think you could find his insight today?
---------- I have not seen his grave as he is burried in Athens and I haven't been back there since. ----------- It took my brothers death ( he was 58) in 1986 and my 20 yr older sisters ( she was around 61) guidance for me to go to the graveyard where my dad is burried, for my first time. So that is an open door for you too, if and when you want to go through it.
--------- I have no contact with my mother or my brothers and sisters --------- What do I say?
I am thinking. Send a card with pictures of your children to your mother. I think every mother is a different person once she becomes a grandmother (GM). If there are problems between her and you I can understand you not contacting her for your sake. My only thoughts are, maybe she is a better GM than a mom and do you want to short change your kids out of having a GM?
I say protect your children, don't feel you have to take poor behavior from anyone, but try to help your kids to have at least a little of a GM.
How long will she live? How powerful can she be in your life. Back then you were a child and she had the power. You are a woman / adult now, now you have the power if you exercise it. If that is too difficult did you ever have a bond with your brother?
Sorry for being the 'Kiss and make up guy". I don't want to over load you. Do or think what you can.
I suppose you should think. How will this effect my getting our M back on track. That seems to be the most important thing now. You need to be mum and have a fulltime H, if possible, so he can be dad to all your girls.
