Sorry I'm not terribly coherent tonight. I have been getting really tired lately.
I went to an alternative wedding and name ceremony today. I haven't been to a name ceremony since we named our own dd's (Alicia had her name ceremony in November 02).
I was really nervous because I haven't been to a wedding since my D. It wasn't a legal wedding, it was more of a pagan wedding, but even so.
I could have invited H and my other dd's but I thought my H might wrongly assume I was trying to persuade him into M or that he would feel self-conscious of all those people, so I just went with dd4. Also, the bride has only ever met dd4 so I felt strange about turning up with my tribe when she doesn't know who they are, well, she knows who they are but they are strangers to her.
Anyway, it was all very new age, it was a mix of all different things like Christianity, Wiccan etc. I think they took their favourite parts out of different religions and made them into one ceremony.
The bride looked wonderful. I felt a bit emotional when she entered the room with her hair all done up in these lovely white flowers (real ones) - she looked so pretty like that. Her 11 month old son, who was being named, was wearing a silver waistcoat and matching cravat, he was the epitomy of cuteness. I didn't even know they did cravats for babies.
She read out that poem by Kalil somebody or other, y'know: 'Your children are not your children, they are but life's longing for itself etc'
This is exactly what I meant earlier on when I was saying about my kids coming through me, but not belonging to me. Me and H actually read out the same poem for our dd1 on her name ceremony years ago, so that got me thinking about dd1, which of course made me feel sad.
When the bride and groom were saying their vows, I just tuned my ears out. I can do that if I want, just switch off. So I did, I stopped hearing so I didn't actually get to hear what vows they said and it's a good job or I would have been in tears.
I vaguely remember her H lighting a candle to symbolise his love for her, but that is all I remember from the actual wedding service.
We sang a hymn, then everyone tucked into the buffet and there was a punch and judy show on for the kids afterwards. My dd4 made a wedding card for them with multi-coloured feathers and card.
The bride came up and hugged me afterwards; I don't know whether that was because of my sitch or whether she was just being nice, but I was surprised because people don't hug me apart from H and the kids.
I felt like a bit of a spare part, really and it made me long that this sitch is over and I can have a proper R with my H, the love of my life.
I went to my friend's house afterwards for a coffee and a chat and now I am home and trying not to feel negative.
