I just wasn't sure if I was giving too much info or offending or breaking any BB rules.
If you want a sneak preview of my book (which I haven't finished writing yet) then email me privately on greekgoddess472@hotmail.com then I can send you a couple of pages. Not going to do it on here as it's a public board, and H has been asking me for ages to let him read it and I haven't yet (mainly because of the traumatic bits, I didn't want to remind him of bad times) and he keeps saying 'I will get to read that book one day!' LOL.
Gotta go now and get ready for a wedding; it's the first wedding I have been invited to since my big D came through, so I'm a bit nervous about it. I didn't invite H to go with me in case he percieved it as pressure from me to get re-married.
They are doing a naming ceremony of their baby as well so that should be fun.
Quote "Technically my H is my XH but I still call him H because we're seeing each other and if we are truly divorced, then it's the nicest divorce I've ever heard of"
Boy if that dont sound familiar.Course we only see each other with the kids but its all nicey, nicey. Turns out they did go to my church last sunday and stopped by to visit, almost certainly my D's idea. I was working on my truck with my bro that day. Sometimes I wish the D was a little nastier so I can just say good riddance but that would be selfish I guess. Take care JIM
RE Vanessa post re-written to suit my situation ----------- I have the same concerns about my W or family members stumbling onto my thread. I am extremely open and I know at times because my W has different rules, that she sees this as a flaw or even as being "EXTREMELY DISLOYAL". I am considering some changes that I need to make.
W knew about DB and even saw the many other books for 3 months of our difficulties. She didn't read any of them, and I could pretty much guarantee W has never visited this site. -----------
Ioavva ----------- You think my H would kill me in an honour death??! ----------- No way Jo. I was just thinking if his personal or religious belief system condoned any type of revenge. You guys sound very reasonable to not enguage into dramatic steps.
I was concerned because some people justify getting back at someone who according to some personal beliefs or practices, that she/he deserved the xyz punishment because he/she acted some way in the past. Not always physical but mostly verbal or attitude things.
---------- I'd be in pain and it's difficult for the other spouse because they have to keep making allowances - living with a person in pain is not easy. ------------ Sure puts a damper on how one proceeds on a daily basis. I have been on both sides and found it difficult to determine what to do some days. One day the pain was severe, a couple of days later the pain level was low, and a few days later the pain was up again. This up / down pain cycle makes it difficult to plan ahead and is confusing to the spouse.
---------- My H is a vegetarian because he doesn't want to take an animal's life. --------- I think like that sometimes but have a difficult time thinking that way around meat eaters. We do have a couple of vegetarian cook books and have a Seventh-Day-Adventist friend who eats eggs and drinks milk. The immitation meat products made from soy beans are good but sometimes produce intestional gas.
When I cook using meat I sometimes put in half of the meat the cook books suggest. Sometimes I subtitute beans for part of the meat or I add textured vegtable protein (TVP) made from soy beans.
There is a local restaurant near a cattle processing meat shop that advertises 20 ounce steaks. That is not me so I don't go.
----------- 'It would be far too dangerous to have that much money on my life. For half a million quid, ------------ Good reply Jo.
I passed the life insurance salespersons test but found out how much half truths are used to sell life insurance. Many life insurance companies only pay out 38% of what they collect. The rest goes to advertising and sales commissions. If a persom really needs life insurance and is in a higher risk group companies have ways to not insure those type of clients. And there are the people who quit paying then reapply but at a higher rate. Insurance companies like those people.
James - is that what you want, to say good riddence?? Because you are in charge of your own destiny, if you'd rather she didn't visit, you could say. Don't carry on because you don't want to be selfish, live life for you now.
Ignore that if you do want to carry on. I just think that people should do what they really want to do and not what they think they should do.
I am going to go over your sitch now and see if there's anything constructive I can say on your thread. I am a bit tired tho, as I've been to a wedding all day, so bear with me!
Jo, I'd venture to say its a rare individual that has a heart as good as yours. Even you took time to reconcile. Many of us like Jim, are still suffering and either courese of action is appropriate, mend or move on. It just depends where your heart wantrs to go and if your head can get you there. A wedding on Palm Sunday? What?
Sorry I'm not terribly coherent tonight. I have been getting really tired lately.
I went to an alternative wedding and name ceremony today. I haven't been to a name ceremony since we named our own dd's (Alicia had her name ceremony in November 02).
I was really nervous because I haven't been to a wedding since my D. It wasn't a legal wedding, it was more of a pagan wedding, but even so.
I could have invited H and my other dd's but I thought my H might wrongly assume I was trying to persuade him into M or that he would feel self-conscious of all those people, so I just went with dd4. Also, the bride has only ever met dd4 so I felt strange about turning up with my tribe when she doesn't know who they are, well, she knows who they are but they are strangers to her.
Anyway, it was all very new age, it was a mix of all different things like Christianity, Wiccan etc. I think they took their favourite parts out of different religions and made them into one ceremony.
The bride looked wonderful. I felt a bit emotional when she entered the room with her hair all done up in these lovely white flowers (real ones) - she looked so pretty like that. Her 11 month old son, who was being named, was wearing a silver waistcoat and matching cravat, he was the epitomy of cuteness. I didn't even know they did cravats for babies.
She read out that poem by Kalil somebody or other, y'know: 'Your children are not your children, they are but life's longing for itself etc'
This is exactly what I meant earlier on when I was saying about my kids coming through me, but not belonging to me. Me and H actually read out the same poem for our dd1 on her name ceremony years ago, so that got me thinking about dd1, which of course made me feel sad.
When the bride and groom were saying their vows, I just tuned my ears out. I can do that if I want, just switch off. So I did, I stopped hearing so I didn't actually get to hear what vows they said and it's a good job or I would have been in tears.
I vaguely remember her H lighting a candle to symbolise his love for her, but that is all I remember from the actual wedding service.
We sang a hymn, then everyone tucked into the buffet and there was a punch and judy show on for the kids afterwards. My dd4 made a wedding card for them with multi-coloured feathers and card.
The bride came up and hugged me afterwards; I don't know whether that was because of my sitch or whether she was just being nice, but I was surprised because people don't hug me apart from H and the kids.
I felt like a bit of a spare part, really and it made me long that this sitch is over and I can have a proper R with my H, the love of my life.
I went to my friend's house afterwards for a coffee and a chat and now I am home and trying not to feel negative.
Nice to hear from you It's because it was a pagan wedding and they chose today because it's the Spring Ecquinox (first day of Spring).
Yes I took time to reconcile but even now I don't think I will be truly reconciled until we live in the same house, if that makes sense? I feel a bit down about it because of the wedding.
The reason I took so long, as well, was my own fault, not H's because I got so depressed. That did not do me any favours. I did not know DB'ing for that first year, either.
I hope you might stick around and bail me out if something happens (God forbid) and I hope that one day after you have lived apart for long enough, you might find it in your heart to get it together with your W, or find another lovely lady whom you can practise DB'ing on for the rest of your life!
Thanks for the compliments, Tag, I appreciate you.
Jo since you wrote so many lovely things about the wedding, I was there with you is spirit after the fact. I am sure TAG was there too.
-------- it made me long that this sitch is over and I can have a proper R with my H, the love of my life ----------- If I had fairy dust and could grant wishes I would grant you your wish today. You seem to have enough bad things happen to you and have done many good things with your M/D/dating, that you deserve a just reward and a good life with an intact family.
OG Lou Wishing you a good nights rest and a better tomorrow.
I appreciate your thoughts too. It's silly to feel so alone because I spoke to H just yesterday for easily an hour, maybe two, on msn and he said he'd sort out my yahoo groups when he visits and TTFN which is kinda cheerful.
The wedding just made me wish he was there so I could hug him and tell him all the things I long to but can't (no R talk with DB'ing).
Oh, I manage to saying nothing, or make a joke out of things so it isn't too heavy for him, but I sometimes wish I could tell him what he means to me. I won't. I know how to be strong.
I just wish sometimes that someone could be strong for me.
It's a nice thought, you and TAG being at the wedding. I thought of my dad when I was there, and asked that he send some healing energy to my family (he is in the afterlife).
I quite often ask for spiritual guidance and usually it comes back to me in the form of songs. I'll be muddling over a problem and then find myself humming a tune and when I listen to the words of the song I have just sung, the answer is in the words of the song.
I think I shall say a prayer before I go to bed and see if I get any inspiration.
Jo -------- TTFN which is kinda cheerful --------- For me, TTFN is a friendly saying I have to go but I want to continue the relationship.
---------- I just wish sometimes that someone could be strong for me. ----------- IKWYM. Mentally I wish for that too.
In reality you and I have to make ourselves available to those around us, books, counselors, and to cyber friends that support us. I think that sometimes we look for one or two people to fill that need. I see more and more it takes many strong people, a little from each, to support us.
If it helps you, I am here to fill some of that need you have for someone to be strong for you. I can listen even if I don't have the answers you want or need at the time. I hesitate to speak for anyone else, but I am almost certain many here on DB feel the same way. I think most people first come here because they are in pain but they also have a need to help others.
I think the biggest problem is that sometimes we feel so lost or in need we overlook some of the support we are getting. I know in my life I have empathy for people in difficult situations but do not know an appropriate way to show support that the receiver can use.
Sometimes I do or say something that is taken a different way than I had in mind and all of a sudden things are going down hill. Or I said something to burst someones imaginary image of some event/person and now I am just another part of their mess.
-------------- It's a nice thought, you and TAG being at the wedding. I thought of my dad when I was there, and asked that he send some healing energy to my family (he is in the afterlife). -------------- Good Jo, being there in cyber land only is what we can do, not much but every little bit helps I hope. I see you have a silent support partner in your dad's spirit. I hope your relationship with him was mostly positive when he was alive. Make the best of it what ever it was.
I had a step dad (SD) that was very strict compared to my mother. I disliked him very much for many things. (my dad died when I was 4) When SD died, I was 17 and relieved he was dead. It took me 20 years to see he had some good traits and to get over my resentments of him. If I could talk to him to day I would say, your A, B, and C rules were hard to live with at the time and were unfair most of the times, but this is what I learned from other interactions and thank him for that. I can even see that he was right about some things I thought were totally unfair when I was 6 to 17. I could even say how I was wrong.
It toook 20 to 30 years for me to see things differently. That saying parents tell their children, "Just wait until you have kids, then you will see that I am right" is true in many cases.
I post this because I do not know what your relationship was like with your dad. I hope it was good and to say that good or strong traits in people we have encountered, can live in us past their death if we look for those good or strong traits and live them the best we can.
This post is not really about me eventhough it sounds like it is. Just suggesting there are several ways you to feel support from people around you, past and present.
It takes a good village to raise a good child. It takes a caring and supportive community for us to be strong. Let me be part of that community.
It's because it was a pagan wedding and they chose today because it's the Spring Ecquinox (first day of Spring).