Well, my children were a source of joy but then rapidly became my largest source of pain (i.e 2 year custody battle, separation anxiety etc etc).
My eldest girl who will be 9, has not lived with me since she was 5 and a half, so every birthday since then has been emotional agony for me. The first year after, I didn't see her much except fleeting visits with her dad, then I had them 2 days a fortnight, then the court upped it to 3 days a week...then he won so I didn't see them for another 8 months.
I started seeing them again last Christmas. It's all so new. My eldest dd is nearly as tall as me and she likes Gareth Gates and Will Young and clothes shopping, but in my mind I still see her as a 5 year old in Kindergarten.
H is letting me have her this year - I suppose because we are dating - so I get the day with her on the 17th. I was going to take her to Lanky Bill's Fun Shack and I bought her some new shoes.
I just get scared because I think if he changes his mind about us, they'll be no more birthdays. (He would never do joint special ocassions when we were separated). I suppose I am scared of getting hurt which is why it makes me feel sad.
Anyhow, I must stop these negative thoughts, they are not doing me any good!
