Chapter 2: Healing, a long ways to go yet

[psluke]

Pam, I gotta run from work but wanted to let you know that I think you're doing some good stuff here...I'll be back tomorrow with all kinds of thoughts

Sage

I can't wait! My brain feels rather fried. Hope yours has a fresh perspective.

[sage]

Sometimes I think I have come a long ways and am better off and sometimes I still just miss having the D I married in my life and I go over the things we did that I thought 'we' enjoyed and realize him saying he lost himself in our marriage may mean he didn't enjoy any of the things we did but just did the not telling me stuff. I know that is black and white and probably the truth is somewhere in the middle. But I WANT some answers.

Can it be both? Can you have "come a long way" and still miss D? Can he have felt like he "lost himself" and still have enjoyed your M? You say you want answers...here's the best one I can give you...you're not going to get hard and fast answers about these things. I'm sorry...but that's the answer. it's good and bad, black mixed with white, progress and regress, highs and lows, ebbs and flows. It's who we ARE as humans, Pam....a mix of things.

I wish I could feel sure D loved me. I think that is a big one that haunts me now, that he never really loved me at all.

Well, I suppose you could laundry list the loving times but will that help you now? today? or will it make it worse?

I guess I'm not ready to apologize for hitting J's van. I have always struggled with fairness issues and I feel she didn't get what she deserved, she came out as always smelling like the rose. I KNOW how she came out doesn't really affect my life, the knowing and the feeling it are two different things that I can't seem to reconcile.

this is totally understandable...so it's not time yet. And yes, you are right that how she fared doesn't necessarily impact you but I'm sure that doesn't make it easier.

Do you believe in karma? Perhaps there's some solace in that.

I feel bitterness over that, especially feel bitter that D doesn't even care about how B is doing and he knows that I have to be struggling financially as I did before he and I were married a bit. Plus he knows very well what my income is. I actually have decided I feel that is a part of why he prefers J. Her income level is much closer to his and then her settlement with a paid for house sets them up really well financially. Hence he has no need to try to get the money out of PK.

OK...so feel bitter if it helps a bit but then what about setting some financial goals? Looking for a new job? Cutting some expenses? Getting some new training? I don't know what the right answer is for you but I'll bet you do!

Are you open to working on forgiveness for you and for him knowing that it's not going to give you the black and white closure you are looking for?

I am not sure what you mean by working on the forgiveness for myself and him. Could you explain more?

Well...I was just throwing it out there...wondering if one of the reasons why you were feeling particularly stuck was because you haven't forgiven either one of you for the D and what led up to it. Sometimes I've found that when I'm stuck in anger at someone else, it's really partially about my feeling angry or guilty at myself (combined with being darned pi$$ed at them, too!). I wasn't stating with certainty that that's what's happening...just wondering is all.

Sage

[sage]

So, this is the post where I feel like you were doing great solving your own stuff!

Ok, more thinking. I think it is some pain left. Some anger left. Some total confusion of what was real in my marriage and someone close to just share with going through this difficult time right now.

OK...so can you think of things to do to alleviate this?

My life feels very disorganized at the moment and I feel swamped when even trying to think of getting it in order.

babysteps...what's one small thing you could do today to feel more organized?

I think I need a plan of action to get me motivated and past the point I am stuck on at the moment!

Biggest thing is to remember one step at a time. Second biggest thing is if I get home and I don't have to go somewhere I become a lump for the most part and don't get anything done, besides bare minimum!

Allrighty! so, small steps to get you moving...what does that mean to you?

Hmmm...another thought. When I feel very free and rope dropped is when I feel best, but I don't stay there!

Right at the moment I am gripping the rope very tightly and I seem to do it when really stressed, even if the stress isn't related to the divorce!

What about a part time job, Pam? Maybe working with animals? Would get you out of the house and would bring in some extra $. I'm not talking about a jillion hours...but maybe just a few hours a week? Get out, meet some new people, get some new skills?

or what about volunteering at a vet or something?

Sage

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

Thank you for your posts. I am thinking and processing still. You know this brain that never stops spinning!

At least I am no longer down. I wish I didn't get down but I need to KNOW that it will happen and it will also PASS!!!

Here is our agenda:

Last night worked on catching up laundry, packing, brushing dogs and loading what I could in the van.

This morning Shara had an 8 am training lesson an hour and a half from home! It went great and Darn the guy giving lessons is good looking!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then we turned around, went by the vet's office for B to get some fluids and Callie to get a check up. The vet also looked at Shara where she is ouchy in her back right now. She was much better today!!!

We are home for lunch and a break then load up all of the kids and head north for a little over 3 hours where T will work Shara. Spend the night and have a 9 am lesson with T on Saturday. Probably watch some other lessons to see what I can pick up and just socialize to get to know more of the herding people. At a guess we won't head home too early. LOL

[psluke]

Kids and I had a good weekend. Shara got to spend lots of time with sheep.

This weekend is our trip to St. Louis for Shara to show at the Sheltie Nationals in herding. Hopefully we get a pass score.

Feeling down today, rather wanting to cry and frustrated at not being able to identify the reason.

I am not lonely at the house with the kids there so the only thing I can come up with is I am missing that closeness that D and I used to share.

My guess is this is partially due to getting new computers here at work and that brings D to mind very strongly having people here working on computers. D and I used to work on computers together and he taught me everything I know about computers.

I also don't think I have placed all that happened in a way that I am satisfied and comfortable with in myself.

[psluke]

Sometimes I think I have come a long ways and am better off and sometimes I still just miss having the D I married in my life and I go over the things we did that I thought 'we' enjoyed and realize him saying he lost himself in our marriage may mean he didn't enjoy any of the things we did but just did the not telling me stuff. I know that is black and white and probably the truth is somewhere in the middle. But I WANT some answers.

Can it be both? Can you have "come a long way" and still miss D? Can he have felt like he "lost himself" and still have enjoyed your M? You say you want answers...here's the best one I can give you...you're not going to get hard and fast answers about these things. I'm sorry...but that's the answer. it's good and bad, black mixed with white, progress and regress, highs and lows, ebbs and flows. It's who we ARE as humans, Pam....a mix of things.


Hi Sage,

Finally reading this some more and doing more thinking. I guess I don’t really like being this way. Unfortunately I have no idea how to change me. I know D said one time he wished he were like a computer with no emotions. I think I agree with him, but then there would be no joy either!

I wish I could feel sure D loved me. I think that is a big one that haunts me now, that he never really loved me at all.

Well, I suppose you could laundry list the loving times but will that help you now? today? or will it make it worse?

But would the loving times be the truth? He hid things so well. I think he knew all along he wanted J but didn’t want to tell me and he still acted loving towards me. Looking back all the things he told me he was going to do to work on himself and find himself when he moved out he did none of them. He was out of our home less than a week and at the club with J. I believe now he just strung me along.

I guess I'm not ready to apologize for hitting J's van. I have always struggled with fairness issues and I feel she didn't get what she deserved, she came out as always smelling like the rose. I KNOW how she came out doesn't really affect my life, the knowing and the feeling it are two different things that I can't seem to reconcile.

this is totally understandable...so it's not time yet. And yes, you are right that how she fared doesn't necessarily impact you but I'm sure that doesn't make it easier.

Do you believe in karma? Perhaps there's some solace in that.

No, her coming out so well doesn’t make it easier for me to deal with my loss.

I’m afraid I don’t believe in karma. I think some people are just born luckier than others

I feel bitterness over that, especially feel bitter that D doesn't even care about how B is doing and he knows that I have to be struggling financially as I did before he and I were married a bit. Plus he knows very well what my income is. I actually have decided I feel that is a part of why he prefers J. Her income level is much closer to his and then her settlement with a paid for house sets them up really well financially. Hence he has no need to try to get the money out of PK.

OK...so feel bitter if it helps a bit but then what about setting some financial goals? Looking for a new job? Cutting some expenses? Getting some new training? I don't know what the right answer is for you but I'll bet you do!

I have set some financial goals in a way. The lights are not on all the time and the ones with the least number of lights in them are the ones I try to use the most often. I have to have more on because Breeze gets lost so easy than I would leave on for just me.

The heat is turned way down now and thinking I will use fans instead of A/C for some time after it gets warm.

I cancelled my March counseling and have no more appointments and am calling today to cancel my hair appt that I had scheduled for Saturday. Not sure where else I can cut expenses. I don’t have cable so the only thing would be phone service and I sure would miss my internet!!! So, not planning to do that unless things get even worse.

Are you open to working on forgiveness for you and for him knowing that it's not going to give you the black and white closure you are looking for?

I am not sure what you mean by working on the forgiveness for myself and him. Could you explain more?

Well...I was just throwing it out there...wondering if one of the reasons why you were feeling particularly stuck was because you haven't forgiven either one of you for the D and what led up to it. Sometimes I've found that when I'm stuck in anger at someone else, it's really partially about my feeling angry or guilty at myself (combined with being darned pi$$ed at them, too!). I wasn't stating with certainty that that's what's happening...just wondering is all.

Sage


I feel at this point I no longer am angry at myself. I know that I tried to the best of my ability to save our marriage and he wasn’t really interested in that but in being with J. I see that more clearly now than I did while I was in the middle of the situation. I regret that he seems to have had an inability to be honest with me but believe that ties into his conflict avoidance.

I guess if I had understood more I knew before we married that he wanted her. He told me when we were dating that there was someone he should have married. I didn't take enough heed of that statement. I also at the time did not know who he was referring too. At that time I wasn't aware that he had had an affair with J.

---

[psluke]

So, this is the post where I feel like you were doing great solving your own stuff!

Ok, more thinking. I think it is some pain left. Some anger left. Some total confusion of what was real in my marriage and someone close to just share with going through this difficult time right now.

OK...so can you think of things to do to alleviate this?

I think the only thing I can do here is keep processing the feelings, keep turning and examining and coming up with answers that I feel were what went on and hopefully eventually heal.

My life feels very disorganized at the moment and I feel swamped when even trying to think of getting it in order.

babysteps...what's one small thing you could do today to feel more organized?

I got my taxes done.

I think I need a plan of action to get me motivated and past the point I am stuck on at the moment!

Biggest thing is to remember one step at a time. Second biggest thing is if I get home and I don't have to go somewhere I become a lump for the most part and don't get anything done, besides bare minimum!

Allrighty! so, small steps to get you moving...what does that mean to you?

To me that means having 2 or 3 small things in mind before I ever get home that I want to accomplish that evening.

Hmmm...another thought. When I feel very free and rope dropped is when I feel best, but I don't stay there!

Right at the moment I am gripping the rope very tightly and I seem to do it when really stressed, even if the stress isn't related to the divorce!

What about a part time job, Pam? Maybe working with animals? Would get you out of the house and would bring in some extra $. I'm not talking about a jillion hours...but maybe just a few hours a week? Get out, meet some new people, get some new skills?

or what about volunteering at a vet or something?

Sage

I think a part time job right now would really add to my stress. I am running so much with the kids with their activities and to the vet that I feel tired a lot of the time right now. When tired I know I am more likely to get down. I really am enjoying all of the new people I am meeting with the dog activities, it is fun.

---

[psluke]

Cool. I was going to sleep in my van this weekend to help cut costs on my trip to the Sheltie Nationals.

A lady I just met this spring had said she had an extra room if I wanted it as rooms are scarce. I finally decided it would be best for Breeze if we stayed where she could get out and stretch her legs so e-mailed the lady I would like her extra room. Turns out her mom's plans got shuffled and her mom won't arrive till Sunday night and I head home Sunday so I get to share her room Saturday night. Helps with cost and spend more time hopefully building a new friendship.

So hope this trip goes well.

Today really feeling bad, don't want to get sick. Should know when I get down that I'm starting to physically feel ill. Seeems to be lots of bugs going around. Hope if I have one it is a quick one!

[psluke]

I think he is kind of capable of coexisting alongside someone else on a sunny day, but come the rain, the storm, the difficult times, anything deeper or more demanding than a picnic and he is suddenly not interested, he feels threatened by the "demands"...

Took this off of LnL's thread to remind me that this is VERY much D's approach to life and that isn't the way life tends to work.

Bottom line if I could only truly FEEL it, is I am better off without him in my life. Now, what makes the darn sadness go away?

[Livnlearn]

Hi Pam

I know that pain doesn't just go away, just like that. I was reading somewhere that emotional pain is felt as keenly by the body as physical pain - that is, emotional injury is felt by the body the same way (or at least, to the same extent) as physical injury. So in that sense, time does lessen the pain.

I think it has helped me enormously to understand the kind of person my H is, so that I was able to switch from wanting him back at almost any cost (and against all the evidence) to seeing that he can never really give me what I need, so what's the point?

I am not wasting any more time hoping for a better past...

Pam, enjoy the moment - every moment with your dogs at those shows and competitions and classes, and just keep doing what you love and you will meet other people to love and be close to.

I promise!

Livnlearn