Chapter 2: Healing, a long ways to go yet

[psluke]

Sometimes I think I have come a long ways and am better off and sometimes I still just miss having the D I married in my life and I go over the things we did that I thought 'we' enjoyed and realize him saying he lost himself in our marriage may mean he didn't enjoy any of the things we did but just did the not telling me stuff. I know that is black and white and probably the truth is somewhere in the middle. But I WANT some answers.

Can it be both? Can you have "come a long way" and still miss D? Can he have felt like he "lost himself" and still have enjoyed your M? You say you want answers...here's the best one I can give you...you're not going to get hard and fast answers about these things. I'm sorry...but that's the answer. it's good and bad, black mixed with white, progress and regress, highs and lows, ebbs and flows. It's who we ARE as humans, Pam....a mix of things.


Hi Sage,

Finally reading this some more and doing more thinking. I guess I don’t really like being this way. Unfortunately I have no idea how to change me. I know D said one time he wished he were like a computer with no emotions. I think I agree with him, but then there would be no joy either!

I wish I could feel sure D loved me. I think that is a big one that haunts me now, that he never really loved me at all.

Well, I suppose you could laundry list the loving times but will that help you now? today? or will it make it worse?

But would the loving times be the truth? He hid things so well. I think he knew all along he wanted J but didn’t want to tell me and he still acted loving towards me. Looking back all the things he told me he was going to do to work on himself and find himself when he moved out he did none of them. He was out of our home less than a week and at the club with J. I believe now he just strung me along.

I guess I'm not ready to apologize for hitting J's van. I have always struggled with fairness issues and I feel she didn't get what she deserved, she came out as always smelling like the rose. I KNOW how she came out doesn't really affect my life, the knowing and the feeling it are two different things that I can't seem to reconcile.

this is totally understandable...so it's not time yet. And yes, you are right that how she fared doesn't necessarily impact you but I'm sure that doesn't make it easier.

Do you believe in karma? Perhaps there's some solace in that.

No, her coming out so well doesn’t make it easier for me to deal with my loss.

I’m afraid I don’t believe in karma. I think some people are just born luckier than others

I feel bitterness over that, especially feel bitter that D doesn't even care about how B is doing and he knows that I have to be struggling financially as I did before he and I were married a bit. Plus he knows very well what my income is. I actually have decided I feel that is a part of why he prefers J. Her income level is much closer to his and then her settlement with a paid for house sets them up really well financially. Hence he has no need to try to get the money out of PK.

OK...so feel bitter if it helps a bit but then what about setting some financial goals? Looking for a new job? Cutting some expenses? Getting some new training? I don't know what the right answer is for you but I'll bet you do!

I have set some financial goals in a way. The lights are not on all the time and the ones with the least number of lights in them are the ones I try to use the most often. I have to have more on because Breeze gets lost so easy than I would leave on for just me.

The heat is turned way down now and thinking I will use fans instead of A/C for some time after it gets warm.

I cancelled my March counseling and have no more appointments and am calling today to cancel my hair appt that I had scheduled for Saturday. Not sure where else I can cut expenses. I don’t have cable so the only thing would be phone service and I sure would miss my internet!!! So, not planning to do that unless things get even worse.

Are you open to working on forgiveness for you and for him knowing that it's not going to give you the black and white closure you are looking for?

I am not sure what you mean by working on the forgiveness for myself and him. Could you explain more?

Well...I was just throwing it out there...wondering if one of the reasons why you were feeling particularly stuck was because you haven't forgiven either one of you for the D and what led up to it. Sometimes I've found that when I'm stuck in anger at someone else, it's really partially about my feeling angry or guilty at myself (combined with being darned pi$$ed at them, too!). I wasn't stating with certainty that that's what's happening...just wondering is all.

Sage


I feel at this point I no longer am angry at myself. I know that I tried to the best of my ability to save our marriage and he wasn’t really interested in that but in being with J. I see that more clearly now than I did while I was in the middle of the situation. I regret that he seems to have had an inability to be honest with me but believe that ties into his conflict avoidance.

I guess if I had understood more I knew before we married that he wanted her. He told me when we were dating that there was someone he should have married. I didn't take enough heed of that statement. I also at the time did not know who he was referring too. At that time I wasn't aware that he had had an affair with J.

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