Chapter 2: Healing, a long ways to go yet

[sage]

Sometimes I think I have come a long ways and am better off and sometimes I still just miss having the D I married in my life and I go over the things we did that I thought 'we' enjoyed and realize him saying he lost himself in our marriage may mean he didn't enjoy any of the things we did but just did the not telling me stuff. I know that is black and white and probably the truth is somewhere in the middle. But I WANT some answers.

Can it be both? Can you have "come a long way" and still miss D? Can he have felt like he "lost himself" and still have enjoyed your M? You say you want answers...here's the best one I can give you...you're not going to get hard and fast answers about these things. I'm sorry...but that's the answer. it's good and bad, black mixed with white, progress and regress, highs and lows, ebbs and flows. It's who we ARE as humans, Pam....a mix of things.

I wish I could feel sure D loved me. I think that is a big one that haunts me now, that he never really loved me at all.

Well, I suppose you could laundry list the loving times but will that help you now? today? or will it make it worse?

I guess I'm not ready to apologize for hitting J's van. I have always struggled with fairness issues and I feel she didn't get what she deserved, she came out as always smelling like the rose. I KNOW how she came out doesn't really affect my life, the knowing and the feeling it are two different things that I can't seem to reconcile.

this is totally understandable...so it's not time yet. And yes, you are right that how she fared doesn't necessarily impact you but I'm sure that doesn't make it easier.

Do you believe in karma? Perhaps there's some solace in that.

I feel bitterness over that, especially feel bitter that D doesn't even care about how B is doing and he knows that I have to be struggling financially as I did before he and I were married a bit. Plus he knows very well what my income is. I actually have decided I feel that is a part of why he prefers J. Her income level is much closer to his and then her settlement with a paid for house sets them up really well financially. Hence he has no need to try to get the money out of PK.

OK...so feel bitter if it helps a bit but then what about setting some financial goals? Looking for a new job? Cutting some expenses? Getting some new training? I don't know what the right answer is for you but I'll bet you do!

Are you open to working on forgiveness for you and for him knowing that it's not going to give you the black and white closure you are looking for?

I am not sure what you mean by working on the forgiveness for myself and him. Could you explain more?

Well...I was just throwing it out there...wondering if one of the reasons why you were feeling particularly stuck was because you haven't forgiven either one of you for the D and what led up to it. Sometimes I've found that when I'm stuck in anger at someone else, it's really partially about my feeling angry or guilty at myself (combined with being darned pi$$ed at them, too!). I wasn't stating with certainty that that's what's happening...just wondering is all.

Sage