Chapter 2: Healing, a long ways to go yet

[psluke]

Pam, I'm glad to hear that B is eating more!

Thank you Sage. I am very pleased about that stress being a bit less. Now to keep her eating without upsetting her tummy!

You know I just WISH I could get all that has happened and what REALLY happened straightened out in my head and then STOP thinking about it and trying to figure out did we ever have a real relationship? Was he doing the conflict avoiding and not telling me he was unhappy the whole time of the marriage?

---

May I play devil's advocate for a minute? What if any of your BB pals posted the above...what advice would you give them?

I would probably tell them to focus on their future because they can't change the past. The problem is I can say it, but I can't SEEM to do it!

Here's what I'm thinking you would say...while you may think there is some relief in looking backward, the real value of what you've gone through and how far you've come is in looking forward.

Sometimes I think I have come a long ways and am better off and sometimes I still just miss having the D I married in my life and I go over the things we did that I thought 'we' enjoyed and realize him saying he lost himself in our marriage may mean he didn't enjoy any of the things we did but just did the not telling me stuff. I know that is black and white and probably the truth is somewhere in the middle. But I WANT some answers.

We've talked before about how folks and life and the world is really shades of gray...not black and white. Did D love you? I am most sure that he did. Did he sometimes conflict avoid? No doubt. Does that erase what you DID have? No way.

I wish I could feel sure D loved me. I think that is a big one that haunts me now, that he never really loved me at all.

What would it take for you to move on from this point?

This I have went round and round in my head with and I don't know the answer.

Is this partly related to the bad feelings that are between you right now? Would it help you to apologize to D for your part in it (w/o expecting an apology in return)?

I guess I'm not ready to apologize for hitting J's van. I have always struggled with fairness issues and I feel she didn't get what she deserved, she came out as always smelling like the rose. I KNOW how she came out doesn't really affect my life, the knowing and the feeling it are two different things that I can't seem to reconcile.

I WANT her to suffer some for what she put G and I through! I also know that I am probably feeling extra bitter right now because of not being able to pay my monthly bills. I feel she carefully planned her divorce. At the time of her affair in GA she couldn't have made it in the style she was accoustomed on her own. But once their house was paid for and she had her new van she was in a financial position to go for the divorce. I didn't have that time to get any finances in order and starting up with the house and stuff plus all the kids vet bills has really put me in a hole and I feel bitterness over that, especially feel bitter that D doesn't even care about how B is doing and he knows that I have to be struggling financially as I did before he and I were married a bit. Plus he knows very well what my income is. I actually have decided I feel that is a part of why he prefers J. Her income level is much closer to his and then her settlement with a paid for house sets them up really well financially. Hence he has no need to try to get the money out of PK.

Are you open to working on forgiveness for you and for him knowing that it's not going to give you the black and white closure you are looking for?

Sage

I don't want to just sound bitter here, although I'm afraid it is rather what I am feeling. I hope I don't sound like I threw any of your post back. I found the logic rather helpful. I am actually just tired of struggling to force myself to get up in the mornings and get through the day. I think it HAS to be depression but it isn't something I can absolutely identify either.

I am not sure what you mean by working on the forgiveness for myself and him. Could you explain more?