Chapter 2: Healing, a long ways to go yet

[sage]

Ms. Pam,

Sounds like a down day. I'm sorry about that.

The others have hit on my suggestions...ADs, and exercise and eating right...and LnL points out sometimes this just happens!

I will ask this...it has seemed to me that oftentimes action knocks you out of a funk...are there some small things you could tackle that would give you a sense of fulfillment? Like making "that" phonecall (whatever it is) or setting up an appointment or whatever.

How about a brisk walk around the block and then tackling two items on the list?

Sage

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

Thank you.

Yes, I think this is a just happens. I am very worried about Breeze. She still doesn't want to eat which allows her to get weaker and that seems to me to be when she seizures.

Then the money thing is pretty stressful but I can only do what I can do there. We have cut back on all utility usage trying to get those bills lower. Trying to look at other areas as well. I suppose right now my biggest expense is vet bills and has been for some time.

Being down tends to lead my thinking back to D and the past 3 years of H*LL. At least that is what they feel like they were.

So many questions in a way and yet in a way not as he probably doesn't know the answers either. But, he had to have been lying to me a whole lot of the time that I was trusting him still. Was he consciously lying to me or just totally unsure so that was his non confrontational way of handling the situation?

Now I wonder did he love me when he married me or did he only marry me because he thought he had lost Janice and he didn't want to be alone? I hope he thought he loved me and didn't realize it was her he really wanted until he found out she was really leaving G this time unlike last time when she dumped D and stayed with G.

Just all the thoughts and so fuzzy and mixed up and down.

[psluke]

Amazing how my thoughts change with my moods.

I think yesterday I was feeling very helpless because of Breeze and not knowing or being able to help her and that rather led me into feeling the victim in more areas of my life!

I had a choice and I CHOSE to trust David and try to rebuild our marriage the same as he had choices and he chose not to try to rebuild our marriage. Much as I hate that I can sort of understand it. All those feelings for the new love in his life versus coming back and working our cr*p out. Plus he I think had strong feelings left from his previous affair with Janice so there was just more there to build on then with us for him.

Still hurts, I still miss the person I married. I don't miss the person he became in the end. But then I don't miss the person I became in the end either!!!!

B ate some last night late and a bit today. Tonight so far she isn't too interested in eating but the evening isn't over yet! I can be as stubborn as her I hope.

[psluke]

B did eat some last night and some this morning.


You know I just WISH I could get all that has happened and what REALLY happened straightened out in my head and then STOP thinking about it and trying to figure out did we ever have a real relationship? Was he doing the conflict avoiding and not telling me he was unhappy the whole time of the marriage?

I feel there is a huge gap in my life where I was living in a dream world that was all lies. It leaves a really icky feeling.

[sage]

Pam, I'm glad to hear that B is eating more!

You know I just WISH I could get all that has happened and what REALLY happened straightened out in my head and then STOP thinking about it and trying to figure out did we ever have a real relationship? Was he doing the conflict avoiding and not telling me he was unhappy the whole time of the marriage?

May I play devil's advocate for a minute? What if any of your BB pals posted the above...what advice would you give them?

Here's what I'm thinking you would say...while you may think there is some relief in looking backward, the real value of what you've gone through and how far you've come is in looking forward.

We've talked before about how folks and life and the world is really shades of gray...not black and white. Did D love you? I am most sure that he did. Did he sometimes conflict avoid? No doubt. Does that erase what you DID have? No way.

What would it take for you to move on from this point?

Is this partly related to the bad feelings that are between you right now? Would it help you to apologize to D for your part in it (w/o expecting an apology in return)?

Are you open to working on forgiveness for you and for him knowing that it's not going to give you the black and white closure you are looking for?

Sage

[psluke]

Pam, I'm glad to hear that B is eating more!

Thank you Sage. I am very pleased about that stress being a bit less. Now to keep her eating without upsetting her tummy!

You know I just WISH I could get all that has happened and what REALLY happened straightened out in my head and then STOP thinking about it and trying to figure out did we ever have a real relationship? Was he doing the conflict avoiding and not telling me he was unhappy the whole time of the marriage?

---

May I play devil's advocate for a minute? What if any of your BB pals posted the above...what advice would you give them?

I would probably tell them to focus on their future because they can't change the past. The problem is I can say it, but I can't SEEM to do it!

Here's what I'm thinking you would say...while you may think there is some relief in looking backward, the real value of what you've gone through and how far you've come is in looking forward.

Sometimes I think I have come a long ways and am better off and sometimes I still just miss having the D I married in my life and I go over the things we did that I thought 'we' enjoyed and realize him saying he lost himself in our marriage may mean he didn't enjoy any of the things we did but just did the not telling me stuff. I know that is black and white and probably the truth is somewhere in the middle. But I WANT some answers.

We've talked before about how folks and life and the world is really shades of gray...not black and white. Did D love you? I am most sure that he did. Did he sometimes conflict avoid? No doubt. Does that erase what you DID have? No way.

I wish I could feel sure D loved me. I think that is a big one that haunts me now, that he never really loved me at all.

What would it take for you to move on from this point?

This I have went round and round in my head with and I don't know the answer.

Is this partly related to the bad feelings that are between you right now? Would it help you to apologize to D for your part in it (w/o expecting an apology in return)?

I guess I'm not ready to apologize for hitting J's van. I have always struggled with fairness issues and I feel she didn't get what she deserved, she came out as always smelling like the rose. I KNOW how she came out doesn't really affect my life, the knowing and the feeling it are two different things that I can't seem to reconcile.

I WANT her to suffer some for what she put G and I through! I also know that I am probably feeling extra bitter right now because of not being able to pay my monthly bills. I feel she carefully planned her divorce. At the time of her affair in GA she couldn't have made it in the style she was accoustomed on her own. But once their house was paid for and she had her new van she was in a financial position to go for the divorce. I didn't have that time to get any finances in order and starting up with the house and stuff plus all the kids vet bills has really put me in a hole and I feel bitterness over that, especially feel bitter that D doesn't even care about how B is doing and he knows that I have to be struggling financially as I did before he and I were married a bit. Plus he knows very well what my income is. I actually have decided I feel that is a part of why he prefers J. Her income level is much closer to his and then her settlement with a paid for house sets them up really well financially. Hence he has no need to try to get the money out of PK.

Are you open to working on forgiveness for you and for him knowing that it's not going to give you the black and white closure you are looking for?

Sage

I don't want to just sound bitter here, although I'm afraid it is rather what I am feeling. I hope I don't sound like I threw any of your post back. I found the logic rather helpful. I am actually just tired of struggling to force myself to get up in the mornings and get through the day. I think it HAS to be depression but it isn't something I can absolutely identify either.

I am not sure what you mean by working on the forgiveness for myself and him. Could you explain more?

[psluke]

I sort of think that sounds like having a temper tantrum. But, if I poke it I think it is still a lot of PAIN that has STILL not been processed.

[psluke]

Ok, more thinking. I think it is some pain left. Some anger left. Some total confusion of what was real in my marriage and someone close to just share with going through this difficult time right now.

My life feels very disorganized at the moment and I feel swamped when even trying to think of getting it in order.

Best guess that is part of the reason that I am depressed and just barely functional at the moment.

I am not even going to paid for dog classes right now. Of course none of them are close and I don't have the gas in the car to make the trip.

I think I need a plan of action to get me motivated and past the point I am stuck on at the moment!

Biggest thing is to remember one step at a time. Second biggest thing is if I get home and I don't have to go somewhere I become a lump for the most part and don't get anything done, besides bare minimum!

Hmmm...another thought. When I feel very free and rope dropped is when I feel best, but I don't stay there!

Right at the moment I am gripping the rope very tightly and I seem to do it when really stressed, even if the stress isn't related to the divorce!

[psluke]

You know going through these spells sucks but I believe this is how I am processing some of the mess. For some silly reason I seem to have to dig through the muck and really get down to then find some answers and come back up again.

WISH there was an easier way!

[sage]

Pam, I gotta run from work but wanted to let you know that I think you're doing some good stuff here...I'll be back tomorrow with all kinds of thoughts

Sage