When I read my goals for this new year I find that some of them I have definitely made progress on. The kids and I have been running like crazy. I also am not sure that isn't to avoid finishing the processing in my mind of all that has happened.
This is the first weekend I haven't had something going on dog related at least one day of the weekend since about the second weekend in January.
I have found myself still mulling over trying to figure out what it is that still saddens me. I am not really sure it is the ending of our marriage. What we had at the end wasn't anything I would want back. The best I can come up with is I still miss that close companionship, emotional and physical intimacy that we shared before everything went into the basement.
In July I will have been divorced a year. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I am even divorced and sometimes it doesn't seem as if I was ever married to D, that he was ever an actual person that ever existed in my life.
I do think knowing that someone I still have some wonderful memories of hates me now bothers me. It bothers me to have anyone upset with me let alone someone that I have valued their friendship very highly.
I try to look at it now as the person I valued and loved is dead. This person that I still have to finish some business with is a stranger who wishes harm to the shelties and I. Clearly stated about me, and by association if harm came to me it would harm the shelties lives.
I am sure dealing with him and the dog show next weekend being a two year anniversary of the announcement by J of my divorce is causing some of the reflectings and sorrow that I am experiencing.
I am not sure I am going to try going to that show this year. I believe I will more than likely start back into the dog show world in an easier way and hope that both Frostbyte and I will be ready for this show next year.
I know if I go back my C will be disappointed with that decision. Right now I am behind on utility bills so no C sessions, plus I was not too happy with my last session. I do think if I go back I need to have it planned in my head so I don't just sit and talk. Questions I have that I would like input on and some sort of direction to go to help with the processing of these feelings I still have that crop up from time to time.
I was thinking a year and a half after my first divorce I was married again. That doesn't seem like near enough time to have processed feelings and emotions. I don't believe it was, not for me. I realize different people process at different speeds. I think G has processed most of his divorce feelings, D is moving on nicely with his new relationship and life, a person I had posted to in Newcomers whose divorce isn't even filed for yet already has a new house, new car, and a girlfriend. I could not begin to deal with all of that in my emotional state of still processing the loss I feel in my life.
I think having another person in my life masked the pain and delayed the processing of feelings from the first divorce. Even though I never intend to have a relationship again I want to thoroughly process the feelings from the divorce, keep the good memories and move forward enjoying the rest of my life, which for me will be very different. I certainly never expected to end up alone but the way I try to look at my life now is to savor each experience to the fullest, you never know how long it will last or when things will change.
I have beautiful memories of my time with D and I would not give them up even if it would take away the pain the ending has brought me.
Rather better to have had those times than never to have had them at all!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
As you may have seen I am back on the boards again, but I am in a different place emotionally than where I was 4 or 5 months ago.
I have to say that you sound good. There is a tinge of sadness for what could have been, but isn't, but on the whole you sound like you have a very healthy self awareness.
I read somewhere that second marriages that start w/in 3 years of the first marriage ending are even more likely than usual to end in divorce. We do not like to think of oursleves as statistics, but I know how hard it is to keep any marriage alive.
Although I have not filed for a D, I too miss the companionship of a spouse. Even though I have great friends it is still hard not to have a spouse to share the journey with, but like you said, I wouldn't want him now in his present incarnation anyway.
Sometimes I am good and sometimes I'm not. But I am working to give myself slack that I am healing and my pace can't be measured against anyone else's, because we each deal with things in our own way.
I am making new aquatainces that seem to be on their way to becoming good friendships but it isn't the same as having the companionship of a spouse to share with is it? I don't think there is a way to fill that hole, you just have to adjust to it being there and focus on what is in your life.
At least if there is another way to fill it I haven't found it yet.
What a crazy world at times isn't it?
In two weeks I am going to a farm north east of Indianapolis, where I will know no one and no one is going with me! That is not the old me. I would never dreamed of doing anything like this in the past. It is for a herding seminar and I am actually looking forward to it!
If there are no problems having the day off I will go up early Friday and spend the night at the farmhouse as some of the other people are doing. The seminar starts at 8 am and not sure I would want to make that early of a trip on Saturday morning.
I do need to figure out a dish to take for a pitch in dinner at the farmhouse that night and what to pack for breakfast and lunch the following day as no food is available and I have no idea how close to town this place is located. If I could remember the name I would ask you if you know where it is at!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
If it is feasible maybe we could meet for dinner Saturday night before I head home.
Williamsport, IN
from Indy, Take I-74 West to Hwy 41Attica exit, Take 41 north to Attica 41 merges with US. 28 and US. 55. You will go over the Wabash River then turn right onto Hwy. 55, Take Hwy. 55 to CR 250. There is a golf course on the corner.
Turn left on to CR 250, go to CR 225 and turn right, go to CR 300 and turn left go to Watson Hill Rd and turn left, go just over a mile, the farm will be on the right.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I loooked up Williamsport on the map and it is a little bitty town (30 miles-ish) west of West Lafayette.
West Lafayette is about an hour and a half away from me.
Are you talking about the Saturday right before Easter? If so I am still trying to work out the details of Easter weekend (as far as the kid sitch) with my H. He has given up on God, doesn't go to church any more etc, but just to spite me he wants to have the kids that day.
We had a really bad scene here on Christmas Eve this year, his mom eactually called me and told me to take the kids and get out of the house before he showed up, telling me that he was on a rampage. I did just that and we ended up not seeing him that day, but he hasn't forgiven me for doing that (doesn't know that his mom warned me). So I think that he wants them that day just as a payback.
Anyway, if it is the Sat before Easter that we are talking about I do not know if I can make it work. But don't count me out yet.
I am jealous of the db-ers that live in close enough proximity to get together.
D is being a jerk also but at least I don't have the kids and that being their father acting that way.
The seminar is March 26th. I am hoping to go up on the 25th if I can get the day off from work.
I can't beleive it is snowing here again, I am soooo ready for spring!
My 16 year old has had a couple of seizures now and I'm not sure whether to take her with me or see if my vet will keep her over Friday, Saturday for me.
The puppy is growing like a weed and I love her! She was a good decision. She likes to sleep on my pillow curled up touching the top of my head. If I move during the night she moves so she is touching me. Funny how nice it feels to have that little warm, loving furry body next to me.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hi Pam - Just been catching up on your weekend musings
Quote: When I read my goals for this new year I find that some of them I have definitely made progress on.
Isn't this a grand way to start a new thread? I know we all get sad and upset sometimes, and its so nice to have this place to vent - but, making progress is such a cause for celebration. I know I have been guilty in the past of only seeing the empty part of the half full glass, and keep having to remind myself that I will focus on the part that is full.
