Chapter 2: Healing, a long ways to go yet

[psluke]

When I read my goals for this new year I find that some of them I have definitely made progress on. The kids and I have been running like crazy. I also am not sure that isn't to avoid finishing the processing in my mind of all that has happened.

This is the first weekend I haven't had something going on dog related at least one day of the weekend since about the second weekend in January.

I have found myself still mulling over trying to figure out what it is that still saddens me. I am not really sure it is the ending of our marriage. What we had at the end wasn't anything I would want back. The best I can come up with is I still miss that close companionship, emotional and physical intimacy that we shared before everything went into the basement.

In July I will have been divorced a year. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I am even divorced and sometimes it doesn't seem as if I was ever married to D, that he was ever an actual person that ever existed in my life.

I do think knowing that someone I still have some wonderful memories of hates me now bothers me. It bothers me to have anyone upset with me let alone someone that I have valued their friendship very highly.

I try to look at it now as the person I valued and loved is dead. This person that I still have to finish some business with is a stranger who wishes harm to the shelties and I. Clearly stated about me, and by association if harm came to me it would harm the shelties lives.

I am sure dealing with him and the dog show next weekend being a two year anniversary of the announcement by J of my divorce is causing some of the reflectings and sorrow that I am experiencing.

I am not sure I am going to try going to that show this year. I believe I will more than likely start back into the dog show world in an easier way and hope that both Frostbyte and I will be ready for this show next year.

I know if I go back my C will be disappointed with that decision. Right now I am behind on utility bills so no C sessions, plus I was not too happy with my last session. I do think if I go back I need to have it planned in my head so I don't just sit and talk. Questions I have that I would like input on and some sort of direction to go to help with the processing of these feelings I still have that crop up from time to time.

I was thinking a year and a half after my first divorce I was married again. That doesn't seem like near enough time to have processed feelings and emotions. I don't believe it was, not for me. I realize different people process at different speeds. I think G has processed most of his divorce feelings, D is moving on nicely with his new relationship and life, a person I had posted to in Newcomers whose divorce isn't even filed for yet already has a new house, new car, and a girlfriend. I could not begin to deal with all of that in my emotional state of still processing the loss I feel in my life.

I think having another person in my life masked the pain and delayed the processing of feelings from the first divorce. Even though I never intend to have a relationship again I want to thoroughly process the feelings from the divorce, keep the good memories and move forward enjoying the rest of my life, which for me will be very different. I certainly never expected to end up alone but the way I try to look at my life now is to savor each experience to the fullest, you never know how long it will last or when things will change.

I have beautiful memories of my time with D and I would not give them up even if it would take away the pain the ending has brought me.

Rather better to have had those times than never to have had them at all!