Thanks for the advice and the prayers. I need both.
That weird thing is that he is acting normal at home, laughing, joking, teasing me. I plan to continue to DB but I can't continue the way things are, not with summer looming ahead.
I can handle the talking to ow but can't go back to the sneaking off to see her. I can't deal with a PA again. Some people can, some people can't. I know my limits and this is one of them. Right now H goes to work comes home at a decent hour, he doesn't run to many errands. I am pretty certain it is just an EA and nothing else at this point. I won't have that assurance during the summer. When he is gone for a few hours and I know he will (I can't expect him not to), I will always wonder if he is starting to see her again because he won't be seeing her at work. I can't live that way.
So you are right, I had to do this for me.
I like your thought of this being a 180. It really would be a 180 for me, his mother and a good friend think he pretty much make the decisions in the house. I guess to some extent they are right. So me putting my foot down and saying make a choice is definately not more of the same.
Since getting over my initial hurt, I have been lovingly distant. Today has been much better. I feel okay. I know that may change but I know no matter what I will be okay.
Unsure, thanks. I will definately leave the door open.
I don't know if I can watch his actions. His actions at home would have indicated that he was lessening contact with ow. He didn't appear restless at home. He barely went out to run errands. I was leaving the house a lot more and I think he used that time to talk to her. So my GAL gave him the opportunity he wanted without having to sneak around. He also calls her from work and going to and from work.
The part about him liking kids was young kids. He teaches 7th graders. He likes that age group. He can joke and be goofy and they think it is great. He would not fair well teaching elementary. He doesn't have the patience.
Sherryl... I think that it is good that he knows that you are serious....although it might hurt. I totally feel where you are coming from when you talk about giving him free access to talk to the OW when you wernt around. We try and do better for ourselves but at the same time we make it easier for them. We dont want them to think that we are sad all of the time and staying home to sulk...but we want them to know that we are happy and have a life too! I will never understand how a person can have an affair....I understand being unhappy...but a marriage is not a consant happiness,,,it is something that needs to be worked on daily. We should have to worry about our Spouse running out and trying to find happiness is someone else. It isnt fair that they have the mentality that helps them believe that a new intrest outways a marriage....Hang in there! Sorry if I am babbling....but I know how you are feeling!
And now my H gets home late doesn't sleep where he said he was going to! We had agreed at the MC that he would sleep in the spare bedroom upstairs. Well lo and behold I went outside to smoke and when I came in, OUR bedroom door was closed indicating that was where he was! WTF? So do I just crawl in next to him and pretend that whole conversation about him sleeping elsewhere happened? crap. Or do I go make the bed upstairs and sleep there? That would upset him I'm sure. I'm just not ready for my D's to be involved with this at all. Their rooms are upstairs too. The master is down. In a way, I'm looking at this as he really didn't want to sleep elsewhere for reasons other than he was just too lazy to walk up there. The bed is alreay made for goodness sakes. Oh hell, I'm going to bed in MY bed, with or without him there. Ambien...here I come.
I am trying to figure out to handle this. I am certain when I ask he will say "I don't know". I have heard that for 4 months now. I can't make him leave and I can't move right now. Soooo.....what do I do? I want him to know I am serious.
He has acted normal the last 2 nights. He has helped me in the mornings by loading the van, teased me the last two nights. I think he is in denial and hoping I will let it slide again.
Well I am meeting a friend tonight and am not telling H. See what he says about that. When I packed some jeans he questioned what I was doing after work. Why does he care???
I can't make him leave and I can't move right now. Soooo.....what do I do? I want him to know I am serious.
So he might stall and wait for you to back down. And if you back down, he'll always have it over you, never believing any threat... until you actually act on it.
How about putting a "for sale" sign on the front lawn? How about if I call and when H answers, I ask how much you're asking for the house?
Maybe the thing to do is to act as if you're taking his indecision as an answer, the answer being "I can't say 'yes'" and start acting as what a spouse would say and do if they were given that answer. What would you be doing if he said "Then I can't say yes to you so I'm going to leave"? What would H be hearing and seeing from you?
Are you through with him? Can you declare that he needs to be out by a certain date? Are you prepared to go to a divorce attorney in order to obtain perhaps a legal separation to get him out, or a divorce proceeding?
Well I am meeting a friend tonight and am not telling H. See what he says about that. When I packed some jeans he questioned what I was doing after work. Why does he care???
WASs do things like that, don't they. Hey, Sherry, don't forget to dab on some perfume before going out with your "friend".
Quote: Well I am meeting a friend tonight and am not telling H. See what he says about that. When I packed some jeans he questioned what I was doing after work. Why does he care???
Sherry - I think this is excellent. Here's a gameplan for you to consider: Imagine, if you will, if you began acting as if you are getting on with your life. In fact, acting as if you are the one having the MLC! Start calling him from work, saying you won't be home until after dinner - then waltz in at 9 or 10 (or later!), dressed as if for a date, and be vague about being out with "a friend". Tell him you are going away for the weekend "by yourself" to "think things over" (might as well borrow some lines from the WAS handbook, eh? ).
Note - I am NOT suggesting you date or have an affair - just let H start to wonder what you MIGHT be up to.
Sometimes once the pressure is off and they sense you might leave before they make a decision, their decision making process suddenly becomes much clearer!
If he were to tell you today that he wanted to work on the m what would you do? Stay where you are and stay at the school you are teaching at? You still need to continue to GAL regardless of what he is doing but it will make you feel better about you.
If he were to tell you today that he was leaving then what? Would you put the house on the market, start applying for other jobs, and continue to GAL? Call some real estate agents, set some appointments to see if you can find one you like, how much you can get for the house, etc. etc. Start applying for your transfers...you don't have to make any decisions yet right? How much time do you have...make a plan.
Actually NY, that is just what I told H---I would move forward like we are going are separate ways since he couldn't give me an answer.
I have looked at apartments on line in the area I would possibly move to. I am in the process of contacting my old principal to see if he has any openings for the next year. So, I guess I am moving forward as if he has said he is leaving.
Funny thing is I haven't been sad or that upset the last 2 days. Maybe reality hasn't set in.
Unsure, that is one of the problems, my window of time isn't very big right now. If I move, I need to start applying right now, putting the house up for sale and so on.
If I stay in this area (not with H) there isn't such a huge rush except to get H out of the house.
I am also considering the kids and what would be best for them, too (moving or staying with/out H).
Ellie, thanks for stopping by. I like your suggestion. The only problem is tonight I had the kids so H knows he doesn't have too much to worry about. But... weekends would be great and spring break is next week. Will have to see what I can do.
Once again, everyone here is such a great support. Thanks, Sherry
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