Someone earlier said I did this out of fear. I really don't think fear was the factor.
I don't know if you're referring to what I wrote, but if you are, that's not what I wrote. So, just in case you are referencing my post, let me explain. I wrote that the motivation for someone to act on an ultimatum - not give an ultimatum - is fear. In other words, you gave an ultimatum to your H. The only way it has a chance of his decision coming down in your favor, is that he's fearful of losing your relationship, losing you. I wrote that such fear makes a lousy reason to love someone, because basically they're being with someone out of fear of losing them. That's not a great basis for loving, and sooner or later, that could wear thin and you find yourself in the same mess again.
That's why ultimatums should only be used as a absolute last resort, and really, if there is so much abuse that one's foot has to come down.
you are better than this knucklehead
Dodger, I'm not picking on you by writing this, so let me throw a question. If we're calling our WASs derogatory names, then why, for Pete's sake, are we saying we love them and trying to get them back?
Yeah, I know what you mean. I wonder if he does decide to leave if I will be able to take him back if he goes and tries to make a go of it with ow. I am not sure I will be able to do that. I think that is part of the reason I have been doing this for soooo long. I have even told him that.
Unfortunately our spouses are acting in ways that are not very pleasant. We are putting up with a lot and keeping alot inside as we try to rebuild our M. What we are seeing is not what we fell in love with. I think the names are just frustration and venting because we can't do it to them. So we come here. We all love our spouses or would not be doing this. You don't see a lot of name calling here which is good. But I think every once in a while, it helps. Just my thoughts.
Sorry NY, I did not understand your response about fear. Thanks for clearing it up.
I hear you. I didn't say he was a horrible or mean person, but I think he does qualify as a knuclehead. He can't make up his mind yet he doesn't want to do anything constructive to help him make up his mind such as counseling, or stay w/Sherry and cut off OW. Heck, even stay w/OW and cut off Sherry, make a decision for crying out loud.
Man, I can be a knucklehead at times and I'm sure that other folks think that too. Again, I didn't look at it as all that derogatory. If anyone out on the BB was offended, I apologize...
Hey guys, I understand frustration and venting. And I've called my wife worse. I'm trying to be your cheerleader here! Let me put it this way. If we name call, it's because of anger. Frustration is related to anger. If we name call, we are giving in to a mind set that is not aligned with our purpose. Gotta get back on track, rah! rah!
Yes, they're acting whatever, they're being selfish, and on, and on... Well, you know what? That's what a WAS does. Are you going to expect a WAS to act like anything else? Do you expect a shark not to act like a shark?
So, given that WASs will be WASs, WE, the LBS, have the onus of sucking it up, and doing what we need to do vis a vis DBing, and we have to love our WASs 100%. 100%, folks!!! If you give in to frustration, then get yourself out of it just as fast, because that's less than 100% loving. It does taint our efforts, don't think it doesn't.
Doesn't mean we have to be superhuman and can't have moments when we're less than loving. Let's just not excuse the behavior. Just like we don't excuse the WAS's behavior. Let's call it for what it is, anger/negativity, and move on.
dodger, I wasn't offended by your comment. I just used it to bring up a point.
Sherry wants her husband back. She doesn't love a knucklehead. He's got a problem, he's a WAS, what can I say? If we were in his shoes, we'd probably be just as conflicted and confused and indecisive as he.
What you did was for you. After all that you have been through, it doesn't surprise me. At this point my suggestion is to stick with your guns. There are still plenty of opportunities to DB. Look at what you did as an "action" to move your sitch to a different stage. It may not be the stage you desire but hopefully it will get an intolerable situation off of dead center. Your H is comfortable living his double life. You now threaten to take that away (or more accurately his behavior). In a way, look at it as a big 180. Definately not "more of the same" if he see's you are serious.
You can still be lovingly distant. Just make sure he has the "good memories" of Sherry to live with if he doesn't come to his senses. If it comes down to a separation, I think it is better to leave on a loving note, than to stay until you are totally miserable and make the situation miserable.
I know you are struggling right now, the only thing I can say is DO NOT mention it to him again,. DO NOT ask him if he has made a decision. Do what you need to do for you, and continue to GAL. If you feel that you need him to tell you what he is doing than that is what you wait for, if you feel his actions will be enough than go with that. But if his actions are still sending missed messages (ie 4000 minutes to ow but agreeing to go to dinner with you and friends) than move on. If it does come down to separation make sure you keep the door open if that is what you want. Keep DBing, remember it's about YOU!
One question, how can he not be a kid person if he is a teacher????
