The cell phone bill came in. 4000 minutes on his phone. The minutes have gone up each month. He says he is not seeing her at all. So what??? I don't care at this point.
So I left the house and cried my eyes out.
I came to a conclusion. I can't do this during the summer. We are both teachers. It would be like one endless weekend for a 2 1/2 months. Weekends are hard. Work distracts me. I know I cannot survive the summer without worrying about it. He won't being seeing ow because they won't be at work. I can live with the calling but not the sneaking off to see her.
So.... I did it. I called H after my cry and we talked for a long time. I told him he had to choose. I know, I know. I can't take it back and I am not sure I want to. I told him my apprehension about the summer. I told him again that if he can't end it, then I need to move on and I have some decisions to make. Those decisions have to be made now. If I move I have to start filling out applications now. I can't wait. Of course I did not get an answer, which is normal. I left the convo last night with, since you won't answer, then I will act like we are over and start making plans. If you want me to stop then you need to tell me.
I went out on the couch to cry again. He came out, put his hand out and said will you come with me. I went. He took me and laid down, holding me very lightly. We fell asleep.
This morning I asked him not to call ow, to make this decision on his own. He said she wouldn't influence him. Yeah, right. He did agree though. I called him on his way to work and told him to call her if he wanted, it didn't matter. The weird thing is he asked me to hold and he put his headset on (he has that because he can't talk to ow and drive his standard car). He has never put the headset on for me. I always get, gotta go, I gotta shift. So we had another convo while he drove to work. Mostly me talking. But he didn't cut it off like he normally does. He wanted to know what I tought about him holding me last night. I just said I honestly don't know. He wouldn't elaborate either. He mentioned (more than once) my wedding rings which I have not been wearing, ( I took them off on Saturday--I have been wearing them on and off for a while--they are very loose). They sit on my counter in our bedroom. I mean you have to look to notice them there. I asked why he was concerned about that. He of course would not answer.
I stayed home from work today. Wasn't sure if I would hold it together at school. H actually called me at lunch to check on me.
Right now I just don't know. I know the summer will drive me crazy. I know this is not what we are supposed to do. But I know I can't do this in the summer.
I am prepared to move on without him. That is what I am expecting right now, for him to choose her. He has said he needs to crash and burn before he can end it with her, well he can go crash.
