Hello everyone. I'm returning to the BB after a long absence. My user name was Mfl but I've reregistered cos I forgot my password. Some names still around I recognise, lots of new ones but still the same caring, kindness and humour that saved my sanity and my life many times over.

This isn't the right forum for me as I'm not actually divorced yet but feel that I might as well be. And I don't seem to fit in anywhere else either. Maybe I'll move my thread after I've settled in - if anyoone has suggestions of a good camping spot please feel free.

Me 35
H 36
Son 3 (almost)
Together 11 years
Married 3 years (5 1/2 inclusing separation)
Separated 2 1/2 years

Very brief version:
H had an affair when I was pregnant. I found out when our son was 4 months old. The affair was ongoing. He said he would end it and stay and we would try to get past it. He lied, I knew, H moved out six weeks later saying he needed time and space to think. H said he was not seeing OW. I found out he was.

After a couple of months it looked like he was going to come back home, he had ended it with OW and spent Chrismas and New Year with us. Then changed his mind and ran back to OW. Over the next two years it has been on and off with OW. H has stayed very close with me lots of phone calls and visits, we've been away for several weekends, celebrated all birthdays together etc. H as always said he doesn't want a D, if we ever did talk about it he says it isn't what he wants. H has been very very depressed a lot of this time. His reputation at work has suffered as he has been unable to put as much effort in (he has a very stressfull job anyway).

After initially trying to change his mind and convince him we could make our marriage work I stopped trying. I remained his friend an have been there for him (quite literally at 4am when he called me in danger of seriously harming himself). I haven't mentioned the OW or our relationship. I've got on with my life. Over the last 3 months I saw a big change in H. He was still down but better than before. He seemed to be opening up a bit. He began calling me every evening and coming over to visit more often than before. He was paying me compliments on the way I looked. He asked me if our son and I wanted to go on holiday with him. Of course I said yes.

Then here comes the blow and the reason I'm back here:

About 4 weeks ago he called me one night in tears and said that we need to split up our bank accounts then ended the conversation. When I saw him next I told him I'd started looking at our finances and he said he didn't mean what he said. I told him I'd give him the info anyway. Then I got sick. Four days ago he called me and told me if I hadn't bothered to do it he'd do it himself. The next day he told my mother that he is moving in with the OW and that he wants a D. My mother told him to tell me that himself. She did however tell me what he had said. When H came to see our son he told me that he was still seeing OW and he wanted me to know because he knew he had given the impression he wasn't. I asked him why he was telling me that now when I'd never really known over the last two years. He said he thought things needed to move on. I said ok, how would you like things to change. He said he didn't know. I asked if he meant he wanted a D. He said he supposed so. I told him if he filed I wouln't contest it (in the UK he can't divorce me without my agreement for 5 years after leaving) and asked if that was all he wanted to tell me. He said it was. ?? Then he stayed until late in the evening crying and telling me that he didn't go looking for all this and that he didn't want me to not be in his life. ?? He was in a right state when he left and said he would call me. I haven't heard from him since except a text the same night saying he got home ok (something we always do).

I don't even really know why I'm here. On the one hand it's just like more of his dramatics. On the other hand why should I care as I've been just getting on with my life. I thought I didn't really care anymore although I still love him. But now I feel like I've just lost him all over again. I'm in such a state I've had to send my S3 to his grandpa for the weekend.