Hi How do I deal with H when we've been separated for 5 months and tonight he asked to spend the night. Two weeks ago H was cold and uncaring. I don't get it. I'm not sure how to rebuild trust with H (affair...and other issues.) I did a few 180's and boy did he complain about changes. Is this what I'm trying for? He'd move back in today but there would be the same issues...I'm lost.
I found on page 114 DB : "The disadvantage of blaming someone else for causing the difficulty is that the solution is out of your control." I'm thinking that I have to change how I think and stop blaming. Any ideas on how to build trust? Anything that worked for you as you rebuild? I do have some general small goals: 1. Spend time together on Sunday 2. Talk 3 times a week on phone 3. Try to build H up by positive statements about good things he has done recently...ie sent money to our college kid (very good thing he did, no matter the amount just that he did it) 4. Find the positives about being together.
Hi midwest - These sound like perfectly natural concerns. The big question is what do you want? Whether or not you want a relationship with him will determine the rest of your choices.
Trust is a big one, and many of us continue to struggle with it. For me, I've found that not making trust a specific goal has helped. It's slowly coming back, time and consistency from NG is definitely helping us move in the right direction.
Thanks for the post. I am just getting into DR (had DB) and it is so much clearer to me. You are right, my issue is what am I gonna do and will I continue this R........ I am commiting to our M but not the style we had before since it wasn't good for either of us. So, building trust can be a back burner issue. Now, I have to think about what I want in the M. 1. Friendship which would be spending time together and liking the time spent not enduring 2. Honest and openess in all areas. Only I'm not sure how to make that concrete goal. Maybe...
But, those are two big ones for me.
I went to your thread and it really was helpful, I'm needing to print out part of it and think about some of the Q&A's that run through it. They are right on where I'm at. Thanks
Quote: 1. Friendship which would be spending time together and liking the time spent not enduring
In day to day life, what would this look like? Some of the cycles I went through included these types of questions, which believe it or not, prior to dbing, I'd never considered
? What does NG do that I like? ? Does he know that I like/enjoy these things? ? What do I do that NG likes? ? How do I know this? assumption, he has told me, his eyes light up... ? How can we do more of the stuff we enjoy, and less of the stuff we dislike?
Sounds basic, but building small goals around these boosted the ole PMA - the positive interactions just snowballed.
And yes, journaling here sorted out the important stuff from the 'noise'. It was like everyone reading was helping me stay honest!
Thanks for your help. I need to decide what my story is going to be. I'm writing it even now. I admire strong women like Mother Theresa. Her story still speaks. While I work on DR, I need to be thinking about my story. What I want it to say. Your post stimulated alot of thot...you looking into NG and seeing things that needed to be there. Your story.
Hi Why does my H turn into the biggest jerk in restaurants or other public places????? H has excellant social skills. I cannot explain how gross and offensive he becomes (a tiny example is over dinner explaining how to hunt and how mangled the thing shot can get). This from the man who claims our R is worth working on. Am I being conned? H says I am important yet actions say I am less than nothing. How can one have quality family time when there is no family, just fragments. Holidays are hard
I will find one positive thing in my day tomorrow. I will enjoy that positive thing.
Hi midwest - I'm sorry your dinner date with H was less than perfect. How did the conversation take such a turn? It may be that he is not aware that the subject is offensive to you?
I'm looking forward to hearing about your positive Sunday Slowly
Thanks for posting Slowly, Today I worked on "make a good day". Fixed traditional Sunday dinner, even used fancy china. It smelled delicious. So, that was a good start on the day. Conversation was actually interesting and informative.
H slept after lunch. He offered to drive us to mall and waited patiently for DD and I. Those are very positive things in my day. H then went home and I was thankful for that as well.
I'm not sure we actually had a conversation. He kissed me at some point in the day. He does that if our kids are around.
Why am I so dissapointed then? What am I wanting to see? I am keeping current on your thread and realize you are ahead of me on the path here. I'm still very skitish with the thot it is gonna be ok. Gut feeling is not believing he is real. So even with a pretty positve day, the shadow of doubt is haunting me.
Goal for the week:
Take the two mile walk each day, if not outside then on the dreaded treadmill.
Only visit mall on Wed as already planned with DD
I will not call H
I will do solution journal each night, this week has potential to skyrocket in stress and I can be prepared.(extra families coming-9 more)
I will not give up on the POJA--it can be on hold.
I've been more positive. Meeting goals is more difficult with D17 having shopping fever, I used it as a walking event and that worked ok.
Last conversation with H was monotone but I did end call first (ok so I called him and blew that goal too)
Family starts arriving over next 3 days. How do I DR and not cave in to the typical routine of I do all the prep work and don't enjoy the time with family. Can I 180 this do you think? homemade yeast rolls from scratch--use store ones crock pot meals instead of multiple dishes or even
bake brownies and cookies tonight and forget fancier ones
goal: to focus on family time frozen entress
THE REAL ISSUE TODAY Last year OW made her move on my H during this week, H felt sorry for her and had invited her to our Easter family dinner. Everyone left very early...she drove em nuts. (I did tell H this hurt me, H didn't care) A escalted after this. How do I DB/DR this? I'm pretty sad right now. Just want to be ugly and angry at H for the memory. Wrong
Slowly