HP, I would like to say that simple straight forward honesty would have worked, but I wasn't getting that. W admitted to "keeping it all in" about many things, for much of our relationship.
I think that she feared telling me about her probs with our R from an early point because I am a sensitive person. It's not that I would break down and cry if she was mad that I didn't do the dishes. But she came from a large Italian family, and I came from a 2 kid family of quiet speakers. We have different communication styles, so when I saw her as confrontational and angry, that was really the only way she could get her point across in her family sitch. I would withdraw a bit as she came on with the loud voice and waving hands.
That is one theory of why she couldn't tell me things that were bothering her. She was never a nag. My mom would tell my dad over and over to do stuff, then he would do it. If she didn't tell him, he didn't think it was important. I clearly adopted some of that style.
I think some of my "passengerism" stems from my abuse as a child. I don't know for sure, as I kept it in for so long. I always remeber being just outside the loop, STS. When I did tell W about CSA, she basically ignored it, and made it clear she didn't want to think about it. I never gave w details. She brought up CSA this weekend when we talked about OM. She again acted like it was nothing, and cited her lack of details, and said things in a hurtful cold way. That was the only time I became emotional during our conversation. I said if she really wanted that picture in her head, I would tell her everything, but she softened and backed down apologetically. After discuusing with IC, I have come to realize that my view of myself as damaged goods was crippling my ability to relate to others on many levels.
So HP, I am not sure if I did or can answer your question. I "think" that if W had been more upfront with her feelings, I would have could have been more bull horny. I think that if I had seen an IC when I was 8, my whole life may have been different. I think that W & I needed MC around year 4 of M, just for the com issues. We could communicate very well in friendly conversation, but when it came down to the key issues, the contested or conflicting ideas of life and how to live it, we couldn't seem to get the words out, and when they came out, one of us felt misunderstood.
