I’m glad to see you back. Ever the optimist, I thought your wife had turned a corner and that you were so busy having crazy monkey sex that you didn’t have time to post....
I’ve been really thinking about this issue lately. I’m not sure if I’m right or if I believe it, but it resonates with me.
Is it possible that DR is mis-titled? I know it would have the marketing success that it does with a title along the lines I propose, but here goes: I think calling it something like “how to get over an idiot spouse” captures the strategy. Michele references this quality of the book sporadically. But I wonder if all the victims on this website miss the theme of the book and just read into it what we want.
I’m going to paraphrase some of the things I’ve been thinking. They aren’t directed at you. They’re actually directed at me.
1) Your wife is a crazy bitch. People who love each other don’t leave their spouses unless their spouse represents a clear and present danger to their safety.
2) Your spouse does not care about your children. It’s been documented that children of divorce generally fare worse than children in intact homes. Your spouse is putting her desire for happiness above your children’s desire for happiness.
3) You have absolutely no responsibility for the impending divorce. It is 100% the fault of your spouse. Divorce is legal status. You may have contributed to the lowering of the quality of your marriage. But you did not seek the legal status. Quality of marriage is a variable. Sometimes it is high, sometimes it is low. Divorce is black and white. It either is or it isn’t. You have demonstrated a willingness to work to raise the quality. Your spouse has elected to pursue a legal remedy, instead.
4) People who love each other don’t want to impose unhappiness on their spouse. If your spouse tells you the only way she can be happy is to leave the marriage, then you, as a loving spouse have an obligation to say “I that is the only way you can be happy, then go.” To say anything else is to demonstrate a lack of compassion for the one you love.
5) You’re probably not much of a catch in your current state. You’re a whiney, insensitive slob. Fix these things. Start taking care or your body. Dress for success. Be a good parent to your children. Learn to talk about amusing and insightful topics. These things are all attractive to women. You will become attractive to women.
6) Don’t concentrate on winning your wife back or saving your marriage. Concentrate on creating a person who is wildly attractive to the opposite sex. Pimp it out.
7) Your spouse is a member of the opposite sex. If you are attractive to the opposite sex, she might be attracted to you. If she is, that is much more convenient and much less costly than a divorce. If not, who wants to be around someone who fits in points one and two?
8) You have the benefit of absolution from point three. Your willingness to give that selfish crazy person a second chance makes you a loyal person. Your children, your family, your friends and the general public value loyalty. You are entitled to be proud of yourself.
I think the way to succeed here is to follow the lead of the WAS. Fall out of love. Think of all the crap that irritates you and makes her unbearable. Focus hard and believe it. One of two things is going to happen. She’s going to leave and you need to realize you aren’t losing that much. Or, she going to stay and you need to realize that just because you achieve the visible goal of staying married doesn’t mean that snow white is moving into your bedroom.
Realize that you have as much choice in this matter as your spouse does. Because you are loyal person, you allow her the second chance. But she is only one among several choices of companions. Figure out who some of those other people are. I’m going to get shot for saying this, but register for match.com. look at some alternatives. They are all available. And looking. Think how much fun it would be to date one of them and not have to deal with all the underlying crap. When you embrace your ability to choose, you empower yourself.
Think about this. Brad Pitt appears to be in the same boat as us right now. No one feels too terribly sorry for him right now. I bet he’s never even heard of DR. Why is this? It’s because he’s wealthy, famous and attractive. He can get almost any girl he wants. Be him. If you are in a place where no one else feels sorry for you, then you’re less likely to attend a pity party in your honor.
Remember the 27 year olds. But don’t get so caught up in it that you forget that loyal people grant forviveness.
