GEL and csw-- I had a long-winded and further pity party post this morning but it got zapped when the server went down. SO, I'll just say thanks again for "propping me up." Weekends are hard for me because they tend to lack structure...which leads to down-time that allows me to wallow in self-pity.
As I mature through and in this process, I am finding that I need to keep myself active in numerous ways to keep from succumbing to "stinkin' thinkin'" as my friend so eloquently puts it. I still find myself living a surreal life at times. For example, on Sunday, I took my kids to the zoo. It was a BEAUTIFUL day and we were having fun. I faked the smiles and laughter...so to everyone else, we were just a happy father, daughter and son. Inside, I was so sad because I was there alone with my kids...no wife in sight. I find that I am insanely jealous of the WHOLE families with a mom, dad and kids. Then, I also look at the stereotypes of people who appear to be "single" with their kids. I'm always looking at those people trying to figure out what their lives must be like. IT SUCKS!!!
I am realizing that our life together started out as a fairy tale. Star-crossed high school sweetharts, blah, blah, blah! We wanted to LIVE the Little Mermaid...and we idolized all things Disney. At some point, you realize that there is no TRUE happily ever after without some work. I just woke-up to that fact about 3 months too late!!
My W is on to other fairy tales while reality comes crashing down on me!! After reading some of your posts csw, I decided to take a look at my W's cell phone history b/c it's been pretty active lately. Low and behold, there were many frequent calls to/from a number of men (I could look up names, info, thanks to Google...and some discreet calls myself). So, now, I know my W has been having at least EA with other men. Several of the calls coincide with times that she was "working late" or even better, when she blew-off our kids' performances.
Well, there it is. Now, she hasn't been completely secretive about seeking male attention. But, she hasn't been completely upfront either. She claims that she has to keep going further and further underground because it hurts ME so badly (that's the same rationale she uses when turning down my offers for ML...it would screw with my brain too much). Her rational is that we're "separated." I mean we did agree to that but I didn't realize that she would act on it so quickly. And, honestly, it's been going on for several months!!!
My inclination is just to get on with the D...and go against every fiber in my body. But, after our talk with the C on Friday and all this information, I can see how far she has already gone down her own path. I am so torn today...again, I want to hate her...but I can't. I want to be free and move on--like she has...but again, my heart and my soul won't let me. I don't really even know her any more...and that is sad because according to our C, we know each other better than ANY couple she has seen. What did we have BEFORE all this?
Okay, venting and whining again...sorry!! Just had to get all that off my chest before it crushes me.
Quote: it's just that for 13 years (actually...only about the last 5) that I wasn't attnentive to her every whim in bed. AND THAT IS WHY SHE WANTS TO LEAVE ME!
I meant to reply to this when you first posted it. I think you have to decide for yourself what the situation really was in your relationship. Did your wife have insatiable sexual whims towards which you were just slightly inattentive or did you sexually reject her on a regular basis, make only half-hearted attempts to rectify the situation, continue to use MB/porn instead of satisfying her needs and perhaps even make some uncalled for remarks in defense of your male ego? You need to answer this question honestly for yourself because otherwise you will never really be able to change if necessary and I, for one, will tend to believe that your wife is making the right decision in moving on if your attitude is really as I quoted above.
Of course, I am currently operating under my own bad attitude so take my take with a grain of salt.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
KEB, Don't give up hope. Don't fake your smiles, make real ones. I KNOW how hard it is at times like these to smile, but "you gotta live in this world" regardless of who is standing next to you. Look at your beautiful children and be thankful for them, that alone should make you smile. I am not so fortunate to have kids, and the loneliness is overwhelming at times. (To bad cats can't talk )
Plan your next actions, and stick to the plan. Put some structure in your weekends if that helps. Read more books on how to like yourself. Read, "Why your life sucks" by Alan Cohen, it will make you laugh while it helps you to see the light. Like I said to W today, it all comes down to the decisions we make.
I'll stick you with a few quick qoutes from my little black book.
"We are here for no purpose unless we invent one, of that, I am sure" --Kurt Vonnegut--
"I'd like it here if I could leave and see it from a long way away" ---REM--- (maybe that one for your W)
"But in the mourning of the night, I fell in love with the light. It is so clear, I realize, that here at last I have my eyes" --Psychic TV--
"The joy that isn't shared, I've heard, dies young" --Anne Sexton--
************ When the Tao is present in the universe, horses haul manure. When the Tao is absent from the universe, War horses are bred outside the city.
There is no greater sin than desire, no greater curse than discontent, no greater misfortune than wanting something for oneself. Therefore, he who knows that enogh is enough, will always have enough.
**
A truly great man is not aware of his goodness, and is therefore good. A foolish man tries to be good, and is therefore not good.
A truly good man does nothing, yet leaves nothing undone. A foolish man is always doing, yet much remains to be done
When a truly kind man does something, he leaves nothing undone. When a just man does something, he leaves a great deal to be done. When a disciplinarian does something, and no one responds, he rolls up his sleeves in an attempt to enforce order.
Therefore, when Tao is lost there is goodness. When goodness is lost, there is kindness. When kindness is lost, there is justice. When justice is lost, there is ritual.
Now ritual is the husk of faith and loyalty, the beginning of confusion. Knowledge of the future is only a flowery trapping of the Tao. It is the beginning of folly.
Therefore, a truly great man dwells on what is real and not what is on the surface, on the fruit and not the flower. Therefore, accept the one and reject the other.
Lau Tsu - Tao Te Ching- *********
I guess all I am trying to say here is YOU need to see through the fog, if you expect to become a beacon.
Quote: I meant to reply to this when you first posted it. I think you have to decide for yourself what the situation really was in your relationship. Did your wife have insatiable sexual whims towards which you were just slightly inattentive or did you sexually reject her on a regular basis, make only half-hearted attempts to rectify the situation, continue to use MB/porn instead of satisfying her needs and perhaps even make some uncalled for remarks in defense of your male ego?
First of all, I take offense to the tone of this quote. You guys have been frank and to the point before but in this case, you are being down-right rude.
Now to answer your question, I think it is somewhere in the middle of the first two options above. She didn't have insatiable appetites but I was also less attentive than I should have been. However, I never--repeat, NEVER--made uncalled for remarks to rectify my male ego. I was loving and attentive in every way I was capable of at the time. Could I have done more? Of course, but it's always easier to look back and see.
So, I can answer honestly for myself that I am on the verge of change and very capable of it. I've faced some hard facts about my life in these last two weeks. I am having to get a grip on all of that along with trying to rectify a failing marriage. It takes it's toll.
I'm sure there was no offense intended in JJ's post. Unfortunately the fact is that sometimes people do make uncalled for comments and do the other things she mentioned. JJ is merely trying to glean information to help you further...she's not saying you did these things.
JJ, if I'm off the mark on this straighten me out k?
Quote: However, I never--repeat, NEVER--made uncalled for remarks to rectify my male ego. I was loving and attentive in every way I was capable of at the time.
I'm sorry if I offended you. I thought you indicated in one of your posts that you had taken some of her comments on the problem over the years as criticism and reacted defensively. I didn't mean to imply that you were rude or cruel to her but I have to imagine that anything you said when you were feeling "defensive" might not have gone over very well with her. Many "excuses" can easily be interpreted as "blame transfer". For instance, if you said "I'm too tired. I've been watching the kids all day.", your wife might have heard this as "It's your fault we're not having sex because you left me alone with the kids all day." etc.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I'm sorry to hear your W has been doing this...but I'm sure I wasn't the only one on this board who was afraid this was the case. BUT, to reiterate what you've heard before...the things you are doing NOW are getting her attention.
Also, having a separation doesn't necessarily mean that you are allowed to see other people either....that's something the two of you either agree/disagree to do. At least that's how I've learned that to be...someone let me know if I have the wrong take on that. It's been my observation though that there are many people who separate to get space in their marriage, but don't date or seek out other people.
KEBall...keep doing what you have been doing. Try your best to maintain that Man-o-Steel image on the weekends too...do what it takes to keep occupied. And as csw pointed out...be thankful for what you do have, your children are a blessing and a gift remember that when you do spend time with them. Try not to get wrapped up in envy of other people (although I know that's difficult).
KEB, I kinda agree with Jenny on this one. I have read things in your posts that have a 'tone' to them that your wife is not entitled to feel the way she feels because a lack of sex is not a reason to leave a marriage. I would strongly encourage you to drop this line of thinking. You don't have to agree with her, you simply have to accept the fact that she feels that way.
The all caps yelling that she's leaving you over sex and the "every whim" has a bad tone to it that leaves me, as an HD wife, feeling like you are discounting her feelings and sorta discounting that it is a legitimate viewpoint. I realize that you are beyond frustrated and dealing with some heavy sh*t in your life so I just left it alone. But, truly, if you are to repair things with your wife you MUST leave this type of thinking behind.
A lack of sex is a legitimate reason to leave a marriage. Even a marriage that is otherwise good. Period, end of story.
I cannot imagine how helpless and angry you must feel but, hey, so far I've been called on the carpet for every less-than-flattering image I paint of the LD world at large, so you should expect the same when you minimize the HD viewpoint.
Especially since you are outnumbered by bossy women.
Hang in there and I'm sorry to hear of the latest developments in your situation. It is not the end of the road--you've just created a fork..with the creation of the new KEB..and now your wife is faced with a decision. Keep on staying strong and confident and attractive and she will naturally make the right choice.
I gotta chime in with Honey and JJ on this one (esp. the part about being outnumbered by bossy women). BTW I detected no offensive tone in JJ's post. I know I'm not on a hair trigger like you are, but your wife is not pulling out of this marriage for any small reason. No one pulls out of a marriage for small reasons. You must simultaneously get down off the high horse and up off the pity pot at the same time-- no mean feat.
Your tone reminds me of my bf, who is STILL pissed off six years after his divorce. He's convinced everything was fine and that he was doing his part when she just upped and broke her marriage vows one day and walked off. He cannot and will not see that it takes two to break up a marriage. He feels so wronged. Bullspit! Heck, I don't like his ex, I think she's a b!tch on wheels, but I've seen him at his worst, and if she put up with that for 25 years, my hat is off to her. Up until recently I thought about leaving him just about every single day.
You certainly don't have to report it here, but sit down with your memory and your conscience and honestly own up to yourself how you let the marriage down. Something happened. Something changed. I don't believe that it was all about sex-- not for one second. Lack of sex isn't about lack of sex-- it's a symptom of something else, the tip of the iceberg. Go back in your memory to when things started to change and examine your own behavior. I'm not saying she's 100% right, but she's not 100% wrong either.
I get the feeling you're leaving out something really important...
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