GEL and csw-- I had a long-winded and further pity party post this morning but it got zapped when the server went down. SO, I'll just say thanks again for "propping me up." Weekends are hard for me because they tend to lack structure...which leads to down-time that allows me to wallow in self-pity.
As I mature through and in this process, I am finding that I need to keep myself active in numerous ways to keep from succumbing to "stinkin' thinkin'" as my friend so eloquently puts it. I still find myself living a surreal life at times. For example, on Sunday, I took my kids to the zoo. It was a BEAUTIFUL day and we were having fun. I faked the smiles and laughter...so to everyone else, we were just a happy father, daughter and son. Inside, I was so sad because I was there alone with my kids...no wife in sight. I find that I am insanely jealous of the WHOLE families with a mom, dad and kids. Then, I also look at the stereotypes of people who appear to be "single" with their kids. I'm always looking at those people trying to figure out what their lives must be like. IT SUCKS!!!
I am realizing that our life together started out as a fairy tale. Star-crossed high school sweetharts, blah, blah, blah! We wanted to LIVE the Little Mermaid...and we idolized all things Disney. At some point, you realize that there is no TRUE happily ever after without some work. I just woke-up to that fact about 3 months too late!!
My W is on to other fairy tales while reality comes crashing down on me!! After reading some of your posts csw, I decided to take a look at my W's cell phone history b/c it's been pretty active lately. Low and behold, there were many frequent calls to/from a number of men (I could look up names, info, thanks to Google...and some discreet calls myself). So, now, I know my W has been having at least EA with other men. Several of the calls coincide with times that she was "working late" or even better, when she blew-off our kids' performances.
Well, there it is. Now, she hasn't been completely secretive about seeking male attention. But, she hasn't been completely upfront either. She claims that she has to keep going further and further underground because it hurts ME so badly (that's the same rationale she uses when turning down my offers for ML...it would screw with my brain too much). Her rational is that we're "separated." I mean we did agree to that but I didn't realize that she would act on it so quickly. And, honestly, it's been going on for several months!!!
My inclination is just to get on with the D...and go against every fiber in my body. But, after our talk with the C on Friday and all this information, I can see how far she has already gone down her own path. I am so torn today...again, I want to hate her...but I can't. I want to be free and move on--like she has...but again, my heart and my soul won't let me. I don't really even know her any more...and that is sad because according to our C, we know each other better than ANY couple she has seen. What did we have BEFORE all this?
Okay, venting and whining again...sorry!! Just had to get all that off my chest before it crushes me.
