Soccermom - I can't believe how similar our situations are! H told me he would consider giving up OW, and eventually he said he would in this "process", but "he didn't think it was fair" that he had to - FAIR!!!! He's known her for one year, me for 25 - and she gets the same length "process" that I do for clearing things up and he wants things to be FAIR for for the two of them!!! I couldn't believe he said that to me - but of course, how many other things couldn't I believe he said to me (some of which, of course, he later said he didn't say).
I messed up last night and pissed him off, but it was almost - I have to be honest - only almost unintentional. We were coming back from a meeting and I needed to run into the market for a minute and he stayed in the car and parked. He didn't see me when I came out and when I opened the door and got in the car it sure seemed to me that he put up his cell phone really fast and he quickly said ("I'm sorry - I didn't see you - I would have driven up there" - by the way, a much more sympathetic and considerate remark than is typical for him. I said "You don't have to get off the phone." Now...I've said that before (like before the Bomb) and meant it and he didn't react in any way to it - just me being considerate and accommodating. But this time, he scowled and said "I was on the phone with so-snd-so (a family friend)!!" and emanated hostility for the rest of the night. Hmmm...wonder wat that reaction was about - maybe that he calls OW every time I'm out of his sight????
Seriously, though, why would that piss him off - shouldn't that show him that I'm through pressuring him about her? Maybe he doesn't think I've seen his cell phone call records and that I don't know he's still talking to her, so in his alien world he's mad that my comment indicated that I didn't believe him when he said he'd break it off with her so I'm evil for not trusting him - this is nuts - I'm starting to think like him.
ANYWAY, Soccermom - I think I'm at the point that I think I skipped before - honestly assessing whether I want this M or not. I skipped that when the Bomb dropped and went straight into strategies. At this point, I need to figure out whether I can live like this - letting him have whatever relationship he wants with OW (I'm sure he'll insist that they be "just friends" while I want to insist that they have no contact whatsoever and that I'm present when he tells her, etc.; and that he won't "unsecure" all the extra security around his computer (doesn't he see that it's HIS FAULT that I snoop!!! If there wans't anything to find...) and that he won't go to MC because there's no one who can tell him anything he doesn't know already while I want to go because I don't want the same M we had before, either, and I WANT to work on not only us but ME, too - I need to figure out just how much of me I'm willing to sacrifice in order to have M with him. We don't have any kids - were never able to - which in so many ways makes things so much simpler and in so many ways makes things so much more complicated...
I'm no help, Soccermom, but do know I'm praying for you and that I appreciate the comfort you've given me by sharing your anguish - why does it help to know that others are going through the same thing? Is that mean? I just know it's helped so much being on this board and hearing from people who have lived through this when I didn't think I would - that there was no way a person could keep existing through this kind of pain - but apparently people do, and so many insist you come out better at the other end. I don't believe them on that yet, but they did tell the truth when they said I wouldn't die from the pain, so I'm keeping my mind open...
