It's like I'm just fooling myself... He has no idea what he does to me by saying he still 'wants' to talk to her. What am I? An idiot? ... That just pisses me off... How can he feel like this is ok? ...How stupid does that make me? ...How can he in good conscious do that to me after 18 years of M and 2 kids? How does this all make sense to him in HIS head? I just don't see how it can...
Soccermom, all these thoughts that are making you ill, all these thoughts will not get you anywhere, as you may be realizing. These types of thoughts will only serve up feelings of angst and anger and resentment for you, but will not serve you in any attempt to change the situation.
It is not easy to change the situation. It requires dedication. It requires loads of time. It requires you to eat your righteous indignation and eat your needs. And even then, there isn't a guarantee. But what IS guaranteed is that if you continue the way you're going, you will lose.
I told him tonight that if he can't give her up completely, he needs to leave. Not an ultimatum, but he needs to see from my side.
Sounds pretty much like an ultimatum to me. But in any case, he is NOT going to look at things from your point of view. That approach is fruitless. What is required, as unfair as it may be, is for you to take his viewpoint on things. This is not about you at all, this whole matter is all about him.
I'm feeling closer and closer to calling the OW and telling her to back the hell off.
That will make you feel better, for about ten seconds. But it will not accomplish what you want it to accomplish. Most probably you'll get an earful, and you won't be happier because of it, but you will be more miserable than you're feeling now. And you will only have served to firm their resolve. You will have demonstrated that you are indeed the spouse from hell that the OW has been made to believe you are. Upset her, and your H will be upset with you.
I'm exhausted and I just want this to all go away.
I know. It's not a bad dream we can wake up from, sadly. But you're exhausted because you've been giving yourself anguish and misery and it takes an emotional toll. You need to have a plan. A plan accomplishes many things in your favor to help you. Having a plan stops the feelings of being overwhelmed. having a plan stops you from acting on your FEELINGS, which is what you have been doing, and acting on feelings will have you toss and turn, go back and forth, up and down, like so much debris in an ocean storm. It's exhausting.
The plan, of course, is to get a life, become detached, be positive, build PMA... you think it's nonsense, but this is the plan others embarked on, and many have salvaged their relationships. It may take months, it may take some years. But you can decide when to stop.
Every relationship that's ever been reconciled had a partner at one time just like yours.
Being patient feels so wrong. I feel like he either wants to put 100% into us or not.
Do you see that this is all about your feelings? You feel this, you feel that... that is why becoming detached helps you stop feelings that will upset you. read the posts! People who get a life, become detached, and so forth, experience a calmer, more peaceful mind. What they then feel is no longer the degree of anxiety and angst they once felt, but begin to feel that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and that they will be fine with or without their spouse. This is foremost about saving you and climbing out of this mess. When you can start to do that, that's when you can begin to work on attracting your mate back.
