I made the decision to get through March - trying one month at a time - he hasn't moved out, says he's ending it with OW through a "process" - asking me to do things with him more than ever, still separated in same house, no MC, no R talks, I'm trying 180's - but I can't stop checking his cell phone!!! My MiL told me I need to stop doing that after I told her on Saturday how hurt I was that he called OW after we spent the day together - he called her the first chance when I went to the restroom at the restaurant on the way home and then 2 hours later as soon as we got home and I took the dog out - she (MiL) said if you're going to commit to working on this for another month then you need to stop doing that to yourself. I didn't look for a couple of days, then went out of town for several, came back today and just looked - and of course, there are calls back and forth between them all day long every day. For a little while a few weeks ago there weren't any calls and I got stupidly encouraged - then the next time I looked was this Saturday when it seemed like he was focused on me and of course I got crushed again.
How do I stop myself from doing this to myself???? If I'm DBing and not allowed to talk about R or OW at all - and he will NOT bring anything up - how do I DO this? I can be going for a while, almost stable on my feet, and then get CRUSHED again, and I KNOW the chances are that I will be - how can I stop this behaviour?
Someone else I'm sure will have a better answer then me but here's my take on it. I know almost exactly how you feel, been there not to long ago. You need to focus on yourself and get yourself to the point where you know that you will be fine no matter what happens with you and your husband. If you can truly feel this you'll be fine.
I still struggle a little sometimes with the snooping but I just have to remind myself that the only thing that this will accomplish is hurting me. Therefore there's no point. I'm at the point right now where I can honestly say I know I'll be ok with whatever happens to our M. This has dramatically improved my PMA which can do nothing but good things even if it's just for me.
I have to say my sitch sounds a lot like yours. I'm so torn by acting in a way that will want my H to stay, and not asking for info about talk with the OW. He's said 3 times now he won't talk to her anymore and has failed 3 times. I'm fairly certain it's an EA, nothing more. We are going to counseling together and alone and I felt like it was a step in the right direction. I want so much to see the "baby steps" yet know in the back of my mind, he's going to call her and I'll look like the fool again. I guess I'm still waiting for the speech from H saying he's so sorry about the pain he's caused. Not gotten anything like that. If I don't initiate talks about R, NO ONE will! So if I back off and don't bring it up, is he just viewing this as a "have your cake and eat it too" situation? I just don't know what it will take for me to get the negatives out of my head. Thanks for listening to my rant.
Bustingonline, snooping is a terrible way to live. Only you can prevent yourself from hurting yourself. Listen to Smith07.
So if I back off and don't bring it up, is he just viewing this as a "have your cake and eat it too" situation? I just don't know what it will take for me to get the negatives out of my head.
Soccermom, if you 1. back off R talk and 2. GAL and 3. detach and 4. practice a loving indifference, treating H like a good friend rather than as H, he most likely will not view this as license to cakewalk. He may cakewalk, but your new behaviors could certainly cause him to wonder what's happening with you and to reflect more on you. Keeping pressure on him keeps his mind focused on not wanting to be in the relationship. Take that pressure away and his mind is freed to reflect on other things, like you.
Well, H just gave me some very hurtful info. He says he's not ready to give up the OW. (Talking to her) There is got to be something that he's waiting for to happen in order for him to make this descision! He says yes, it's been comfortable around here, no underlying tension. How can I go on thinking that we're on the right track when he even tells me to my face that he's not ready to stop talking to her. I told him obviously he's not giving our M 100% then. He keeps saying he understands how this is so confusing for me. Well then, STOP doing this to me! Did I want to know that he's not ready to give up the OW yet? NO. Do I want to be left in the dark THINKING he's not talking to her and that he wants to work on our M? It's like I'm just fooling myself. If he honestly isn't ready to give up talking to her, then I can't continue to work on this marriage. I don't care what those books say....I can't do this alone. He has no idea what he does to me by saying he still 'wants' to talk to her. What am I? An idiot? I can't take much more.
This whole process takes time and patience, lots of patience. It took time for your M to get to this point and will take time to work it out and heal.
Doing things that will hurt you (like snooping) make it hard to keep DBing successfully. I know, I went down that road. It will affect you and that will affect how you react and treat H. Those actions will push him away. If you look at the bill, see what you don't want to see, you will have a reaction and it will hurt your efforts. When the urge to look comes, do something else (leave if you have to). Focus on you and GAL and have no expectations.
For me, I finally accepted that I can't control my H. He will stop talking to ow when he chooses. I have no control over that. I only have control over me and my kids. I have put most of my energy and time into me and the kids. I want to be someone that he is attracted to again. I want him to want to commit to our M. If that is what I want I can have no expectations and have to DB. Time and patience will tell if it works or not.
One more thing...after he knocks me down with the info I just wrote about, he comes over to hug me. What the F? That just pisses me off. I even asked him if he doesn't see that that is conflicting info. Keep talking to the OW, yet hug and kiss me. Whatever. How can he feel like this is ok? The counselor didn't make him very happy yesterday. Would love to know what he told him. We have an appt together on Wednesday. Seems like that's years away. He went to bed just now because I think he's just tired of talking about this crap. Well, newsflash! I am too. I'd rather not and just live in my lala world believing that "he'll come around" eventually. In the mean time if he doesn't, leaves me wasting valuable time in my life and the life our kids. How in the world can I continue to say it's ok for him to talk to OW yet stay in our house? I told him tonight that if he can't give her up completely, he needs to leave. Not an ultimatum, but he needs to see from my side. What started all this was the fact that his phone rang in the car tonight and he looked at the number and didn't answer it. So is that supposed to make me feel better? She's probably just returning his call from earlier. I'm feeling closer and closer to calling the OW and telling her to back the hell off. It's like he's 'pretending' when he's here by hugging and kissing me when he leaves or whatever. He says it's not that's it's hard to do, it seems to be coming naturally. So the hell is the problem then? He still is 'waiting' to see if his feelings for me return. That's what he says anyway. I think he's just waiting to see if the OW is going to leave her H or not. I told him I need to know what need she is fullfilling that I'm not. It's not sexual. Guarantee it. It has always been an EA. Does he expect to wake up one day and say, gee, my W sure is being nice, maybe she'll be like this always now. Think I'll stop calling OW. NO! There is something that's waiting for to happen and I need to know what it is. I told him I need to know what he needs from me that he's not getting. He says he doesn't know. I said there needs to be some reason you're calling her. It's to fulfill some need he's not getting here. I'm exhausted and I just want this to all go away.
Being patient feels so wrong. I feel like he either wants to put 100% into us or not. It's one or the other. How much more patient can I be? I feel like I want him out now if he is still wanting to talk to her. Go live with her....oh yeah, she lives with her H. Guess you can't go there. I'm tired of crying, worrying, being sad, then being happy, then getting kicked in the teeth again like I did tonight by him telling me he isn't willing to give her up. How stupid does that make me? Oh sure, take your time....I'll be here being sweet and loving you while you decide. Then when he decides he's just "not feeling it" with me, he's out of here. How can he in good conscious do that to me after 18 years of M and 2 kids? How does this all make sense to him in HIS head? I just don't see how it can. I've rambled WAY too long. My tears are stinging my eyes. Thanks for listening. Again.
I have been where you are, alot of us have. You have to decide what you want. No one here can do that for you. My H has told me the same thing that yours has. He can't end the A.
I have choosen to give this time for me and my children. I have taken a long look at my M and myself and the mistakes I have made. I have changed quite a bit. I am not the same person I was in Nov. when H dropped the bomb. Most people on this board are not. We have grown and changed.
Unfortunately your H is not in position to think reasonably or rationally. I read on someone's thread once about how an alien has come in and taken over their H's body, becuase the person they were seeing was not their H. We all have seen and felt that. That is why we are fighting this battle alone. We have chosen to work on our M and try to turn things around. I am not saying what our Hs did is right or justified. It is not. But I have forgiven my H and am moving on with or without him. I have seen baby steps from my H. I have detached and GAL and backed way off. I don't bring up ow or R. I don't question him. I have also seen some small baby steps and some positives.
If you do those things, you will feel better abut you and that is what is important. If your H chooses to leave, you will be okay because you have been focusing on you and not H. That is where I am at right now. I want my M to work but if H leaves tomorrow I will be okay. I wasn't that way a month ago. A month ago I would have been a basket case if H left, but my focus was on him, not me. That has changed. I have joined a gym, do things for me and the kids. My H has noticed. Read other threads, see what others are doing, how they are handling things. I have gotten lots of ideas from people here. I would be crazy without this board and support.
It's like I'm just fooling myself... He has no idea what he does to me by saying he still 'wants' to talk to her. What am I? An idiot? ... That just pisses me off... How can he feel like this is ok? ...How stupid does that make me? ...How can he in good conscious do that to me after 18 years of M and 2 kids? How does this all make sense to him in HIS head? I just don't see how it can...
Soccermom, all these thoughts that are making you ill, all these thoughts will not get you anywhere, as you may be realizing. These types of thoughts will only serve up feelings of angst and anger and resentment for you, but will not serve you in any attempt to change the situation.
It is not easy to change the situation. It requires dedication. It requires loads of time. It requires you to eat your righteous indignation and eat your needs. And even then, there isn't a guarantee. But what IS guaranteed is that if you continue the way you're going, you will lose.
I told him tonight that if he can't give her up completely, he needs to leave. Not an ultimatum, but he needs to see from my side.
Sounds pretty much like an ultimatum to me. But in any case, he is NOT going to look at things from your point of view. That approach is fruitless. What is required, as unfair as it may be, is for you to take his viewpoint on things. This is not about you at all, this whole matter is all about him.
I'm feeling closer and closer to calling the OW and telling her to back the hell off.
That will make you feel better, for about ten seconds. But it will not accomplish what you want it to accomplish. Most probably you'll get an earful, and you won't be happier because of it, but you will be more miserable than you're feeling now. And you will only have served to firm their resolve. You will have demonstrated that you are indeed the spouse from hell that the OW has been made to believe you are. Upset her, and your H will be upset with you.
I'm exhausted and I just want this to all go away.
I know. It's not a bad dream we can wake up from, sadly. But you're exhausted because you've been giving yourself anguish and misery and it takes an emotional toll. You need to have a plan. A plan accomplishes many things in your favor to help you. Having a plan stops the feelings of being overwhelmed. having a plan stops you from acting on your FEELINGS, which is what you have been doing, and acting on feelings will have you toss and turn, go back and forth, up and down, like so much debris in an ocean storm. It's exhausting.
The plan, of course, is to get a life, become detached, be positive, build PMA... you think it's nonsense, but this is the plan others embarked on, and many have salvaged their relationships. It may take months, it may take some years. But you can decide when to stop.
Every relationship that's ever been reconciled had a partner at one time just like yours.
Being patient feels so wrong. I feel like he either wants to put 100% into us or not.
Do you see that this is all about your feelings? You feel this, you feel that... that is why becoming detached helps you stop feelings that will upset you. read the posts! People who get a life, become detached, and so forth, experience a calmer, more peaceful mind. What they then feel is no longer the degree of anxiety and angst they once felt, but begin to feel that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and that they will be fine with or without their spouse. This is foremost about saving you and climbing out of this mess. When you can start to do that, that's when you can begin to work on attracting your mate back.
