Thanks, Phoenix. I've been thinking all day and I think I might be getting clingy again. I've got to back off and get back to GAL. His best friend who is contracting in Iraq is home for his daughter's graduation and will be here for a couple of weeks. I know H will be spending every moment he can with him and he should. I've just got to not take it personal and get busy doing something else.
It is amazing what can pi$$ them off. You mean one thing and they take it another way. But I guess I do that too.
I find clingy is a tough habit to break. Some times it's a combo of wanting to build a relationship, but not using the right love language. Yes the fun continues.
I'm just feeling sad and confused this morning. I've been thinking about this for a couple of days. I've been trying to figure out what I can do to feel better but it's hard. A couple of things I've noticed since H came back are really bothering me right now. I'm afraid to talk about it cuz I know he is going to be frustrated.
For the 10 years we were together prior to S we always kissed each other good bye in the morning. He usually initiated it. Also during that time he sometimes came over to me in bed and snuggled up for a few minutes. He never does this anymore, except once when I asked. I am really confused by this and feeling rejected. I really want to ask about it, but I don't know how.
Now the kiss thing--he is not a morning person, is usually grouchy and just focused on getting ready for work so I can kinda see this one. But, he did it before at his own initiation. So it's a little confusing too. I want to ask him about both of these things. I want to do it in a way that doesn't put him on the defensive. My goal is to understand why he doesn't want to do this anymore--if I am somehow putting up some kind of barrier, or if there is something he is struggling with. I don't want to just ignore this, it is too important to me. He isn't a touchy, feely guy so it means alot to get it when I do. What should I do?
My H's mother recently divorced. She had been S for a few years. She is 56. Lately she has been very lonely and depressed and really wants to have someone to share her life with. She gets out and has lots of friends and lots of things to do but she doesn't have a special someone. She gets really sad sometimes. She and my H are quite alike and are usually pretty close. During the time we were S he wouldn't talk to her and she didn't understand why. I kept assuring her that he would come around eventually. And he did after a few months.
My H is not a guy that talks about his feelings or anyone elses. This Friday night we were all at a birthday party and having a good time with friends but I noticed she just wasn't as into it as she usually is. She ended up leaving early. She told me the next day that on her way out she ran into my H in the hall and he asked her where she was going. She told him she was sad and just wasn't really in the mood to party tonight. He told her he knew exactly how she felt and knew it was hard. He told her when he left me he was completely lost, just kinda floating around. He knew that even though she can light up a room when she comes in and make a party wherever she goes, sometimes she just doesn't feel like it and he understood that cuz that's how he is too. And they both realized they got frustrated and angry when they didn't feel like being the party but everyone expected it of them when they walked in. I knew this about her cuz she has told me, but I didn't really realize it with him. They talked about how some people didn't understand what they were going through and how they just wanted someone to be on their side. H told her he had a hard time finding someone to be on his side except me. He told her that's why he came back because I was on his side--I was his anchor. He was lost and he realized he needed me to be his "base". No one else was doing that for him. Believe me, DB is what helped me be on his side! When I wanted to tell him what a sh!t he was, I DB'd instead--smile and validate.
He ended the convo with his mom by walking her out to her car, hugging her and telling her he loved her! She could not believe he was doing this. He told her he cared and to let him know if she needed anything.
She and I were both a little shocked at this. I knew he had feelings but he never shares them like that. He made her feel so much better. And she told him that the next day. I am so proud of him for doing that. The only one weird thing about it is he didn't want her to tell me about what he did. I don't really understand that and I can't ask cuz I'm not supposed to know. I'm curious but it isn't about me so I've got to let it go.
Even though we have been back together since June, life is not a bowl of cherries all the time. I am very tempted to fall back into the old patterns and have to work hard to keep moving forward and not back. Sometimes I think I'm doing all the work and he's doing nothing. But what he did for his mother makes me realize he is trying too--and I keep having hope.
Hi Molliew, I am glad I found your post. My H and I have been sepertated almost 5 months. The first like 3 I was chasing him like crazy. I made things much much worse then they were. At the begining he told me he wanted to leave and see if he missed me and wanted to come back, then I went into freak out mode and he wanted a D. I felt like I was seriously going crazy and my family didn't help me think otherwise. I bought DB and DR, and a couple other books. I seem to struggle with putting them into effect. I found out a couple weeks ago (through pics on my digital camera H had that i took back) that he is having an A. The inital shock to that wasnt as bad as I thought, and I decided that very day I found out that I was going to let him do his thing, I was going to let him go, but I was not going to move on. I was going to keep "fighting" for my marriage and family. I was going to love him unconditionally, and forgive him. I was going to be his friend and become as attractive (all around not just physically, everyone says they love me because of my heart, so i guess that is my secret weapon here) as I could be so that I may become desirable to him again. It has been a long road, and my stomach isnt like the roller coaster ride at all. But I have finally put the trust I needed to put in God in Him. And since I have done this most all of my hear has gone away. I love reading posts where people's S's come back. I can't wait until mine happens. I wont really let myself believe it wont happen, espically since I feel soo strongly in my heart that it will. Is this a good thing or a bad thing that I wont think otherwise? One thing I was thinking when I was reading your previous post was that maybe you could suprise him and go snuggle him, or give him a kiss on the cheek or something. Just see what he does. But I am not sure asking him about it would be a good thing. I would be afraid to have things go back to not good, when things were starting to get better. I saw you said you were seperated for 11months, so I am only at almost 5. Sigh. Hopefully I can do this! I have NO clue how to compete w/ OW espically since he spends all time w/ her and no time w/ me. Any suggestions???
Emmely--I have a hard time with making suggestions when it comes to OWs. Mine had one for a few months and I was devastated by that. He told me many times that he didn't love her but he kept seeing her. In fact, he thought she was really bad for him but he couldn't seem to get away. But it was hurtful to think of them together and I had a hard time getting past that. He told me more than once he was looking for "comfort" with her. He didn't like being alone, but he didn't want to be with me right then either. He never said he wanted a D--he would say he was in no hurry to do anything. I had to work really hard to put my mind on other things to keep from thinking about him and OW. It was really hard. I spent lots of time with friends, starting volunteering at the animal shelter, just doing anything I could think of to keep busy. I couldn't just sit around home cuz the anxiety would be worse there. So I guess that would be my suggestion--keep as busy as you can.
I didn't find DB until several months into the S. I had already had a few dates with an old friend (which was just a distraction) and when H found out he was really broken hearted--and that's when he finally gave up OW for good. We still stayed S though. I did all the wrong things too. It took several months to get somewhat comfortable with DB. Even though it made sense it was so hard to do the opposite of what I was doing. We started spending more time together. I think he was really wanting to know for sure that my changes were for real.
He also said he wanted me to leave him alone for awhile and stop pestering him. He said he wanted to miss me. And when we were together he didn't want to make a big deal out of it, he just wanted me "to be there".
I think you are doing the right things and you have the right attitude. Forgiveness and unconditional love are so important--that and patience. There are probably those that think you should kick him to the curb now because he is with someone else, but usually they haven't experienced it and they really don't understand. And keep working on being attractive inside and out--not just for him but for you too. For all the relationships you have in your life. And trusting in God and giving it all to him is so helpful too. Keep that attitude that he is going to come back. Confidence and positive mental attitude (PMA) are attractive too.
Have a life of your own too. Let him see that you can be ok without him. My H was frustrated that I looked to him for entertainment, comfort, everything! He felt really pressured.
Try not to worry about competing with OW. You just be yourself--happy, kind and enjoying life. Chances are that isn't going to be her, because she is going to begin to feel she is competing and she may just drive him away with her pressure.
Please check in--I really want to know how you are doing and if I can offer support anytime, I'm glad to. Seems you are doing pretty well so far. Remember, patience.
I felt I better jump in here and say something. I too have been trying to figure out how to get myself more independant/GLA. When W would encourage me to do so in times past, I kind of knew she was trying to get more time with other people, sometimes OM. So needless to say, I was hesitant and tried to stay unpredictable. Although OM seems to be long out of picture, I don't want to go too far off the deep end either, I do have other responsibilities.
Thinking back I do remember in the older college days where W would come to my apartment, hang out at my place, and I did not focus too much on making things revolve around just her. I was busy with my friends and activities. Those were good times, but I don't want to make my R second priority. Where do you find the balance?
Well, in my sitch my H is very social and likes to be out visiting friends a lot. I have learned to over the years to accept the fact that he probably won't be home right after work cuz he's got to be off talking about something to someone. I like to socialize but not nearly as much. I like to hang around the house and enjoy peace and quiet after work.
I was doing really good at GAL while he was gone because I needed the distraction. When he came home, I noticed I was starting to feel comfortable just hanging out at home again. I was isolating so I could make sure I was available for him. I realized this was happening and hadn't seen some of my friends for awhile and wasn't really doing anything fun for me because he might need me--before we S that would be a trigger for me to start resenting him and thinking he didn't want to be with me cuz he's out doing stuff without me and then go into the cycle of this and telling him that he wasn't spending time with me, he must not want me, why is he here if he isn't going to spend time with me, blah, blah, blah! So this time I feel that coming on and that is my cue to get out and do something myself. We do spend time together, but he is seriously a social "butterfly" and likes his time and freedom to "fly" around to all his hangouts and friends when he wants to.
So, I'm not sure where the balance is but I do know myself better now and I know when I need to get out and GAL without him. He really wants me to do that. I don't "need" him to be my entertainment--I can do things for myself. I am confident enough to be away from him.
I guess how GAL fits into our lives is individual for each of our personalities and situations. It does take confidence, trust and sometimes a little courage.
That's kind of a rambling post so I hope you can find something helpful in it
I just noticed that I've been on this board almost one year. My H and I mutually agreed to separate in April of 2004. Then I found out about OW and the rollercoaster ride began--man, I hate those things! He moved back in with me in June of this year. I've noticed from some threads that this is a pretty short time. Some stay separated for years.
So we have been back together for almost 4 months. At first it was uncomfortable cuz I didn't want to do anything to upset him (walking on eggshells). But I kept DBing and GAL and got more comfortable.
Today I would say things are different than they were the first 10 years we were together. But some things are the same too. The biggest difference I see is in myself. I am not so insecure anymore. I am not afraid to do things by myself and initiate activities for myself. I was out of town for work this week alone. I tried to decide what to do for breakfast--have it brought to my room or go drive thru somewhere. I didn't want to do either, but I also never went into restaurants alone to eat--too uncomfortable. Well I almost got into my car to go to a fast food spot and then thought, I really want to go up to the restaurant in the hotel and sit down and eat breakfast--so that's what I did--very proud of myself!
I have made new friends and gotten involved in more activities and volunteering. Sometimes H is involved, sometimes not. And it's ok this time.
He has made new friends and taken up golf. He plays a couple times a week--I never thought I'd see that.
So we are together but we can be apart and be comfortable with it.
I sometimes like to read my horoscope and I recently looked up the compatibility of our two signs. Well, most of what I read said it was very unlikely that our two signs would have a chance together. While I don't base my life on astrology I did find some interesting things that seemed to make sense. I am a stable, grounded and steady (stubborn?) Taurus. Don't like change much. He is a Gemini (oh, great, the twins!) who needs lots of mental stimulation and enjoys change and movement; i.e., I want to sit in peace and quiet; he wants to be out running around "doing" constantly. I appreciate loyalty, constancy and commitment and he is emotionally aloof and can't commit or follow through on intentions very well. He flies by the seat of his pants and I like to have a plan.
I think these differences drew us together. I love his sense of humor and the way he is always up to something. He loves that I am his home base when he is done for the day. But these differences in each other can also make us impatient and annoyed with each other.
Understanding these differences between us has really helped me accept who he is and who I am.
We will have our 10th anniversay next month and will be going to the beach for a few days. While I would love for it to be just the two of us having a romantic weekend together, I know that isn't realistic with him. He wants our friends to come along so he can play golf. And us wives can hang together and have a good time doing what we like. I would have been really hurt by that a year ago, but I understand now. We are different and compromise is important. Although I do most of the compromising, but that's how it's going to be in this R.
If my first H and I were still together, we'd be married 26 years. I'm sorry I didn't know then what I know now--but I guess it is all a learning experience.
He moved back in with me in June of this year. I've noticed from some threads that this is a pretty short time. Some stay separated for years.