I posted this to someone today and I decided I wanted to keep it where I could find it. More reminding:
This is the bottom line for me:
Yes, my H did commit the ultimate sin and I was devastated by it. My first H did it too and left and married her. However, human beings make mistakes and they often feel guilt and shame over them. I wanted my H to hurt just as bad as I did. After all I took very good care of him and continually told him when he wasn't meeting my needs and what I wanted from him. And, just as Michelle says, my continuing to let him know how he was failing me pushed him away to the point that I figured he just didn't care about me anymore. Then he felt I didn't care anymore and was hurt by that. Neither of us talked about this part. We both just assumed neither of us loved the other anymore and decided to D.
H went looking for the comfort of someone else. He told me this over and over. He did not love OW, he was looking for comfort. He didn't want to sleep alone and he didn't want to be alone. And at first, I was angry he was looking for comfort when I had none. I was angry at how he was trying to find someone to make him feel better and I had nothing! How could he be so uncarrying and unfeeling after all I had done for him. And why is this happening to ME AGAIN! What a victim I was. I was an emotional wreck, lost weight, became very depressed, could barely function. Crying all the time! Damn him for doing this to me!
He never moved in with OW but did get his own place. He started staying out and drinking alot. I moved into a new place, and forced myself to start a new life. It was hard and until I found DB I didn't know how I was going to get through. But when I did read DR I saw myself in there. I began to examine my contributions to the failing of my M and decided with or without him, I didn't want to be that person anymore. I stopped obsessing over him and what was wrong with him--doesn't matter, I can't change it but I can take it or leave it--my choice. Family and friends told me I was better off without him, why would I want someone who treated me that way. Hey, that's just one side of the story--they haven't heard his side.
We were S for a year. We decided to start over, leave the past in the past, begin spending time together and see what happened. The things my H told me that always stuck in my mind: Relax; let it happen naturally, let me be comfortable and stop "being a freak". Being a freak was when I would call him crying and anxious looking for reassurance. He really wanted me to be more secure and confident and stop looking to him for reassurance and entertainment. Wanted me to take care of some of my own needs.
And I really wanted this too. It is much more peaceful for me if I'm only worrying about me. I really want to be a kinder, gentler person--more positive and happy--not so judgemental.
He moved back in with me once he was sure I could handle having him around and not clinging to him and watching his every move. He is a very social person and cannot come home from work and sit around. He has to be doing something and being with people. He rarely comes right home after work. Sometimes I just leave him a plate of dinner for when he gets home. I know this is how he is and I know he loves to have me there when he gets home to share his day with. I accept that--not everyone would, but that is my choice.
I no longer initiate the R talks where I tell him what he isn't doing. I let him know I appreciate him and he's my favorite person. Not with words but with actions. I write notes on the napkin of his breakfast sandwich and sometimes leave notes on the bathroom mirror. He doesn't say anything but I know he likes it, cuz I know him. Through this process I've come to know him better than I have in the 11 years I've been with him. And I know me better too.
Ok, this is getting too long now--but I won't be the victim anymore and I will take responsibility for my contributions to our M. I will forgive him and myself and move on. I can't go back and change anything and neither can he. I know he regrets some of what he has done and is happy we are back together. Me too, and that's good enough for me right now.
