I'm feeling low on self confidence today. I'm getting that clingy, anxious feeling and I know I've got to deal with it myself. I'm analyzing everything I said to H between yesterday and today and worrying that I didn't validate enough or listen enough. I'm worrying that even though I'm not saying things, I might be acting a little too motherly!
It is hard when they are with you because you get comfortable and you can start just reverting to your old self--I don't want to do that. Not just for my M but for me. I was becoming the kind of person I want to be and today it feels like I'm slipping. Going back into that protect myself mode--put up the walls.
I want H to reassure me that I'm doing ok, that he is happy being back and comfortable with me. But I know I cannot ask for that reassurance. Being needy is going to push him away.
I'm obsessing about the things I should do for him because I'm afraid I am not doing enough. I'm afraid I'm slipping and starting to take him for granted already.
I want to keep the new me everyday. I want to show him I am paying attention this time. I want to show him I am listening and understanding and watching. I want to show him I respect his space, his opinions, his ideas.
I want to do this for anyone. I noticed this morning it is sometimes easier to do this with someone I don't know very well than with those who are close to me. Why is that? I've heard it said that we feel comfortable letting ourselves go and venting on our loved ones more than anyone else. Probably because we do take them for granted--heck, they will always be there no matter what we do, right? Well, I've proved that wrong!
I need a distraction tonight I think. I'll have to find something to do to get away from the house and GAL for the evening.
I think this is harder than when he wasn't home and I was working and waiting for him to get through his stuff and come back.
Any advice and encouraging words will be much appreciated!
